last night i saw this movie about a guy who had lived with this woman, she had a baby, a boy, whom the guy thought was his...well he wasn't, she had fooled aroudn on him while they were living together, and needless to say, the *blood tests* didn't matter to this guy.....he adored the boy!!! took her to court and sued for joint custody and won!!!!!! it was an awsome movie..........and i CRIED!!!!!!
i sat there and i sobbed my heart out Bcuz "noone fought for me, when iwas little.....i was incested....beaten.....abused verbally.....torn to SHREDS.....and noone fought for me"
i cried to God this and i sobbed and *let the pain discharge* i held my stuffed froggie and just cried and in between sobs, i said "ok, i will fight for me......i will defend me.....i will get custody of me.......and if all i got is me and my God to fight for me than so be it.....but i am gonna fight for me"
i felt so sad, propped up in bed, all alone, crying because i didn't have anyone "fight for me" so with this program, i will FIGHT FOR ME!!!!!!!! i am tired from crying.....kind of spent!!! i had a HUGE wine cooler afterwards, and i am proud of me that i did not RUN to the wine and get a buzz on.....i allowed the feelings......did some self talk.....had ONE wine cooler....no abuse of alcohol...no running to the bottle to numb my pain.....i just *let er rip* i had the cooler, and turned out the lights and went to bed!!!!!!!! i am amazed that i had just the one, and no desire to get *medicated*....i faced it!!! i faced the pain!!!!!
today i am grateful that i can FEEL....that i CAN cry.....that i am going to/ desiring to/ SHALL "fight for me".........i faced my pain....didn't use alcohol to run from it/ self medicate it........i FELT......i can feel................thanks for listening!!!!!! hugs/ rosie
I am very likely going to piss you off and I really don't want to, but I cannot sit back and be quiet about this post. You mentioned in this post and in previous ones that you have been drinking wine coolers, but it's ok because you didn't self medicate or overdo it. This is a very dangerous road that you are traveling down. You are starting to count your drinks and be proud that you didn't overdo it, right? (Big Book PP 31)...Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home,...
My concern, Rosie, is that you are convincing yourself that you can drink if you can control it just a little. There is no self control, we only fool ourselves into thinking that we have it. You titled your post "a minor slip". Call it what it is, a relapse, and get back into recovery. You don't lose the knowledge you have gained, but I am really worried that you have convinced yourself that this is ok. If this is what you want to do...ok...I'll shut up...but there is so much more out there for you if you will truly work the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I'll close with one more excerpt of the Big Book...the one that hit me hard and convinced me that I needed to stay sober...pp 33 To be gravely affected, one does not necessarily have to drink a long time nor take the quantities some of us have. This is particularly true of women. Potential female alcoholics often turn into the real thing and are gone beyond recall in a few years.
cheri, i am not pissed...i don't get mad at other's esh....i would appreciate it if you had kept the focus on YOUR esh, not my inventory.....i don't need an ass chewing, i need esh and encouragement to keep working the program....i feel badly enough without help!!! ..
i KNOW i have a problem, i also know that i am *controlling*.....i have had a couple of slips since i hit the grief layers, and i know it!!!! otherwise i would NOT be honest about it and be working this program to get RID of the problem.........yes, i have had slips or relapses, and i am not going to beat me up over it..i am just going to keep working the program and not give up on me, i have a great desire to overcome my problems.....i put many hours in on this. meetings/ literature etc....and i DO desire to live a sober life... if i stick with it i will!!!
thank you for your share , even though i was just letting out my feelings, i do welcome ESH.....rosie
i feel bad enough, messing up, while i go through this grief, but i gotta feel safe here.......if somebody wants to "chew on my butt" for f***ing up, please give me the courtesy of doing it in private....... i would do the same!!!!! i messed up!!! a few times i messed up!!!!!! but i am NOT quitting!!!! i do believe i will work through my pain with hard work.....TODAY, i will *begin again*......thank U, rosie
I think the world of all of you here, so how to put this as diplomatically as possible?
To little ol' me, recovery from this disease pretty much entails abstinence. Yet, based on rosie's post of a "minor slip" with one wine cooler, my first reaction upon reading her words were, "Who am I to judge?" I'm just not going to go there, as I've discovered over the past six weeks that recovered alcoholics are about the most nonjudgmental folks I've ever come across. If someone just crawled out of the drunk tank and wants to attend a meeting and exhibit a willingness to stop drinking he/she is more than welcome to pull up a chair.
