If I were given a change of life, I'd like to see how it would
be to live as a mere six footer......Wilt Chamberlain
In childhood many of us dreamed of being somebody else, anybody but who we are. As time went on, and we lost touch with our feelings, we also lost who we were. We hung in limbo, not being who we were intended to be and unable to be anyone else.
#####ROSIE...oh yeah, i was the actor that won the oscar!!! i was the u.s.open tennis champ.....i was HAPPY!!! loved!!! out of the hell hole i was really in and in my *other life*.... i couldn't stand being me, for where i was at!!!! so maybe back then it wasn't necessarily me, i rejected, but it was my LIFE!!!! my *where i was.....whom i was living with*......later, when the incest began, it was ME i wanted to disown and be someone ELSE.....ANYone was an improvement over me, in those days......finally i did lose touch with my feelings....with my *who i am*....i lost the *i am* of me.....i was breathing/ functioning, at the basic level, but living???? growing??? NOT a chance....that would't happen until recovery......i was in limbo too.....i couldn't be the *dream girl* i was....and i couldn't be ME...Bcuz i did not have any sense of me......
We long to be like those we refer to as "normal" people, the ones who had it good as a kid, and whose lives we imagined were perfect, with no doubts or fears, perpetually happy.
As we heal we discover that the people we have idealized are not perfect nor problem-free. We stop dividing people into camps and accept that we are all members of the human race, and that life is not always justToday, I will not compare myself with anyone else...........from Gentle Reminders - Daily Affirmations for Co-Dependents by Mitzi Chandler.
######ROSIE....i wanted to be happy/ normal....i wanted to have a happy family....a nice daddy who loved me....a sober mom who adored me......i envied my friends/ my cousins....i was eaten with envy!!! why them and not me???? why was i cursed with the s*** i was??? not that i EVER wanted my hell visited on anyone else....i just wanted OUT...first out of that life....than out of life itself......looking back, my suicide attempts were not to get rid of me so much as that i thought that was the ONLY way i was going to get the devil off my back, and feel safe!!!!! dying was my only way to feel safe......nothing less would work in my sick mind......i just hated where i was...who i was.....my situation......that is when i created my dream world....the one i could *go away to* when i was alone in my room......i had my *other, happy life* to which i could escape......now i look back and i realize that it is over!!!!! TODAY is a new day.....i can look at my cousins whom i envied and i see they had their problems too.....ok!! maybe not as horrifying as mine, but now???? i don't compare me with anyone.....ok, i had a sucky/ horrible childhood...and i cannot give my self back my childhood, but i can *begin again* TODAY.....make my TODAY's good so my tomorows have a chance.......my life, how ever long i am here on this earth, is so short compared to my eternal life.....so i am working through the karma, working through the pain, knowing that this life is so short.....when it is my time to *go home* , i will have worked through this karma and will go home a *hero*!!!! envying/ comparing myself to others, takes that time away from me!!!!!! i want to focus on me!!!! i want to spend what time i have left taking care of/ loving/ me so i CAN have a better future.....the past is GONE!!! the present is now!!!! thats all i have!!!! so i shall deposit TODAY into my *tomorow bank* and what i do think and say TODAY, makes my tomorow, if i am even here!!!!!!! now i accept me AS i am.....i no longer try to be anyone else.....i am ok, being me.....thank you DONE
Rosie, I'm so glad you are here. I'm glad that like mine, your suicide attempts failed, too. I can relate to wanting to be someone else, but as I've said before God told me I was the one He picked to live that childhood and I did the best I could.In fact I think He is proud of me for making it this far.Your Higher Power must be proud of you too.
Somedays I wonder if I'm where I'm suppose to be, then He reminds me I'm in His will , so yes, I'm exactly where He wants me.And today, it does feel wonderful to live in my skin, even with the scleroderma and other health issues involved, because it is a mind thing and a healing from within.
Thanks for your heart shares, they really make me think. have a great evening.
