Hello all- My name is Dan. I'm a twenty nine year old alcoholic and addict with twenty seven days sober today. I did a two week inpatient program and have been going to meetings and outpatient daily. I have a sponsor and a solid network of guys for support and totally believe in this program, but I'm running into a huge snag at some meetings, which is why I thought about the online thing in the first place. I have a nasty anxiety problem that is at its peak when I have to speak in front groups of people. In the past this has been a great excuse for me to go back out. You know, I'm not cut out for meetings because they aren't comfortable for me, so I'm just gonna stop going. That was my M.O. And that was always the way my relapses began.
I never wanted to relapse and I certainly don't want to now. The reason I wanted to write this post is because I had an experience at a meeting today that really upset me and felt like a set back to my recovery, and today I refuse to ignore that kind of thing.
In a nutshell, here is what happened:
I am working through the steps with a new sponsor who happened to be doing a Holiday skit at a big meeting this morning. Toward the end of the skit he called a couple people up to the front of the room to give them gifts. I was the last person he asked to come up and take a gift, and I panicked. It was supposed to be a funny, happy time. To me, it was downright terrifying. I began shaking, turned beat red and froze, barely able to speak. They say anxiety can't kill you, but it certainly feels like it can and will.
Except in instances such as the one I've just described, I love AA meetings. I am even managing to speak at most of the discussion meetings without a problem. It is just when I have to stand up in front of the group and read or speak that I really panic. I refuse to give up today but I sure as hell don't like to suffer either. I have, for the first time in my life, really been putting my trust in my higher power and that has been amazing. However, I feel like today I regressed spiritually and emotionally. I just wanted to air this out before it grows into something dangerous. Also wanted to get my feet wet in sober cyberspace. If anyone is wondering, I did call my sponsor shortly before posting this and did not reach him. Thanks for reading. Dan
Hey Dan, Welcome to the board. I certainly went through all of that. I quit drinking, drugs, cigarettes, and being married all in the same week. I was terrified in meetings that I would get called on. I just shook and sweated through the meeting (daily) for about 3 months. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. Made myself start sharing at every meeting, as well as meeting new people at every meeting. At about 6 months I started leading meetings regularly, and making coffee, setting up meetings. It was at this time that I started my own construction business, which involved sales. I was crushed when I was rejected by prospects. I remember telling my sponsor how much it bothered me and thought that people didn't like me when they wouldn't hire me. He told me that not everyone is going to like me for reasons beyond my control like my sex, race, color or my hair, my age, that I ride motorcycles... It was the beginning of learning how to not take what others thought, personal. What you are being presented with is what we call "growth opportunities" not problems. Also all of this sensitivity about one's self is rooted in self centeredness and ego. The reality, nobody cares really, they're all to busy worried about what everyone is thinking about them to judge you. One other thing. If we are worried about others judging us, it's because we are judging others. It's "Buy / Sell" arrangement lol. Hang in there, we all go through it, it's better.. Don't run away from it, embrace, own it, and don't worry about it.
Hi Dan and wellcome. I was a lot like you and Dean when I came in. I suppose you could call it anxiety, but to me it was like a combination of factors, super low self esteem, fear, guilt shame, remorse, withdrawals, inability to feel any real emotions, I felt like a fraud, like I didn't deserve to be there, I couldn't think and I had real difficulty in even stringing a sentence together. I had a head full of scrambled eggs. But.. they said to me, 'you don't have to speak, just listen and look for the similarities. Harder nuts said you have two ears and one mouth and you should listen twice as much as you talk" So I found just listening was ok, infact I have always found listening far more beneficial and truthfully, even if I could have spoken, there was nothing I could have told these folks that they didn't already know. When asked I just said my name's Mike and I am an alcoholic, and I would prefer to listen. That was fine. As time went by I was able to participate more and things got better and better. After a year or two I landed a job selling the best US built construction equipment and was in the top three salesmen 5 years running. I started this journey by listening and taking the steps, and everything else took care of itself.