Do I see cheri's point of view? Heck, yes. This mindset is found everywhere in the Big Book, all AA publications, et al. I also know a sponsor who's been sober since 1984 who happens to enjoy a glass of wine each Friday evening with his meal--much to the consternation and gnashing of teeth of his AA group. But again, who the heck am I to judge, and if one glass of vino doesn't upset the apple cart do we perhaps understand and realize the Program is not a paradigm of absolutes? (Especially when we contemplate the presence of a Higher Power as we understand Him).
Anyway, that's my two cents. Rosie, I'm a tad concerned about the wine cooler, too, and cheri, I darn sure see where you're coming from, but I can't help but think of the old axioum, "different strokes for different folks." Big hugs to you all.
My apologies Rosie. I didn't think before I posted on the general board. I care about what happens or I wouldn't have responded at all. If it works for you than it works for you.
Thanks for the honesty Rosie. I am a triple winner also, I have spent many years in Al-anon rooms,read all the adult children literature, and have been sober for 20 years.I can't take a drink, not one, I've seen to many who did, and they never made it back to the program. But that's my experience.
The other post about our attraction to other alcoholics, I have been married to 3 alcoholics, if this marriage should end ,I pray I will not go out looking for an alcoholic, recovered or not.That's just how I feel.I understand alcoholics better than anyone else, I relate to them, they are the best people in the world (should say most,some are real jerks.)
You are right our experience , strength and hope is all we have to share. I am concerned just like Cheri and Mikel for you though, I don't see that anyone was taking your inventory. I am praying that the peace and serenity of these programs that you so deligently work would begin to take root. I had to let go and let God, I still feel all my feeling, sadness, fear, anger, but I have to do it sober. I choose to do it in a manner that's not destuctive to me.That's just my experience.
GAMMYROSE..........I am praying that the peace and serenity of these programs that you so deligently work would begin to take root. I had to let go and let God, I still feel all my feeling, sadness, fear, anger, but I have to do it sober.
ROSIE..........i know this is going to sound weird, but i am on the phone with my sponser, and i know in my heart, i am making progress.....maybe a bit odd, but i AM making progress....i have taken my hands off the perp and given him over to God......i have fallen in love with me...i take care of me....i accept me......i am drinking more water, eating better.....my outlook is better, but i am PERFECTLY IMPERFECT!!!!!! i DO know, and i am being honest, that i AM making progress!!!! my codependency is WAY more manageable.....i would know, i would know in my heart if i wasn't progressing.....and i expect to progress MORE!!!!!! i know me, the only other one to really really really know me are my sister and my sponser.....and they can't believe how much i have progressed....and they look forward to more!!!!!! i am totally honest in my posts. my sponser work, honest about it ALL!!!!!! i am the only one who knows me,.....and i do feel that AS i recover.....the relapses will go away on their own, because i have the DESIRE.....WILLINGNESS.......OPENESS, to a good way of life........thanks, gammyrose, i know you care and i appreciate it.......thank you cheri for apoligizing!!!! i was thinking of quitting this board, but i guess i'll stay......rosie
Rosie, I'm glad you have talked to your sponser and that you are staying on the board. I don't want you to quit, I really like reading your shares from the heart. And I know you are making progress, I remember where I came from, and how it felt and still feels at times.Progress not prefection.
