Hi Carole and welcome to MIP. If it were me and my child, I'd give him/her 90 days to find a job and a place to live, and firmly throw them out. An alcoholic can never "hit bottom" and recover if someone keeps placing pillows under their @$$. The "enabler" is in essence "killing" the alcoholic by helping to maintain their drinking and avoid consequences. Her attitude will change dramatically when she is homeless and has to depend on the kindness of strangers for a meal. The good thing is that most people who recovery from this disease seem to do so right around 30 years old. Seems if they miss that window it's another 10 years. These are my observations based on casual (and unscientific) fact collection lol. We also have a Al-Anon message board for family members of the alcoholic. You can probably get better answers to your questions over there. My answer is always the same. Distance yourself from the still drinking alcoholic because the chances are they are going to continue drinking for awhile. Life is short, take care of yourself.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 30th of January 2012 03:37:23 PM
I am the 61 year old mother of a 31 year old alcoholic child. She's been drinking 2-3 forty o's per day for several years now. It has wrecked both of our lives. Everything is my fault including her drinking according to her. She seems unable to focus on her own problems. I have health problems and she goats me into arguements where I have to defend myself from her lies about me. She refuses to get a ged or get into a training program or a rehab situation. She is completely dependent upon me.
She has become disrespectful to a point where we cannot have a conversation when she is drinking or need drink because she hollers at me like I'm a child. She has been unemployed for the last 6 years. I have decided not to argue with her which seems to set her off even more and I have also decided not to give her the little allowance that I'd been giving her understanding that she is unemployed. She complains that it is not enough, but when I tell her to get a job she comes off like I'm being cruel to her. I'm a b*tch of a mother. She even wrote in a message to my grandneice "my mother is a fng b*tch I hate her."
The summer before last I sent her home to live with her dad. She trashed the room that he let her have just as she trashed my entire house with hundreds of empty malt liquor bottles and gallon jugs of piss. It took 3 years to clean the mess out. When she completely trashed her dad's place and didn't even have a space on the bed to lay on she started sleeping over every night at my house and it wasn't long before she started hiding bottles everywhere here and I had to speak to her about it and she went off.
She started on me again two days ago and I told her that she had to go home (to her dad's house). She was running my pressure up. I'm struggling on two meds to keep in down as it is. She said she felt like Francis Bean (the abused child of Curt Cobain-and daughter of the hot mess Courtney Love-whom I have absolutely nothing in common with and she knows I deplore). That was supposed to set me off but I said I'll talk to you when you sober us. To which she responded, well that'll be never.
She asked me for money I told her I was not going to give her anymore that she'd have to pull it together and get a job, sell on ebay or something I'd give her junk to sell, because I was only enabling her addiction as I know she is going right to the stop n go and buy alcohol. She threatened to prostitute herself to which I said, "I'd really hate to see you do that, you can do better, but if you do it'll be your choice. You are a grown woman I cannot control you and it is not my responsibility to support your addiction. Well, she is pissed at me now.
Was I wrong in what I said and somebody,anybody please help me.
Welcome Carol! What Dean said. Makes a lot of sense to me. My recovery started when my wife threw me out of the house. Alcoholics don't seem to get the seriousness of the situation until they start suffering consequences for their actions. Sometimes a lot of consequences.
Sounds like some heathly boundaries are in order to protect and get/keep yourself well.
Hi, I completely agree with Dean. Being an Alcoholic myself allows me to know without a " sufficient bottom" ( A place where I personally could not go on) I would not have reached out for help. Alanon may be a good resource for You to find some relief with your tough choices. I do know how painful some choices are. With caring thoughts, Toad
Welcome Carol, I agree with the others and my experience is the same. Feeling the full consequences, hitting bottom, was what got me asking for help. I know it was real hard for my parents to let go, but it saved my life.
There is another board here called al-anon. It is for the family and friends of alcoholics. We help support each other through the trying times that come up, by sharing our experience, strength and hope. There is a wide range of people with different experiences who would share with you.
I belong to both boards as well as others. The members on this board are wonderful to learn about the struggles that the alcoholics in our lives are going through. They give me a sense of hope that things can get better.
Im sorry to hear whats going on. I was somewhat like your daughter, I ended up getting really hurt and really sick which is something that changed my life and made me start helping myself. I understand a lot of things better now and hopefully your daughter sees the light somewhere.
