I'm New. Support???

Jacq · Member

I'm New. Support???

carlasober · Senior Member

Welcome Jacq, I have had those same thoughts and feelings. Your post reminded me of my life when I was drinking. I could not understand why I continue to drink and do the things that I was doing. I have made New Years resolutions plenty of times. I have sworn to God man and anyone who would listen that I will not NEVER do this again....another vicious cycle, I drank. I was introduced to AA through treatment. I still did not believe that I was a alcoholic(denial)but I kept coming back! One day at a time I learned about this disease called alcoholism. I learned this by attending AA meetings and studying the Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous. Later on I got a sponsor and she suggested me to go to Step study meetings and Big Book study meetings. It was at a step study meeting that I admitted and accepted Step 1 wholeheartedly. God of my understanding gave me that moment and gift of clarity. My sponsor guided me through the 12 steps and my life has not been the same since. Not only did God remove my obsesstion to drink he took my world and turn it completely around. By the grace of God I have a wonderful life today. You are not alone, Cyber Hug and Keep Coming Back!

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Welcome Jacq, you are in the right place. Lots of sober women here that can share their experience, strength, and hope with you. There is lots to talk about, in reference to your topic. I'll share more later, but will ask this. Wouldn't you be a lot more productive, in your individual therapy, and in your marriage counseling if you were not drinking and mood altering? No where is it more apparent than AA, that to make personal progress (self help) of the self analytical kind meaningful, we must be free from mood altering substances or events (sex, gambling...) We can't get to the bottom of what's eating us if we are numbing ourselves first. And overachievers and highly educated folks are over represented in AA. We, generally, feel that we have to DO MORE of everything, just to measure up (get recognized) to/by "normal" folks. It's that "outside looking in" feeling that most whom come here indentify with.

Dean

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 27th of December 2011 01:17:10 PM

SeekingSerenity · Veteran Member

Welcome Jacq : )

Wow talk about an echo "I felt like I was a nothing, I felt like he didn't want to be with me, I felt totally worthless, I felt useless," mine went on and on. The more I drank the more I got to add to the s@@@ pile. I also went to counseling and felt so desperate after the session that only alcohol could take away the feeling. Of course I added to the problem by drinking and fed the whole outlook of it is all my fault by drinking. I had been with my partner for 29 years and it took leaving and finding myself to learn how to make a new pile of positive feelings. I feel fortunate that we had enough years in to weather me being gone for the next 4 years.

The good news is that pile is smaller now for me, it didn't go away overnight or even over weeks or months. In fact after all this time if I am not real careful and if I don't follow what I have learned in the BB and what other AA folks have told me, I can dive right back into the s@@@ pile. It took time but there are now days on end when I feel positive and focused. Now I face life with the "what is the next right thing to do? attitude. I try to take 1 day at a time and when that is too much I knock it down to 1 hour or 1 minute. Whatever it takes to deal with situations in a positive way.

Real time AA meetings saved my life long enough for me to discover the fellowship of AA. Now I have developed a lot of good resources such as reading material (Big Book, 12x12, grapevines) I talk daily with my sponsor and other AA friends, I touch base with this forum daily, I have a home group and attend as many meetings as I can get to (living in a small town that only has 1 weekly meeting it involves traveling) I have redecorated my home to make 1 room my own sanctuary with positive sayings on the wall and candles and anything at all in it that makes me feel spiritual. I also pray to my Higher Power am and pm and just about any time that I need guidance or I am thankful for an outcome. I have a little plaque that says "if you need help ask God if you don't thank God"

I hope you find the support you need here and in other places. It does get better

vixen · MIP Old Timer

Welcome, Jacq! You don't have to ever drink again if you don't want to. AA meetings will give you the steps and the support you need and this board can aid greatly as you discover how to live a life without alcohol. AA has shown me a better way to live and I now love going to meetings and having a group of people to talk with that understand how I think and behave.

Wishing you only the very best. :)

Jacq · Member

My husband is so angry. I have asked him for support. He is quick to point out my failings. He will say, "You drank on this day." He won't say, "I'm proud that you went two, three weeks, or how many days without a drink." He is also depressed. He blames alcohol, my use. It's not very supportive. Anyone been through this?

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Jacq, My x-wife was not supportive either. She drank nightly after work. When I asked her to not keep alcohol in the house, to help me, while I was attending AA and getting sober. She said "that's your problem, not mine". Once you figure out someone is not going to support you, or give you approval, don't look for it. It's your own approval that is important. Going to AA meetings, we find lot's of support from people that are doing/trying to do the same thing that we are, get sober and recover from this disease. Have you looked online for AA meetings in your area?

