Do you all of a sudden feel like it just CLICKS! The second you admit to yourself, truly and undeniably, that you have a disease, that you're allergic to alcohol, you just think of it differently? Like the poison it is to your body, instead of just something you do to get through everything big or small? That joy you found in it, could never again be had? That life is now brand new? That you find joy in everything else, and just being alive?
All at once?
This is how it's felt for me. I want my body back, and have been exercising three times per day, plus lifting weights a little. This is my new "happy boost". I now couldn't imagine not doing this every day of my life. My very young kids who I used to feel were holding me back from the things I wanted to do in life, I now look at as the teachers of laughter, wonder and love for life. I want to try new things! Every day! It may be as simple as brushing my teeth left handed, a new recipe, or as big as seeing a new country (something I was always secretly afraid of before... the flying, the unfamiliarity?). I have goals now, I believe in myself. I know I can accomplish things because drinking is no longer going to hold me back from anything. I was so uninterested in anything pertaining to life. I finally arrived at the day that I realized, if I wasn't absolutely against suicide (having found an ex-bf with his head shot off, consequently leaving me with PTSD and a love for drinking it away), and leaving people behind, that I probably would make a plan involving it. At that very same time, almost same day, my husband stepped in and decided to withdraw any love or support for me. My new beginning here, (1 week old) and new outlook on life, are crushed every time he rejects me, and I go from feeling great and positive, to bursting into tears and feeling like it's not even worth it. That's when that new teeny tiny little voice emerges and says "but YOU are worth it". I haven't felt worthwhile for so long, that it doesn't even seem like my own voice saying it. It seems like it's coming from outer space. But, though the journey that far was long, it made it here, and my tears subside. I sit back down with one of my self help books, or find myself here on this site. And already, I know not to stray from any of these things for even a day. Almost every day that I drank, I swore would be my last. I've tried to quit so many times, only to start feeling better, believe I could then handle drinking again, and quit anything I was doing for myself. Here is what's different: I believe I have an illness. I believe in myself. I know I need to hear your stories every day. I know I need to make my body stronger and stick with it. I know I need to read, and do things I love, and for myself, and WANT TO! I'M in charge of my feelings. Not my husband. Yes, he's hurting me, but I've hurt him too. Today I'd like to work on forgiving him, and more importantly myself. It's going to be a good day.
well there was an undeniable and audible "click" for me, but what we get is a -daily reprieve- contingent upon the maintenance of our "spiritual condition" ie; realizing alcohol is a deadly poison, but alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful and above all it's PATIENT, this is why we go to meetings, work the steps, and then work with others, in order to maintain that "moment of clarity", without daily diligence most, as in 99.99999% of all alcoholics return to drinking sooner or later, usually sooner (that number was pulled out of my butt to make a point, no studies were conducted that support that number, but no animals were harmed either)
I had to use that "moment of clarity" to springboard to sobriety, all that moment is, is an open doorway we can dash through to -begin- sobriety, it doesn't guarantee sobriety, it just gives us a few hours, days or weeks we need to start taking insurance out to protect ourselves from slipping, while of critical importance, it isn't "Lasting Sobriety", merely a "doorway to lasting sobriety", I can't convey the importance of this nor the vast experience we, as a Program have learned about this, nor stress the importance of following up on this moment of clarity, as millions of alcoholics both sober and drunk can attest, what you have is a fork in the road, what road you take is determined now by your actions, not your decisions, as in if you choose the road of no action with good intentions and the "decision" to stay sober, you will soon be drunk, that is how alcoholism kills us.
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Light a man a fire and he's warm for a night, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Yes, there is some element of that "aha" moment for all of us who get sober. That is the 1st half of the 1st step though and there are still 11 and a half to go. Some will call what you are going through "a pink cloud." I remember the feelings you are describing. It was an awakening like "OMG! What have I been doing to myself?! I've been missing all these great things in life!! I've been having a pity party so long I forgot life was still worth living!" Anyhow, like I said in my last post - You don't get to keep all those things unless you commit to a serious program of recovery. Even with meetings, having a sponsor, working steps - I have my bad days and life socks me in the face. If my sobriety was contingent upon feeling "happy" all the time, it would be gone. This is why we work dilligently every day and develop a program utilizing all the tools AA has to offer.
I think you are doing great and, to me, it sounds like God has given you a gift of some clarity/awareness. I am only speaking to you in an urgent tone about getting to meetings, finding a sponsor, and working steps because it would seem that now is your window of opportunity.
In support,
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I had a moment of grace when i finaly admited i was beat by alcohol .
The twelve steps , it's people , their esh (experience , strength and hope ) help keep my ego humble and in check before my understanding of a higher power that gives me that grace ( my ideas of a higher power or god or "it" are pritty scetchy and un-defined but that dosnt seem to bother "it" , so it certainly dosn't bother me ) . Every day is a gift , even the bad ones , i make sure i'm humbly greatful for being given the chance to live even a moment of this life that "it" has given me . I hope , pray and will do anything healthy so that it continues .
I'd urge you learn as much as you can about the tools used now , so you can be steadfast and show forbearance in the face of things when bad stuff happens .
