Hi, it's me again, the past few weeks my resentments towards my siblings has compounded. My mother is in a care home with Alzheimer's disease and my father/best friend passed away in September. I'm still looking for a place to live and none of my siblings have offered their home to me, not one word. I know I've done some damage in the past during my binge drinking but I have asked them for forgiveness which they claim they have. Now that I'm sober, I hear less from them or one of them nothing at all. She and I have never really gotten along, she used to pick on my brother when we were young and then she upset my father and now it's me and has been for quite some time. However, when I was hospitalized and near death due to a low and near fatal potassium level, my brother paid for me to stay in a hotel which I love him for and I am and was grateful. I may just have to go back to my home in Nevada which I really don't want to because of loneliness and the fact that I may start drinking again which I don't think I'll survive. I know I posted this similar topic the other day but the resentment issue is wearing me out. Please help me.
Aloha Jerry...recovery is about focusing on what is wrong with me and that was difficult to impossible when I was focusing on what is wrong with everyone else. I had tons of problems with resentment in early recovery and I hated feeling it. My then sponsor told me "if what you're doing is causing you trouble...do the opposite and get the opposite." I learned that the opposite of resentment is forgiveness which brings freedom and relaxation and the "they's" in my life, who they are, don't own my attitudes.
There is no law anywhere that says I gotta drink...this is one thought that kept me from ever drinking again. I was born and raised into the disease and came by the thought that I had no choice but to do it. It almost cost me my life. There is no law that says I gotta drink.
Stepchild offered some golden feedback...go find your BigBook and open it to page 64. Then meditate on it. ((((hugs))))
You had 12 years sober ... and now what, 30 days? ... Your siblings are confused and don't know what to think ... most of all they're probably thinking they can't 'trust' you or your word ... That kind of trust will take time to regain ... they see opening up their home to you as a big gamble ... they probably have experience in watching the distruction people like us are capable of ... So how can you resent them for a situation that you created? ...
There must be some good AA groups in Nevada ... check the Internet and have a plan in place before you go back to your house there ... hook up with your AA family there and then you can work on selling your house and then you'll be free to move wherever you wish ... I know it seems a little soon to be leaving the safety of your sponsor being close at hand, but man, you have 12 years of past sobriety to pull strength from ...
Whatever you wind up doing, take care and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Pray for that person and ask yourself if you'd want to trade places (in life permanently) with them. The answer to that question will be the basis of forgiveness.
I know I've done some damage in the past during my binge drinking but I have asked them for forgiveness which they claim they have. Now that I'm sober,
When we make amends in step 9 we do it in two ways verbally and physically. First we tell them we are sorry and we have changed the we show them we have changed by our actions. We didn't destroy relationships over night and we can't expect to rebuild them overnight it takes time. In my case my family didn't trust my verbal amends too much, why should they, because I had lied to them so many times. But in time by physically showing them I was a different person they came to believe that I had honestly changed and became a person they wanted as a part of their family.
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Tell me and I'll forget. Teach me and I'll remember. Involve me and I'll learn.
Boredom will not make you drink. Getting or not getting help from siblings will not make you drink. AA is there in Nevada just as it is in California. Stop listening to your disease.
Pursue recovery first. You are making recovery contingent upon getting financial help from siblings and geographics and that is going to take you out...not your siblings and not having to go back to Nevada for a period of time until you get some responsibilities taken care of.
This sounds harsh Geraldo, but it's not meant to be. Whenever I had strong resentments in the past, they always turned out to be all about me and I was the one that needed to do something different.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
This sounds harsh Geraldo, but it's not meant to be. Whenever I had strong resentments in the past, they always turned out to be all about me and I was the one that needed to do something different.
Mark
Doesn't sound harsh to me.....Sounds like Step four to me...
You sure are living up to your name's sake ... Your response had me rolling on the floor ...
Thanks for making my day ...
I think Jerry (Geraldo) needs to grow some B---s and make a decision to take action on his own self-induced situation ... I think it's called 'responsibilty' ... I know, .... like everybody else, it sound harsh, but dammit we need to think SOBER ..... Son Of a Bitch Everything's Real ... and the real solution is right at our feet ... all we need to do is pick it up and run with it ...
Love you guys, and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
You are all right with your responses. I am working on my step 4 and nearly done which I'll share with my sponsor. I needed to read your responses which opened my eyes and mind. You're right, how could they trust me after the things I have done, said, the damage etc. it hasn't been that long and I do need to prove/show them that I am a person in progress not perfection. My actions and words in time will prove my integrity once again just like when I was sober for 12 years. I'll open my Big Book and read page 64 as suggested. Thanks again everyone and I do take full responsibility for my past and damage. PS, I'm not expecting monitary help from my siblings, just love and understanding.
I read page 64 "Resentment is the "Number one" Offender. It destroys more alcholics than anything else. Spiritual disease etc. I'm glad you suggested I read that and I'm glad I did. Thanks again.
Now you sound more like someone thinking sober thoughts ... I am 'tickled to death' that you're accepting the responsibility for your own personal growth ... I really do have you in my prayers and I hope you stay on the right path ...
Hey, It took a lot of guts to post what you did, I'm impressed ... humility isn't a lot of fun is it?
Take Care and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Yeah...I can't stress enough how important prayer is with that step. You make your decision in step three...You put him to work in step 4....Look how many times he mentions this in the directions for that step...
Page 67 ...Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done." We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do,...
Page 68 Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.
Page 68 We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear.
Page 69 ...In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test - was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed. Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to...
Page 69 In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.
Page 69-70 God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge.
Page 70 To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing.
Page 70-71 In this book you read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves. We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him. If you have already made a decision, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, you have made a good beginning. That being so you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself.
If you want to thoroughly follow the path...Start praying...You can never pray too much.
-- Edited by Stepchild on Thursday 1st of December 2011 05:36:43 PM
Morning you guys, thanks for the kind words Pappy, for a bit there I thought you were very disappointed in me for what I posted etc. Quite honestly and even though you don't know me or I you, it bothered me but I feel better now thanks to what you wrote today. I'm trying my hardest to learn, I open my mind and ears to what I hear in each meeting, what you guys share and what my sponsor shares. One day at a time. And Stepchild, thank you for those quotes, I read every one of them and I liked this one a lot.
Page 69 In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.
I pray every morning and night, sometimes even during the day for strength, knowledge and acceptance.
You sound more like a person taking recovery seriously, every day ... don't get so caught up in other matters that you forget or don't have time for meetings ... meetings whether good or not so good are vital to our recovery efforts ... Way to go man ... keep it up ...
God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Expectations are the root of resentment. When i read this and began to apply it to my life I found i had nearly no resentments. You are putting expectations on your siblings. I have a step son, one of us but not yet in recovery, that is full of promises. I would believe him than when he didn't follow through resentment. When I quit expecting anything of him he couldn't let me down thus no resentment. It wasn't him I knew his behavior it was me putting an expectation on him. This no expectations works for all not just him if I don't place expectations I don't plant the seeds for resentment.
No matter where yo go you will be with yourself. You can stay clean or not anywhere. BB Pg 101 "Greenland Ice Cap and even there an Eskimo might show up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything!"
