I've just returned from a retreat, three days and two nights with NO radio, NO television, NO internet, NO newspapers, NO phone signal and nuthin' to do but get to the bottom of things. I've been home nearly three hours and STILL haven't put the radio on.

The theme was forgiveness and I learned such a lot, so much I want to share it.

What is forgiveness? There's a three line test here. Forgiveness frees the forgiven from the ties that bind them to their guilt, their shame, their fear and to the forgiver. It frees them from any real or imagined obligation to the forgiver.

The forgiver must be ready, willing and able to do three things. Free the forgiven from all ties, give up any right or want to punishment, give up any right or want to compensation.

it seems to me that if the forgiver cannot or will not do all three, then forgiveness is false, a lie. Similarly for the forgiven, if the forgiven does not receive all three above, they haven't really been forgiven, they've been manipulated.

Sometimes forgiveness cannot be offered until after punishment and / or compensation.  But when forgiveness is freely given, then the past is the past. The forgiver and the forgiven may not take any further part in each others lives going forward, but the past is the past.

Self Forgiving. The three line test applies. The ties that bind are the ties that keep one living in guilt, in fear, in shame, in obligation, in isolation. The Punsihment is allowing oneself to take the burden of another's resentment and for an alcoholic, the Compensation may be as simple as portraying oneself as the victim, or keeping a banker excuse to take another drink.

Self forgiving means putting the past behind you, paying the compensation, taking the punishment and knowing when to STOP. Knowing that you are at heart a GOOD MAN who has done BAD THINGS and knowing that provided you stay in fit spiritual condition that there is no reason, nor any excuse to repeat the behaviours of the past.

Having spent time at this retreat, having spoken honestly and candidly with Father Justin, having heard that a willingness to forgive is enough to start from, I feel like I've turned a page in the book of my life. I feel I have paid enough compensation to my self, I feel I have punished myself enough, I feel I have broken the ties that bound me to my past, I feel I have forgiven myself.

But now the forgiveness of others: I would seek the forgiveness of others, but what holds me back? Fear that the forgiveness may not be granted! Fear that the forgivee may not feel that I have been punished enough, fear that the forgivee may want more compensation, but unless I ask I'll never know.

I have forgiven my wife, my son and my daugher for their hurts and harms of me. In turn I will ask their forgiveness of me for the hurts, the harms and the offences of the past that I caused them.

Finally a story, whether it is true or whether it is fantasy means naught.

A gathering of priests old and young were attending a symposium on death, all had sat at the bedside of a dying man, often more than once, sometimes in the hundreds. All were asked to list the top three last words of the dying man to his family.

They were - I'm sorry for what I've done.

                  Please, forgive me

                  I love you.

Taken together, I believe this to be the essence of asking for forgiveness. Perhaps we should not wait for our dying breath to say these words and to mean them from the heart.

So, well before my last breath, I say here to all I have offended, or hurt, or harmed on this forum and this is just a start,

I'm sorry for what I've done to harm you, please, forgive me, I love you.