One thing that helped me, in that situation (a marriage ending actually) was to take a look at my feelings. Lots of stuff was going on in my head going around and around. A big part of it was wanting something that I couldn't have. Another large part was fear of being alone. Pretty soon I realized that my feelings didn't have a whole lot to do with that other person. It could have been someone else and I'd have felt the same, that fact was, that I had felt that way several times before when other relationships ended. Once I took that other person out of the equation it was just My Stuff. It was a lot easier to deal with, because it didn't involve having to get the other person back or talk to them to achieve closure. I also look at relationships in a different way now. There is no "Forever", all relationships will end sooner or later when someone dies. So I take them one day at a time. Any day that other person can wake up and tell me "It been real nice but I want to be some where else now". And I want to be ready willing and able to wish them well and send them on their way. It involves some boundaries. !. I'm not going to love or want someone that doesn't want or love me. As soon as their actions or words spell that out, it's over and there's not negotiating. Time to move on.

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 27th of February 2012 06:06:17 PM

I've been in and out of love some many times that I've stopped counting. And yes, some of those breakups were due to my drinking, but was then and this is now. What I can do today is try to become a better lover, friend and companion than ever before, and it all starts with sobriety.

My first wife moved on, and that's okay. And so did the next, but I'd never stop believing in love. My relationships today are based on mutual respect not self serving interests. Like Dean said, it's about emotional serenity today, not lost feelings. Basically, I'm not responsible for other people's feelings and their not responsible for mine. It's that simple. I 'm responsible for "my stuff" today not anyone else's. It's what we bring to the table collectively that makes it work, and not so much individually. And that's been my formula for success ever since. 

~God Bless~

-- Edited by Mr_David on Tuesday 28th of February 2012 03:18:32 AM

Oh and Jezebel28 - I've been there - my marriage is over but my ex wife and I lied to ourselves and each other that we could save it. We couldn't and lied away in fantasy land for 5 years. And it hurt when we finally agreed to divorce. To top it all I threw myslef into a really ill advised, lust masquerading as love based relationship, which put me in a position to be hurt and hurt others.

The divorce got messy, got nasty, got spiteful, got expensive. ti's not resolved yet. I have avoided relationships for 10 months now. I'm learning tolive with myself - I didn't like it at first, but someone on here pointed out that I like things I'm good at so I better get good at living alone - that hurt, but it worked.

I had the double whammy of ending a marriage that was active for 27 years and lasted another 5 - if the marriage was a horse, it woulda been put to sleep.The pain of having another relationship taken away from me and then seeing that other person go and use a previous partner for her own ends (yep, I got suckered there.)

So Jez, suck it up, all things good and bad come to an end, it ain't worth drinking on.

I accept it because it saved my life. It hurts like hell but it was the kick in the teeth that I needed.

I'd rather be a live ex than a dead husband.

Thank you for your share Heather.  Around a year sober my wife had an affair with a family friend.  At the time I didn't have enough self love or boundaries in place to walk away.  I also feared being alone and feared the unknown.  Fear of the unknown is a biggie for me.  I tried to make it work.  It was painful, awefully painful.  Trying to make something work that just isn't there, was painful. 

My Sponsor informed me during this time that if I stayed sober and worked The Program that I couldn't screw this up.  God had it covered.  He also told me I needed to get to a point where I could live with or without her.  Then it was just a decision. 

Through suggestions from others, the AA program, the Fellowship, Steps and a Higher Power I worked on me and my relationship with a Higher Power.  The Promises continued to materialize and I started to like/love who I was becoming. 

I'm no longer with my wife.  In fact, I have no interest in being with her.  She now wants me back.  Looking back, it was a very unhealthy relationship.  It came to a point where I changed and she didn't like who I became and I didn't like who she was.  I set-up boundaries for me and she continued on ignoring them.  I had enough self love and faith that it was time to end the relationship. 

The point being I didn't know what was best for me at 1 year.  God had it covered.    God did for me what I couldn't do for myself.