Here's one of many links to find meetings in your area, or you can search by googling for you specific are, or you can call the AA phone number to talk to recovering folks (volunteers) at your local AA intergroup office. http://www.meetingfinder.org/

jess1818 · Member

Hi Your story is quite common. It is our actions that our long suffering partners see and the dread and uncertainty of when we turn Jekyll and Hyde It did not help me that my Dad stopped drinking for a few weeks , because when he drank it was horrific and it did not help my husband when I stopped drinking because when I drank it was terrible for him We do not see ourselves drunk , they do .We drink and are great at minimising the chaos our drinking has caused,because of blackout and so we often just do not remember and when someone tells us , we think they are exaggerating This is why AA meetings are good because as we listen to the stories of others hopefully at some point the penny will drop and we will stop drinking one day at a time and recover from this life threatening illness It is the only way for me Check out meetings in your area and I strongly suggest you get to one , it takes courage , but all decisions do

billyjack · Senior Member

Welcome to the board. I have been through it, on both sides of it. In my first marriage I was the drink and my wife hardly drank. When we meet, I was on a self imposed period of abstinence, not knowing I was an alcoholic. Just thought I drank a little too much and going too far when I did. I usually drank to out also, kicked out, knocked out, passed out. Any way, when we met, I was involved in a certain church that I had responsibilities in. I started going three about a year and a half earlier thinking that al I needed to do was straighten up and fly right. Well that worked for a little while, for when we met,I wasn't drinking, and was a normal spiritual guy ( on the out side ).

TO THE POINT.....When she married me, she thought she was marrying some one different then she actually did. A few months after we married I started to drink again, not like I used to, I had the appearance of a social drinker, but inside it was never enough. A little while after that, I was caught in a high voltage electrical explosion and burned quite bad. Was on morphine for three months. When I got out of the hospital, in just a couple of weeks I started to drink like I used to and worse, before I went on that self imposed abstinence. I went from drinking at home a few hours to out at the bar all night to not coming home for days.

She had no clue what happened. Who the hell was this that showed up looking like her husband, kinda, to a fall down hope to die drunk. It was a nightmare for her. I tore our whole life apart. I destroyed her hopes and dreams. She went from being angry to depressed to trying to kill herself twice. I did have times when it looked like I was getting better and or life would return to normal but they were short lived and only brought about the worst thing I could ever do to her. I gave her hope and then tore it away. The whole time I had no clue I was a real alcohol. I even went to AA. But I knew too much they couldn't tell me anything.

. The marriage died. She had to run for her life or be sucked into the abyss of my alcoholism. Prolonged exposure to me had made her very very sick. Alcoholism is a family disease. We destroy the lives of the people we love the most, and then blame them for not being there for us. We give them hope that their lives will be normal again and then rip it all away, and wonder why they are biter and don't trust us anymore. I call it the dance of death.

I have recently gone through this on the other side. I have been with a woman who was sober when we met, and then feel back into the abyss of her alcoholism. Over the past few years I have experienced what it was like for my first wife to be with me. I know first hand what price she had to pay to be with me.
AA and Alanon can help. We specialize in giving hope to the hopeless, help to the helpless, and putting back together the broken beyond repair. But you probably don't think your that bad and that your case is different. That would be the mating call of the real alcoholic. Hope you stock around and find

billyjack · Senior Member

I am writing this on my smart phone and it don't work like a regular computer, and it kicked me out before I was done. I hope you sick around and both you and your husband find the help you both need to offset this killer disease of alcoholism.

SoberSteve · MIP Old Timer

Welcome Jacq, we need you here!

Brian_2012 · Member

Hi, Im new here as well. When I read your post it sounded to me like your suffering from the same low feelings as many people who drink. During 2009 and 2010 I was prescribed antidepressants because alcohol pulled me so far down I was unable to enjoy anything even if there was lots of positive things around me. I never took the drugs but Things gradually went uphill when I decided that I was going to try and help myself and stop drinking. I am now living a much more optimistic life and im seeing things in a much clearer way. Brian

Jacq · Member

Thank you for the support. I decided yesterday that I will be taking care of myself. It's too emotionally debilitating to live in the negative each day. This week I've written 3 sections of my dissertation. It's keeping me busy.

gonee · MIP Old Timer

Welcome!

