Aloha all...been growing still abided by HP and the program versus my current life status and physical, mental, emotional and spiritual condition. Listening to an old tape in my head with my elder sponsors voice telling me, "If you're not recovering on all four levels, all at the same time, you're not recovering".
I once researched the psycological profile for an alcoholic the first point on the list being that alcoholics are risk takers and although I went further down the profile list I really didn't have the need to. I wasn't trying to add more conviction to what I had already accepted of myself just decided to color in the picture with stuff I hadn't already learned.
I've hardly ever taken the easy path in my life or played it safe. That I've drank into overdose is just one small piece of evidence while there are others. I won't spell them out use your own experiences they will work as well I'm sure, however, for me, of the many pieces of my "risk taking puzzle"...the why I did/do it I find several old justifications...Ego and pride of course being one of them. Can't leave home without ego and pride they have their values. Another is a sense of security which has been born of so many survivor events in my life that I came to the reality that I am impervious to harm..."I will escape because I have escaped so often in the past to events which have taken others out. I have to continue...this is work against a relapse because I have escaped chemical overdoes using alcohol where I should not have survived it. I know other guys stories also...we attend meeting together and while the others guys have used these survivor attempts to facilitate loosing the compulsion to drink my head continues to review; after all this time, the escapes and the voice of risk repeats..."You can because you have always." The exclamation mark to that statement came after a survival from a toxic shock event. My VA counselor had me look at it as perhaps a suicide event that alcohol prevented.
The risk taker is not dead but still practicing? I drank because "I could". It was there and I could...no other reason but. I've placed myself in other dangers without first thinking of the consequences because "I could". I don't see the possible dangers before I act only the prior escapes. I don't choose to do things because they are safe mostly because they are right for me and survivable.
As cunning powerful and baffling alcoholism is I'm pretty well assured that its not working me toward another attempt. I'm getting a spontaneous review of my past to inventory so that it can benefit my present and I need a brighter flashlight and some guides who may have been over this trail themselves.
Any guides out there with ESH regarding risk taking; drinking and such who want to input this. Its been working me for a couple of months - yes ever since the arrest and assault in November...I believe I mentioned that. I'm sitting and listening...open mindedly.
Interesting issue-that risk taking element many of us are riddled with.
You said "Another is a sense of security which has been born of so many survivor events in my life that I came to the reality that I am impervious to harm..."I will escape because I have escaped so often in the past to events which have taken others out. " Wow, that really resonates with me. Especially the bizarre and kinda perverse function of survivorship-as-security blanket.
I know my quasi-addiction to the survivor role has put me in jeopardy of letting up on vigilance with my relapse prevention techniques, which I tend to start to let slip as the "fight or flight" rush is activated. Mostly what I do about it-- concurrent with all the 12 step tools--- is flee to my favorite expert therapist and have a session or two or three as a "tune up". Then I'm usually solid and stable for up to a year or more, based on my pattern to date.
yes the "risk taker" is alive and well, in this alcoholic. Mostly sports that I enjoy. But today I "manage risk" through training, planning, preparation, equipment, and studying statistics. I take some other avoidable risks, like driving a few miles over the speed limit etc... And I procrastinate a bunch, which sometimes could cost me a job or a late fee of some sort. I don't know what I think that I will gain by these dysfunctional behaviors. Every year though, I do it less, and most of the time, I'm writing the check on time, and even driving the speed limit. Progress not perfection.
That response is very gratefully accepted as I continue to inventory my past in vivid color and contrast. My default thinking (past) has come back to encourage me to "go after it". I've had a couple very very good counselors the best of which is 2600 miles northeast across the Pacific...that's not an excuse to reach out. He is one of the ones that helped me discover a dual personality which most closely defines the alcoholic me. Thanks for the response Leeu...I will apply it to my practice of recovery. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 12th of January 2012 06:32:19 PM
Hi, Mine was a deep, well hidden belief that I needed to control. The Blue Book mentions " The Real Alcoholic bow's neither to God nor Man " 25 Years sober I found out just how well hidden that truth was in me. I am grateful to have survived that Sober bottom. Ride Safe Brother, Toad
I look more of my 'RISK TAKING" an extended effort to step out on faith,such as our upcoming leaving our jobs of over 30 years for me,ten for my wife,leaving my son,who is in his 2nd year of recovery from heroin addiction(26 yr old) ,no job,a shrinking 401K and a definite new environment(Florida for a northeast boy) It has taken me almost a year to actually incorporate the 'faith' that I always profess to have.It just seems for me as I am getting older(be 64 still not that old) I am not sure if IM involved in risk taking or just losing some of the fear of "getting out of my comfort zone".I will be taking many "risks" with Gods grace in Florida,playing out in bars again with a band,training for another marathon,playing in a praise and worship band at a new church,for the first time in over 30 years applying for a new job,but i guess im not seeing it as risk(where i may have time ago.The more I trust in my God it seems as if 'risk" is in Gods hands for me.If my ticket is punched then i am trying to ensure im as ready as "humanely possible"My risks now seem more like adventures on the positive side and if it seems negative,I have learned some tools to take a look inside....Peace my brother....Stay in the light
__________________
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Mike...Mahalo...the way you describe it is post or current recovery that (living life) with the constant awareness that we are powerless and that with our HP and a program of recovery the chances of unmanagablility will be much less to nothing. I listen to your share and am comforted about the lessons of apply the program BEFORE you respond rather than run on the compulsion and react and then use the lessons and program AFTER it hits the fan. I never met an alcoholic including myself who ran the process of life the way you have just painted it before recovery.
You fellows have been helping me to visualize (I listen best that way) the process of staying out of self rather than dealing with the consequences of a "crap shoot". The disease has been described to me as a "Compulsion of the mind" and I have learned for me again that it was just a compulsion and I never used my mind until I got into program and then after that slowly came to understand.
This is for me a relapse...not the drinking and on the level of thinking or not.
I'm still listening. Grateful that I can do that while somewhat sleepwalking.
