I started the process of staying sober for fear of losing my family. Life has been gracious enough to me, that I still have all of them in my lives, although my husband and I do not sleep in the same bedroom. I feel so grateful to have what I have, yet a deep sense of loss. I'm torn between grieving for the loss, and getting better. I'm now doing this for me, and not to "win him back". I feel almost selfish now, that I'm not more focused on helping "us". Although he doesn't seem interested in that anyway. I guess it's just out of my hands, and I should keep focusing on me right now. Does anyone else feel selfish leaving their families every night to go to a meeting, or read a book, or excersise etc?
Alot of the stuff your dealing with there is up in your head, not a good place to play. Our brains had become a entity of their own. We are not our brain. Proof of that is that our brain talks to us. Think about it. Or better yet don't, just take my word for it. With that said, a good deal of that dialog that goes on between our ears (most all of it) is useless blathering that keeps us from experiencing reality and the present. Learning how ignore that over glorified calculator, called our brain, is a important part of recovery. Especially for us intellectual types.
Last night I came home after my meeting, and the kids were already settled down into bed for the most part. I did get to say goodnight. Then I did my own things. Read, road my rec. bike, took a long shower, watched a little t.v. while doing a few boob curls, meditated, did some deep breathing, and made myself a giant salad. I have felt so alone, but have ALWAYs been surrounded by people in my drinking times. Last night I was alone, and I felt like I was in awesome company... ME!!!!! : ) Love AA
Last night I came home after my meeting, and the kids were already settled down into bed for the most part. I did get to say goodnight. Then I did my own things. Read, road my rec. bike, took a long shower, watched a little t.v. while doing a few boob curls, meditated, did some deep breathing, and made myself a giant salad. I have felt so alone, but have ALWAYs been surrounded by people in my drinking times. Last night I was alone, and I felt like I was in awesome company... ME!!!!! : ) Love AA
Well, I am right there with you...except for the boob curls
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Light a man a fire and he's warm for a night, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Welcome Tasha! Glad to have you here. I've been where your at. It appears to our self conscious that it's selfish, but the reality is anything we put before our sobriety we will lose second. The first thing we will lose is ourselves. I had the painful experience of practicing this. Not recommended. Some say it's a selfish program. In fact; it may be in the beginning while we sober up and cling to life. But what I've learned is everyone I come into contact with benefits from me working The Program. So in fact; it becomes a selfless program because everyone benefits from it.
I do have 2 kids and had a wife for the first 3 years of sobriety. I worked with my Sponsor on a meeting and step schedule that would balance out my time. Sobriety was still my priority, but we were able to balance it out with a schedule that kept me sober, working the steps and spending time with family. Each individual would need to find that balance.
I too had the feeling of loneliness when my wife and I recently separated. It was an amicable separation. What I found out was it was just feelings, fear based- not fact. Fear of the unknown. It was unchartered territory for me. It didn't take long for reality to set in. I was fine and actually enjoyed going home at night. I had a new serenity and peace. I actually enjoy my alone time today. I enjoy being with me. That is a miracle. The miracle of God and The 12 Steps of AA.
I went to my first meeting 4 days ago and have been to 4 meetings, four days in a row. I started here on the board, hoping I wouldn't have to show up and ever face anyone. You all pushed me into it, along with my husband. Every day I change a little bit more for the better. More patient, more kind. I am excited for the next meeting each day. Now I see that since I've only been sober a couple of weeks, I need to just let time do it's thing, and live each day. I got my BB last night, and am really excited to start reading it. Thanks for the encouragement here, and saving my life.