Welcome. It'll get better and it'll get easier. The others have pretty much said it all, but it's important to know that we all walked in pretty messed up and the strangest things freaked us out at times. Your sponsor will understand and help you with it.
Dan...The first time I was called on to speak in a meeting I ignored the leader and looked at the floor. My sponsor who was sitting next to me said to the group "He's new." The leader called on someone else and the meeting continued.
For the next six months whenever I was called on in a meeting I would say "My name is Jerry. I am an alcoholic. Thank you for calling on me. I am going to pass today. "
After that I began to share but only said the things that the popular people said and that I thought would make me sound good to others in the meeting.
After about two years I began to share a little about how I felt and what was really going on with me.
Today, I sometimes still have fear about sharing openly in meetings and soemtimes don't share in depth but can openly add that I feel afraid to share. Sometimes when I share my voice is so soft that people sitting a few feet away cannot hear me clearly.
I enjoy working with other people in AA who have fear about speaking in meetings.
Welcome Dan! Nice to have you here with us. I had similiar feelings/experiences when I first came into the Halls. I found out they were normal and will improve in time. TIME= Things I Must Endure.
I remember before I got sober I had to give a toast as the best man at a friend's wedding, of course I was on liquid courage but was still terrified and did a poor job of delievering the few sentences. People at meetings don't want to put anyone on the spot or make anyone uncomfortable, they just try to get new people active in the process. I would suggest to do other things you might be comfortable with, like greet people at the door, make coffee, help clean up etc.
It's all just a growth experience, you grew today because even though you got anxiety, you dealt with it the right way, decided to talk about it and didn't drink.
AA has given me confidence over the years in speaking in front of others, has helped me in business, funerals, toasts etc. Saved me from having to spend money on a Toastmasters membership
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Keep at it Dan. I have replied to others on here with anxiety issues that the one thing that best treats anxiety is repeated exposure and response prevention (desensitization). Every time you back out of meetings you give both the anxiety and the addiction more power. Kudos for getting far enough to answer back to that disease.
If you give this more time, I guarantee you will not suffer with this level of anxiety in social situations forever. It is part residue from drug use, part due to isolation, and part legit anxiety mental illness....(probably). The only way all three of those things is going to get better is if you keep doing what you are doing.
Of course you are going to have some really uncomfortable moments in recovery and this one will not be the last. Do not give up! You grow and become more whole each time you get through one of these incidents and stay on course!
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hi Dan, as is stated on my speaker tape that I recently posted here, (it should be in the Story section at top of the board now) when I got here, I was terrified when I was called on to speak, give out the chips, read a opening or closing to the group.... it hit me so hard that I studdered and I've never studdered in my life!
Heck, when I was drinking, I was all about being "out there"... hitting on the girls, like a high school kid... not having any inhabitions at all...
Then I got sober...and I got ME... a basically shy, scared, introvert, who didn't know how to come out and play well with others. Felt inferior, inadequate, and a part from... on the outside looking in...
Stick around... AA and the fellowhip will not force anyone to do anything... but in time, the anxiety and sense of panic will subside and you'll be comfortable again... inside your own skin.
Thank you all for your replies. It is definitely nice to hear from others that have had similar experiences. I know in my heart of hearts that it does and will get better, however, that thought doesn't do me a whole lot of good when the situations do arise. I had a really good time at meetings this week and Christmas was great. Christmas would have been a far cry from great had I not been sober. I know how those ones go. And I guess that kind of sums up the whole idea for me. Life may not always be great, or the way I think it should be when I'm sober, but it definitely can be. When I'm not sober life sucks. I may not have to deal with the same anxieties and fears when I'm intoxicated, but being intoxicated creates a whole mess of things to fear that I simply can not feel. Sometimes I really have to think of the basics, like, no matter what, just don't pick up. Thanks again. -Dan