-- Edited by londan on Saturday 31st of December 2011 01:32:28 PM
I heard the click too. Thank you for sharing your experience tasha. You helped the click in my head with something I been struggling with. Its not a drink or a drug. I had the click with that a long time ago, and like has been said, its a door opening to where if I want freedom I must walk through and take the actions and keep taking actions to be free. I am free of the shackles of the bottle. When you said " the joy you found in it, could never be found again " I was knocked over with a b.f.o bright flash of the obvious. I've walked through a door to a place I can only stay if I take the actions to stay. thank you for putting that out there. I have been messing with a relationship that has been as destructive in my live every bit that alcohol was, except I don't get to black out and forget for a while. You brought to mind a line I picked up a long tome ago but has slipped away from me " if nothing changes, nothing changes " very simple but very powerful statement when the click happens. Thank you. I hope that you, I, and many others take that walk through the door to freedom and stay free from what ever prison we find ourselves in.
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Since it cost a lot to win, and even more to loose, you and me gotta spend some time just wondering what to choose.
The number of times Ive sat in bed in a dim lit room staring at the ceiling, alone, drunk and saying im quitting i couldnt count if I tried. Ive been there a million times...wanting to quit...knowing if I did things would get better...somewhat knowing alcohol is the problem...getting serious about it and almost feeling something *CLICK*...and then getting drunk again for some unexplainable reason...feeling worthless... a never ending cycle...hopeless about solving it....Yes! it does happen for people like this...and the only way Ive stayed sober is with this program...and I was also right...all of the other problems in my life started to work out as soon as i quit drinking
Col - you inspired me to go back and read some of my original posts tonight - kind of crazy going back! I read this one and that post of Brian's was so powerful to me then, and still today. And to everyone who never gave up me... thanks!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Tasha- that's great:) I think I needed that right now! Pinkchips post hit home for me ( paraphrasing ) ' if my sobriety was contingent upon being happy all the time' ... I'm at a funky place right now, I have to be honest. My sponser tells me I'm 'doing great' and I'm amongst the most open and willing sponsored shes had- I wonder if she's blowing smoke up my butt lol. I'm doing all the work, and have made a lot of progress and changes, but there's something 'off' with me. I don't know what it is. I pray, and my prayers usually take the form of conversations with God. I'm all " what's wrong with me?!"... There's NOTHING 'wrong', I just feel so much turmoil for no reason I can put my finger on. I don't understand. I was going to delete my account here, I just didn't feel as though I belonged anymore. Something told me not to, then today I come across a bunch of posts that really speak to me. I just don't get what the issue is with me. Is this normal, or am I missing something? I'm just like so sick of myself lol
The more distance you put between you and your last drink will cause these type feelings to lessen over time ... it took time for us to get as sick as we did, and it'll take time to get the kind of life and the type thinking that is healthy ... remember, King Alcohol is following you around right now trying to convince you there's something wrong ... the longer you stay sober, the more pissed off he becomes and the harder he'll try to convince you you need a drink ... he wants you to be thinking that that (a drink) can make everything okay ...
Our main goal in staying sober is the be rid of our 'old' way of thinking, and instill a 'new' healthy way to think ... there's truth to the saying "You are what you think" ... we just need to work to change our thinking and God, or our 'higher power', is there to help us along ... you're not 'missing' anything, you just haven't got all the pieces of the puzzle together yet ... keep coming back and that will change ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Ha I revise that. The one thing I'm unable ( or unwilling) to do is let people in. All of my connections with people are superficial, even in the program. Allright, that's all from me. Lol I'm sure nobody wants to hear me whine any longer ha.
Well, now that I've gone through my first 3 or 4 months of posts - I would say that for me that exact same thing happened. But - really - it is all just part of recovery. Learning to walk through some feelings like this, and still stick with it, is important.
I wish you would post more here Col - I think you have a lot to contribute here, and for me, you're part of my family here at MIP. I care about you, and how you're doing, and even think about you during the day when I'm out and about or at meetings or whatever... people will say something, and I'll think of stuff you'll have said or whatever.
It's weird to be far apart - and never see each other face to face. I wish I could just call you up and go out for coffee with you! I feel like I know a lot more about you, than I do anyone else I sit in live meetings with. It's weird how that works. Maybe we would never talk to each other in real life - and God had us meet here for a reason - but maybe not! Maybe some day we will meet for that coffee.
I guess all I know is, where ever I feel a connection to people now, I don't disregard it. That's the old me. When I read your posts, I laugh and cry right along with you... so that's real to me. It's important. You're important to my recovery, and I would miss you if you were gone.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I never felt you were whining, ... I felt you brought up a very good issue of just not 'feeling right' ... I went through this period early in my sobriety too ... I was sober, but it just didn't feel right, I felt something was wrong, or I hadn't done something in the program right ... I was confused at my feelings ... so I know what you're going through ... I was desperate to understand, and it served to make me feel at a loss in my sobriety ... once I stopped trying to understand things and learned to accept it would take more time and that I needed patience as my sponsor told me, then things just seem to start all coming together and I began enjoying being clean & sober ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
