every year I have to submit my emergency evacuation plan. I have two -a real one and a jokey one. By mistake i sent the jokey one to my boss last year (tme to re submit it) and believe it or not I was told to re write it, take it seriously and re submit it by close of business or face disciplinary action.

it was Para 5 that upset them.

Actions on discovery of a fire:

1. Leave the office by way of primary exit (at foot of stairs), using active leaf only.
2. muster in church car park across the road
3. Call fire brigade, using mobile phone (always in pocket.)
4. If stairs are inaccessible due to fire or smoke, then retreat to office, close office door, call fire brigade by landline, open large window, block gaps around door with whatever materials are available and await rescue.
5. If rescue is not timely, (i.e. when flames are licking around ones nethers) then smash out window frame, lower oneself out of masons opening to full extent of arms and drop, cat like, to floor. (total drop would be less than 4 foot). Or maybe leap like spider man to roof of shed. Or even possibly alpine traverse to drain pipe and shin down it. Roll in agony from suspected broken ankles and call for an ambulance, drag oneself to shelter of nearby shed, roll cigarette and wait for emergency services, while basking in the intolerable radiant heat and waiting for ones eyeballs to boil, hair to ignite and lungs to be seared, hoping that the flames do not break through, ignite the shed, with the motorbikes and vast quantities of flammable liquids contained therein. Probably cry a bit.

(OK, no. 5 is a bit of a joke, but I can really drop from the window if I have to.)