Jacq · Member

I'm still going strong. Working up a storm. I trying to stay focused. No desire to drink. I am so determined. Partly because my husband told me I can't do it. I'm mad now. I'm doing it for me. Jacq

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Jacq, nice to hear that you're finishing up your doctorate. Congrats!

Jacq · Member

Thank you for the encouragement. It saddens me that my husband has set me up to fail. I have not been fair to him in the past. Never really took him seriously. I thought I was just trying to get through the day and survive with the least amount of hurt as possible. I didn't think I could do it without a buffer. Obviously, it didn't work in alcohol. My whole life has changed. Friends, family. I've cried a lot with the loss, yet, I'm not sure I lost that much. Friends who were always self-medicating and persuading me to put responsibility on the back burner and be a poor role model for my kids? I think of all the energy I expended making excuses and rationalizations. What a waste. Jacq

SeekingSerenity · Veteran Member

I used to think my partner had set me up to fail. I honestly believed that the only reason I did not stay sober was because he made it impossible. Yes I knew my behavior was unacceptable when I drank but since it was "his" fault I drank well ........... I lived that way for years.

When I left this home to recover it was with a broken heart because I believed if he would have supported me I could of done this (getting sober) What a shock it was to realize it was me. Getting sober had nothing to do with who supported me or sabotaged me, when I surrendered and turned my life and will over to AA (that is what I did in the beginning) my life changed. I cried oceans of tears believing the power was in my partner and he would not give it. When I set my boundaries, after figuring out what the heck boundaries were, he respected and worked within them. I also spent an equal # of years and tears in desperation when I thought if he would not give it I had to reach inside myself and find strength and I could not find it.

I hated the slogan "Let go and Let God" but that is what is required. For me I let go and let AA and in time it progressed to where I now believe that slogan, I also feel relief from it not resentment.

Hope this helps somewhat to save you a few years of tears

Jacq · Member

I think I was misunderstood. My husband looked at me and told me I would fail. He did not set me up to fail. He told me I cannot do it. That was hurtful. You are right, I will find it within myself to succeed. Jacq

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Jacq - Have you been to any meetings or read any AA literature yet? You will NOT find success within yourself. Willpower is not enough to stop your pattern of drinking when you feel negative or intense emotions. 3 drinks sounds like very little to me, but your reasoning and the way you describe your problems and the relationship you have with alcohol does sound like alcholism to me.

So...you have a wonderful sober journey in front of you. Focus on not drinking TODAY and that it IT. Get to a meeting please and do not project forward. You will will not find the ability to stop long term within "yourself." It will be from AA and your higher power.

Also, I had a partner just prior to coming into AA who used to sabotage me and tell me I would fail. I left him and and stopped drinking on the same day....over 3 years ago. I didn't do it to prove him wrong, or to be a role model to others...I did it cuz alcohol was destroying my life and I was crippled with fear about everything. I was a shell of a person because of alcohol. It messed up every aspect of my life. I needed AA meetings, sponsorship, stepwork, and fellowship to begin to live a new life with purpose and spirituality.

That is the solution to your problems...Quitting drinking will not change the person you are. It will help, but AA can be the vehicle to help you change and live in a way that is happy, joyous, and free.

Please get to a meeting.

Mark

SeekingSerenity · Veteran Member

Hi Jacq I just wanted to make sure you did not misunderstand me When I said "I also spent an equal # of years and tears in desperation when I thought if he would not give it I had to reach inside myself and find strength and I could not find it. " I meant that I tried to find it within myself to succeed and I COULD NOT!
It was only when I totally gave up that I found strength and that did NOT come from within me. At first it came from the rooms of AA and then from the fellowship of AA and finally from a Higher Power that I could accept.

And no I didn't misunderstand you. Husbands/wives can and do say and mean, incredibly hurtful spiteful things when the addiction of alcohol hit their home. The good news is that when recovery hits the same home there can be some positive change. It is terribly slow and sometimes painful and a true lesson in patience but it can happen.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Jacq wrote:
I think I was misunderstood. My husband looked at me and told me I would fail. He did not set me up to fail. He told me I cannot do it. That was hurtful. You are right, I will find it within myself to succeed. Jacq

that's not nice. He's supposed to be your partner in everything, especially when it comes to health and welfare. But the bottom line is that We have to not pick up that first drink NO Mater What! If you have a bad day or feel like ****, get to a meeting and/or come in here and talk about it. It helps also to have some phone numbers of sober ladies that you can call as soon as you feel like you want to drink. It doesn't take long to talk your self out of it, and like wise, relapse happens pretty darn fast. Many of us have woke up the next day and said wtf happened to me last night?