Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise. --Sigmund Freud
The truth is our friend. It is a rough and humble kind of friend--but a friend nonetheless. Each of us will need to learn to spend time with this friend because it is one that is not easy to escape. It is always turning up when we least expect it. The truth about ourselves is hard to avoid. It seems to knock at our door until we let it in.
3#######ROSIE.....oh yeah, in my early days up to and even IN recovery....i got lied to....broken promises by the barrel full....stroked more times than a cheshire cat.... i got BS'd by the best......all lies......all adding to my inability to trust....each time i would try, i would be disappointed....so many times, that i was **shocked* when someone DID honour their word to me.....that is why, now, i am so strict about *actions matching the words* if they dont???? i am gone.......the truth about me knocks on my door each day and i swimg the door wide open.....i really don't care how much it hurts, Bcuz i know it is the ONLY way i am going to heal........TOTAL , unadulterated, HONESTY.....i think there is not one mental disease that can't be fixed whe total honesty is applied!!!!! i was more messed up than "hogan's goat" when i came here....i was a walking disaster, mentally AND emotionally....But, because i was WILLING and ready to be COMPLETELY honest about me/ my shares, my fears/ my pain/ my grief/ my outrage, i mean i let it ALL hang out.......i truly believe that is why i am progressing along as well as i am........you KNOW this hurts me each time, having to *air my dirty laundry* for the cyber world to see!!!!!! i bleed each time i have to show my injured pieces......but i will do it...i will do ANYthing i have to do to heal!!! its simple as that!!!! i am hungry to heal!!!! like a bear comming out of hibernation in april, i devour this program.....STUFF myself with the literature/ slogans/ meets/ sharing on boards.....confessing to my sponser.......i do it becuse i know the "truth shall and IS setting me free" i think the biggest thing for me, was the day i went to court to finish my name change.....and my lawyer, asked me before the judge/ God/ all to hear "WHY, R U asking this court to grant you this name change???" and i told them....i said it clearly/ no hesitating.....i told the TRUTH!!! that i did NOT want o bear the name of my rapist!!!!!! i wanted a CLEAN name!!!!!! my willlingness to be honest, even to the point of going to Court to free me/ heal me has paid off.....hurt??? you bet!!!! my court papers ....my name change certificate has *item #6* that folks are gonna see when legal issues come up and i have to produce proof of my name being changed........*item 6* is my "petitioner asks for name change because father was a serial child molester and petitioner wants to disassociate from his name and his connection to her"..............its there........oh i got attacked BIG time from my oldest brother......he attacked me for *telling the truth so i could be free* and you know what????? i don't care!!!! i am NOT responsible for his feelings and desires to love his *degenerate daddy* that is his inventory.......all i know is the truth is setting me free........so yeah, truth has been my pal....painful at times, but oh so necessary..........
Perhaps we have played the game of hide and seek sometime in our lives. Sometimes we tell little lies about ourselves to impress others, or we act in ways that, deep down, we know are not really the way we want to be. We can never be comfortable this way. We know what it is like to hide and try to keep from being found. The truth about us is an expert player. It seeks us out until we put our arms around it and welcome it....Is there something I am hiding from today?
######ROSIE....yeah, i did this.....i felt like that was the only way i would be accepted......being something i was not......compromising my beliefs to be accepted, avoidence of abandonment....it was all DIShonesty......no matter how i sliced it, it was dishonesty.....it saddens me to think, of me, an *inheritantly* honest person, could be so *phoney baloney* to be loved.....i didn't think folks would love me otherwise......the perp had me convinced that i was TOTALLY unloveable/ unacceptable!!!!!! he lied!!!!! and i lied by not being the real me for SO long, in my desperate and tragic craving for love/affection/acceptance........it makes me sad to even write this......i was sure that if they *discovered my dirty secret* they would shun me!!!! when i crawled on my knees into recovery i was ready to get rid of all that and find me/ fall in love with me/ but first!! i had to figure out *WHO I WAS*.......i am, i am doing that.....the truth IS setting me free!!!!! thank you DONE
Thats quite a post Rosie.:) Compromising ourselves to please others--did a lot of that stuff. So much so-that I didnt know who the "H" I even was, and thats in sobriety.
Whipped, and controlled completely.
Today, I try to give of myself fully, with honesty, and openess, and love.(not perfect at it)..and scare people away.
Man!! Theres gotta be a balance there somewhere. Im still looking for it.
Maybe, Im just not associating with the right people.
I seem to be drawn to those that are lugging a whole truck load of paranoia, mistrust, and pain, behind them.
And the questions that arise are "Whats he want from me?'
Jee sus. ohhh welll...my thoughts You have a great day.
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