hey ((gammyrose)) yeah, i had a long talk with my sponser and she said to me, that with my post traumatic stress syndrome, i get panic attacks and its awful!!!! ....... she asked me, "what did U do when you felt calmed down enough???" and i said that i had about 3/4 of the *cooler* drank and i felt better and than i poured the rest down the sink, went to bed, prayed and fell asleep.......i was crying quite a bit, and was pretty excited, adn it was *do one of my anti anxiety meds or drink a cooler* i did the latter, but what i FORGOT to mention to you all is that soon as i got calmed down???, i poured the rest down, i didn't WANT it, had NO desire to get drunk, i just wanted to calm down!!! soon as i did???? the crap went down the sink....i don't WANT to abuse alcohol again!!! that is running away from my feelings and pain...i want to get PAST this, and the only way i am going to is *work THROUGH IT*........i am not going to go into my personal talk with my sponser, but basically , she admonished me to not beat me up over it. that this stuff happens all the time (alkies takin a drink when they are in recovery) she reminded me of how far i have come and that my posts, and our talks reflect progress , consistent and good PROGRESS......thank God i am over the *perfection* crap...i would be *beating me up* and all.....i am not going there....i am just gonna keep on workin the program......the light ALWAYS overrides the darkness......and i KNOW i am of the light!!!!!!!! thanks for your honesty, gammyrose, i am gonna keep hanging in there.......i worked too damned hard to give up now!!!!!! hugs/ rosie
Rosie, I'm Still confused (nothing new) are you an alcoholic? Some of your posts I don't understand, as I asked before, you refer to overeating, being co-dependent (I think we all are), etc. I know too that alcohol and other "icks" go hand in hand, I have my own. BUt, on of your posts you said "mental addiction, not physical" regarding alcohol. I'd like to be able to understand better so maybe I can identify with your posts more.......... I'm open for learning all I can....
Doll
-- Edited by Doll at 19:13, 2005-11-08
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* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
its hard to explain, but with ME, and say ME......when life is treating me OK, and my anxiety is calmer, i could go out to a restaurant and sip a beer as i waited for my food, and soon as the food comes, i would tell the waitress to take the beer away, as i am wanting to eat and i don't want to drink anything but water with my food.....HOWEVER, when life is stressing me and my anxiety level is bad ( i have post trauma stress syndrome) its like *shell shock* or *combat shock* as my doc says.....anyway, during THOSE times, that i would abuse alcohol.........during my before recovery days, i abused alcohol, cause i suffered from so much pain/ anxiety/ rage, my nerves were shattered, and the alcohol helped me to feel calm and good, it supressed the demons inside of me that tormented me................now that i have been in recovery, i am changing....i have something to go to....12Steps, i have someONE to go to...sponser...i have program tools with which to deal with my coda/ acoa issues.........
i got into AA because i HAD abused alcohol badly....i did, it was my escaper tool.......i have an *ism* personality, i over ate to comfort the emptiness i felt, lonliness, i couldn't face or love me so i ate to comfort me..i live alone so noone to hold me to comfort me, so i ate!!!!! .....THAT has really improved since i improved my perspective on me....i don't hate me anymore...i love me now....so i don't need food to comfort me like i used to...instead i go to meetings/ sponser/ trusted other, i also pray/ meditate, Bcuz in the old days i had no God i believed in.....
i was a wreck....i should have been in inpatient care but somehow with this program i am working through my stuff.....one injury at a time....incest takes away everything a human being aspires to be..........it took away my hopes/ dreams/ aspirations/ trust/ love of my body/ belief in any God/my innocence.......it left me with rage and fear and everything dark....i wanted only to die!!!! now???? i want to live, and i mean LIVE, not just *cope* i want to FLOURISH....to THRIVE......i want the DIVINE plan of my life, not the plan of that degenerate!!!!! the way to it???? hours and hours and hours in this program......and it is changing me...it is giving me a sense of a purpose....i am gaining an identity....before??? i exhisted the way the perp said i exhisted, i only knew his way!!!!! NOW for the first time in my life, i have an identy....i have a *ME*.....i am not the abuse...the abuse is somethign evil that happened to me...like i say......"there is not something wrong with ME...but there IS something wrong with what happened to me"
i DECIDED to have blind faith in the fact that God is more powerful than the devil and he can restore me to sanity.......and he IS...piece by piece.....layer by layer....as *fast as i can handle it*....
i had to go *from the ground up* on my recovery......i am amazed at how i am healing, i have a ways to go, but i am NOwhere NEAR where i used to be.....
i really think my alcohol abuse stemmed from the God awful pain and emotions that weren't being discharged/ validated/ addressed, i had to do SOMETHING to numb the pain, other wise i would have cracked up probably.....
as i work through my pain, and REtrain my mind, my horrible negative belief patterns, i do not want to get drunk anymore.......life stresses still upset me, but i can deal with them better now bcuz it isn't a mountain of OLD pain trying to dislodge with the NEW pain.......
