I have been sober since 12/09/2009. I got out of jail that day and by the grace of God walked straight up the hill to a morning meeting. I had a beard and long hair from months of "being down". I took a friends anti-whatever pills while I was in jail so I could sleep, so I wasn't actually sober till I was released on that day. I went to a program a couple of days later, that I was real reluctant to go to because I had just been locked up. Unknown to me this place allowed freedom, 11 o'clock curfew, lots of good (better) food and snacks and some really awesome counseling, which I devoted complete honesty to. I prayed everyday in jail not to get out, I was already sentenced, there were no foxhole prayers to be made. I simply, begged, God to keep me from going back to the same hellhole I was in when I got picked up for my warrant.

Before jail, I skipped town in 2006 to avoid the 7 or 8 cases I had built against myself, all of which could have been taken care of, but I exausted myself and the court system. I went to Wisconsin, where I didn't drink for about a month. I got a job as soon as I got there that week, and after about a month I started frequenting the bar down the street. Funny thing, I took a buddy from work there one night on a Friday, I said I been there a couple times, as we walked through the door the whole bar yells heyyyy C.J.W (substitute name)!!! He says "Only a couple times huh?" I just gave him the same smug smile I'd been giving everyone for years.

Then one day my buddy called from California, so I picked up and went again. This time I worked for a hotel and resort up in the Redwoods. It was beautiful. We hiked everyday and I got promoted to breakfast cook and all was well, until I found the local beer brewery. As the story always goes, I secluded, rarely called family and pretty much gave up on everything I had there till we moved to Redding California where I spent a month accomplishing nothing accept getting drunk and leaving, hitchiking to a little town called Weed Ca, ironicly. As I called my moms, and caught the first bus back to Iowa, I finally knew what it felt like to be just completely broken, spiritually, emotionally and physically. I had absolutely nothing to offer anyone nor myself. I made it back to Iowa and started a job at a bar. "Free drinks to the cook, my cooks drink free", said the bartender. Guess how long that job lasted. In the mean time I met a girl, 3 kids 2 different dads, knew her since elementry school. Got engaged per her request and eventually I didn't like our co-dependantly outrageous relationship, So I left her, twice. I was also taking care of my Great-Grandmother a couple times a week, so I was still doing good things, right?

 But just as I had shown up in Iowa to the welcoming commitee I was off again, down to Georgia. Again a job within the first week and no drinks for the first month. Then boom, I was without friends, and sneaking alcohol into the room my Aunt provided for me when she invited me down. Every night after work I snuck the booze up the back steps and hid it by the back door and then returned through the front door, making small talk through the living room to the bedroom where I could get "invisible" from the world. I had graduated to a new level of drinking, consuming till passing out was my only option. I showed up at work every morning and went into the bathroom to look myself over, knowing I shouldn't be there and some days feeling so weak, I believe I was close to exaustion and heart failure. I moved into the below apartment from my aunt where I moved into my place, a real pretty girl name Cherish. I did everything but that. I no longer Cherished anything in my life. Everything meant nothing unless it came from the Canton Package and was wrapped in a brown paper bag. I drank everyday, all day into the night and on a couple occasions ate about a bottle of Vicodins. I remember telling myslef as I finished my umpteen half pint that I didnt care if I died. I believe I meant it, I felt like I was slowely dying.  So one day I scared her away, trshed the apartment and took the first bus back to Iowa, not before being met by the Georgia police, and i smiled smugly once again as they told me theres nothing they can really arrest me for and that I should just get on the bus and continue to Iowa. I had my booze in the bags and I was gone.

When I returned to Iowa, I had nothing, I slept on a mat on the floor at the local homeless shelter, I walked the homeless downtown trail from feeding spot to feeding spot to the library and back again. I managed to get 2 jobs and move in with my best friends widow, I rented her basement. He had comitted suicide while I was back from California, right when I left the girl with 3 kids and took off to Georgia. Needless to say his house brought back alot of memories, ones that I had been trying to supress since Georgia, and long before that. So I got drunk everyday yadda yadda no surprise, and stole liqour from the Bar I worked at, same bar I worked at before accept they had new owners and staff, haha...not really. The next day I got picked up for public intox and taken in on my warrant.

You know after having been through all that, and sobering up and getting the right counseling and staying sober for 2 years now, marrying a sober, sweet, God loving girl, getting back with family x10, license, car, job yadda yadda I still somehow found myself in a real funky place lately. I haven't attended meetings in about a year, and tonight Im going to a very small crowd here in Davenport, Ia, to a speaker meeting. First meeting in a quite a while so I think I will just listen. I was anti-AA for a while because I got tired of opinions and personalities and fake people. But what I realize now, is if I had been working a good program, living one day at a time and walking the walk,with a sponser, I would have realized it's not just about me. I have gotten sober and stayed sober and haven't passed that on to someone else. Ive shared things with young guys like myself and older ones but not really passed it on, you know?. To me that just seems a little wrong don't you think? I have decided to ease back into AA, even though I grew up in it thanks to family. I want to do whats right and pass it on to the ones who really direly need it right now, also resentments build up when you don't have a sponser, God knows I keep everything from my wife as to not put all my worries on her.  

Any way, I feel good now that I wrote all this out, I know some view it as a drunk-o-logue (spelling?) but if it interests you Im glad you are reading it. It is just a bunch of things I havent shared in quite some time with people who were there for me in the beginning and are still out there, being a beacon of hope for others who were hopelessly lost at one point and near death like me. I can tell you that writting this, I have a very different feeling as I did when I created my new account and started typing this 20 minutes ago. I feel relief. Greatfulness. Something I lost along the way.

Thanks,

C.J.W

God bless.   

Hey CJ, I just read your story (skimmed through it the first time). I'm glad that you're getting re-involved with AA. It worries me when I hear about folks with less than 5 years, not going to meetings/working a program. Alcoholism is a primary disease, like cancer. Our "recovery rate" is low until a person passes 5 years statistically (do you feel lucky, ). Put your time in the program/meetings/sponsorship and buy some insurance against relapse. It comes at you fast.