I came from an alcoholic family.My father was an alcoholic and most of my siblings, there were 7 of them, could be in the program.Other than that my life to me seemed normal.I didnt do well in school I had friends and was involved on sports.But there seemed to be something missing.For as long as I can remember I wanted to drink.My use history is not important they are all basically the same so I will minimize the time spent on it.The first time I was able to drink the way I wanted to I was 13. It was a party at my parents house.I felt as I fit in with my older brothers and their friends, life couldnt be better.I woke up the next morning so sick I didnt know if I would live, but the only thought I had was I cant wait to do that again.From that day on until I came into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that is exactly what I did.And I must say that after getting the taste it was easy to find.I also indulged in drugs anything and everything.If I could get high I would take it, but alcohol was always my favorite.As my use increased and there were consequences I began trying different thing things to control or prove I didnt have a problem, if only to myself.One of my cures was the geographical cure I didnt move far just across town but I didnt tell my friends where I was, it was their fault I drank like I did anyway. However after doing the same things only with people I didnt know, waking up to strangers passed out on my floor I decided I may as well drink with my friends.The geographical cure didnt work.I tried the controlled drinking.Go to a party and only have one or two.Great I did it now to go home and celebrate. I was a very bad boyfriend/fiancé.I slept with most of my girlfriends friends while engaged.
The first time I thought that I had a problem was in 1974.A friend and I took a couple bottles of my homemade wine a bag of pot and went to my parents cabin for the weekend.On a Saturday we started drinking at a bar leaving in the afternoon I fell down in the doorway and couldnt get up my friend couldnt help me up so the bartender picked me up and put me in my car.We proceeded to several other bars.Along about closing time I proposed to a waitress that I met that night, she agreed.I had it all figured out.She had 2 jobs and her dad had a place on the lake with all the toys.She could take car of me and I could stay drunk all the time, what a perfect plan.We went to the courthouse the next morning and filled out the paperwork.Had we been in a state that you didnt have to wait I would have been married.However after getting somewhat sober I did not want to get married.So I pulled the alcoholic trick sent her on her way told her I would meet her in the cities and never made the call.I thought that this only happens in the movies so I must have a problem.My solution was to buy a horse because then I would have something else to do besides drink.Well I found out you can get just as drunk riding a horse.My solution failed.It took me nearly another year to find my way into detox and treatment.I never got a DUI, they were hard to get in the 70s.I would get stopped for something so drunk or high that I could hardly stand and be told to take it easy go home and stay there.
As I had signed myself into detox I could have left at any time, I didnt know this and they didnt tell me.I stayed in this wonderful place for a week.Now detox then was not a pretty sight.There were no meds you walked around shaking puking and suffering.After a week I went to a treatment center it was a 2 week in and 2 week out.I was terrified to leave as I only knew one way to live on the streets.I had lost my apartment and most everything I owned, except the horse.I had had some money from an insurance settlement and a decent job for a while but nothing to show as I drank and used up all I ever had.They let me stay inpatient for another week then to a halfway house.
I will never forget my first AA meeting.It was the same as the first time was able to drink the way I wanted to drink; I found a place I belonged.I was in the fellowship. I had 2 sponsors, went to a minimum of 3 meetings a week and life was great. I stayed in the halfway house for 9 months; they finally suggested that I move on.I moved into a house with 2 other members of the program.Several months later I and one of the guys moved.It was away from where I had been I didnt find a new meeting and started to see my old friends, my roommate was doing the same.It wasnt long before I was acting the same as I had when I was using, I was the same person just dry, not sober dry.One night one of my old friends came in and gave me a fifth of whiskey, previously he had been telling me how good it was that I was clean as I had a problem.As the only thing missing was the drink I added it back in.But for the grace of God I only used for 2 weekends.The second weekend I woke up on a Sunday morning and I was sick, I never liked being sick.I was a daily drinker drink in the morning and you dont feel sick.My roommate had always kept beer in the house just in case one of his friends wanted a beer.That morning there was nothing in the house not a drop of alcohol or a roach in the ashtray.I suffered instead of going out.Had there been anything in the house I am sure I would not be alive today.I give all credit to my Higher Power that my house was clean that day.I am not sure of the exact date but I figured that by October 17, 1976 my system was clean so that is my dry date.I have not found it necessary to drink or use since then.
It took me some time but I got back to meetings lots of meetings and involvement in the program again.I have been able to enjoy life and take life on lifes terms.Not all days are good but through working this program going to meetings and reading my BB life is good.My program is rather simple show up every day and do the best I can, turn my life over to the care of God and trust the process.
There was a particularly difficult time when I was about 9 years sober.I was in a custody dispute with my ex-wife for my children.She accused me of sexually abusing them this was just before Christmas 1985.I knew I hadnt done this but someone had.I was angry with God as I had prayed for Him to keep them safe.I trashed my house in anger.I had had a very bad cough, coughed so hard I cracked a rib so the Dr. gave me some cough medicine with codeine I also had syringes in the house that I needed to give shots to animals I raised.There was a passing thought of how not to hurt so much.In a moment of clarity I dumped out the cough syrup.I have asthma and it was extremely bad that winter I couldnt work, I heated my house with wood but couldnt cut any wood.I had purchased the house from my parents on a contract for deed with $20,000 down money from another insurance settlement.Well I couldnt work so I couldnt make the payments.They took the house.Now I couldnt work, was living in one room of the house with a space heater and my dog, the dog got smart and finally ran away, could have no contact with my children.My Higher Power and AA friends helped me through the times.I lived 12 miles from town and would get rides to meetings.Friends would put me up for a few days on occasion, it is a very lonely existence that far from everyone living by yourself with no money.
But due to not being able to work because of the asthma I was given an opportunity to go to college and earn a degree.After nine months of not being able to have any contact with my kids I was able to prove that I had not harmed them and visitation started again.Life was new living in a city again, working at the university and seeing my kids.But when I would see my kids they were bruised and abused.I reported to social services and as the noose was closing on my ex-wife she fled with the kids.There was no trace of them I could not get any information.I knew she had been living with a drug dealer.Again I was angry with God.I cut off all communication, no prayer no meditation it was His fault.About 4 months of this and I came to my senses one night I got back down on my knees and prayed.I told God that I knew he could take better care of them than I ever could.The next morning my attorney called my kids had been found.Within a week I had full custody my ex was not allowed contact.
Sometimes it takes me a hard hit on the head to get through my thick alcoholic mind that God can do for me what I cannot do for myself.God does not punish me my defects cause me difficulties.Through my experiences I have learned to trust the process.My life hasnt always been easy but with God and the help of AA my life is always good.
My advice to all dont drink read the book and go to meetings.