i hope this helps you understand me........as i get deeper into my recovery , my desire to *run to the bottle* has dramatically dropped.....
last nights action i know was a result of my crying out from MORE old pain, needing to surface and be taken care of....and i was just a ball of anxiety from it, so i downed the wine cooler to calm down!!!! i am sooo amazed, that even b4 i got through with it, i was able to, when i calmed down, to pour the unfinished amount in the sink
i still have an ism personality/ an addictive personality....i am a classic codependent, who drank so she wouldn't hurt so badly.....i guess that describes me......as i release my pain, one injury at a time, the numbing out is being replaced with *dealing with the emotions* rather than supressing them with the alcohol.......i stuffed myself on food because my life was so empty, so full of despair...i ate to feel nurtured and comforted!!!! i isolated/ fantasized to the extent i hated being in realilty...i would curl upin my bed and just dream of my *other/ happy life*.....i think i was even addicted to my rage......now i am willing to deal with my pain....i want to get past it....i will do anything i have to to be free of this....to *walk in victory* to ENJOY my walk with my HP, instead of *slogging* through life just enduring it.....i see better conditions already......i got into recovery in february , 15th ?? i think 2004.....and they say *the deeper the pain....the deeper the recovery*.......hell i look at me now and i cannot believe i am the same person.......
i have made amends to me and my inner child for all the verbal and physical abuse i did to me (hitting myself ).....i have a HP now....i have a power greater than i to help me.....i feel like i have a decent chance at a better future becuz i am putting good into my todays.....i am beginning to love me/ really love me/ accept me AS i am!!!!! my relationship with life has improved....i no longer think *life/ God are out to get me*....i am not the victim anymore....i set boundaries........my sponser told me i was growing by leaps and bounds........i know i am having to be in program for life......i was too messed up to risk EVER separating myself from the program......so i accept it....i accept what happened to me....i KNOW that i had no choice then, but i DO have choice now.......and i choose me/ recovery/ and a chance for a happy life.....i deserve it......i know to keep my emotional sobriety, i must work the program each day...
an athlete works out each day to *keep his muscles* ihave to *work out* too, with the program to keep what i have gained and WILL gain as i heal!!!!! i accept it will take time....and i also accept that i CAN enjoy the journey as i heal!!!!!!
i hope this explains me/sorry for the long post......it has been a very trying month or so, and i am tired, so its early to bed........... rosie
I, too, on MANY occasions thru the years have been able to "sip" a drink, depending on the situation around me, i.e. who I was with, what was going on, how hungry I was, etc. What makes me an alcoholic is, more times than not, one drink is too many and a 1000 aren't enough. Alcoholics drink at EVERYTHING, good, bad or indifferent.
I'm not taking your inventory nor am I ass chewing, my opinion only, if you're going to be on this board, I need you to share more about your ES&H with ALCOHOL.
Hugs,
Doll
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* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
I am extremely grateful that you feel comfortable enough to share your feelings and life with us. From my experience of recovery, I was insane. My purpose was to stay sober. I had a desire to quit drinking, so after my first treatment center, I went to meetings. The steps were laid out, and I got a sponsor. The thing that I know today, that I didn't know back then, was that my mind was not open enough to follow the directions that were laid out. I too, like you, started out with just 1/2 of a wine cooler. I was off and running in a very short time!
1-1/2 years later, it was worse. Afraid of death and prison, I went into my 3rd treatment center. This time, my mind was a little bit more open. My ( primary ) purpose was to stay sober. I had a lot of anger too. I was extremely self-centered and selfish as the Big Book talks about. I started working the first step and really was sure that I was powerless.
If you feel that you can drink like a normal person our hats are off to you. Go try some more controlled drinking. This is not my comment. It is out of our Big Book. There is no middle of the road solution. This also is out of the Big Book.
I am sure God has you in his hands. I don't believe that anyone is taking your inventory or jumping on you. I just believe that we love you, and want to spare you from a lot more pain that may be headed your way--If you truly are an alcoholic. In AA our PRIMARY purpose is to stay sober.
I was the greatest at rationalization and minimizing my behavior. This is what kept me so sick for a long time. I wish you the best. The suggestion is to study the Big Book, and see if you really are an alcoholic. If you are, there is a solution. We find it in the guide for life--our Big Book. May God bless you with peace and serenity.
