I would like to ask all of you to say a little prayer for me if you are willing. I'm not doing so well right now (but not so poorly that I would drink). Wednesday, my sponsor fired me and I didn't really see it coming. For my part, I demonstrated some very very poor judgment last Saturday in bringing up a suggestion at the wrong time. It ended with me being just a little hurt and confused but not terribly so. On Monday, when we talked, she said "I'm pi--ed because you're pi--ed" (even though I wasn't - I was hurt if anything). She's always told me that if you get angry you need to let it go right away so my response to her saying this was "Well, what are you going to do about it?" She said she wasn't going to do anything right now but the conversation is over. I went home. She's the sponsor so I was willing to talk Monday but personally I didn't think it was a good time to, as her emotions were running high from something that happened earlier involving her daughter. She seemed pretty defensive when we spoke (at one point I was afraid she was going to hit me!). I would probably be upset with someone like me too though.
On Wednesday before our home group meeting, we sat down to talk and she said she couldn't sponsor me anymore, that between what happened Saturday and then on Monday, she didn't have what it takes to sponsor someone like me. I made amends for everything that happened those 2 days because I did come to see that I was so wrong to bring up what I did - it was a selfish motive behind it. I just didn't think this situation would lead her to fire me, but now it's happened and I'm struggling to stay out of morbid reflection. I've been crying on and off for the last 2 days, and feel like a failure because overall, this woman was someone I already had and could continue to learn a lot from. I really wish she would give me another chance but I can't expect that and need to respect her decision.
Going to another meeting tonight that we both go to (I'm the treasurer right now) and I feel a little nervous. Prayer has been very helpful, along with trying my best to turn it over to God when I start thinking again about what happened. Still, I feel lost -- I know this is one of the times when I need God and the fellowship the most.
Thanks everyone for "listening" and for your prayers.
Lots of AA love,
Lisa.
-- Edited by carpetslippers on Friday 28th of October 2011 04:02:46 PM
Everything happens for a reason. If you learn from this experience then your ahead of the game. Just keep moving forward and let your HP guide you. Prayers.
Everything happens for a reason. If you learn from this experience then your ahead of the game. Just keep moving forward and let your HP guide you. Prayers.
Amen Susie...Keep searching "CS", you'll find another sponsor soon. You can use this forum as your primary support network just in case or until you find adequate support elsewhere. And do so, for as long as you need us. Whatever you choose to do "CS", I suggest you make sobriety a priority today regardless and reach out when you can. And never abandon your desire for a better life, because it will get better...we promise. So until then, stay close to "AA" and this forum and never give up hope. We won't, either should you.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Friday 28th of October 2011 11:57:19 PM
Aloha Lisa...and prayers of course...The dynamics of Personalities over Principles are sooo humorus for me now that I can laugh at myself and the situations I've gotten into alone and with other alcoholics. I've never been fired but I have been reprimanded before in and out of meetings...however I had come to the realization that I was really loved unconditionally so others can get pissed at what I do and still love who I am and I learned to do that also. Allow it...let it be and love anyways is how I have learned it. I don't piss others off on purpose and I am not responsible for all of their pissed offness (?). As you mentioned she has daughter issues?
My alcoholism counselor called it "giving grace" or "using margin" with and to others and I figured "okay I can do that rather than bashing everyone around me when I was fearful and/or angry".
I got prayers and you should get prayers also. You got them. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 29th of October 2011 09:21:51 AM
hmmmm ! prayers and thoughts forth coming! One thing for sure "im glad God never fired me" and I do feel God had many opportunities..Keep listening for a sponsor and like David said,most importantly you are responsible for your recovery, Don't pick up and more will be revealed. In all situatiions see if there is a lesson to be learned..Free yourself from any resentments that may keep you locked and loaded..No one human works a perfect program and we will all stumble now and again,but with spiritual principles applied in actions and thoughts of our lives, guided by our Higher Power,we move forward in progress,never perfection.Pray for your sponsor as she is another person working her own program and may also be struggling.Sponsorship doesnt put us on a level of difference from any other individual.No big I's or little U's,we reach out one helping another in a loving and caring manner to he best of our ability..Sometimes even the best of our abilities hits the struggle zone, there is ONE who doesnt need a sponsor,get close as you can..:)...peace...
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Prayers to you CS and thanks for asking! I think all this would be better if you were to just throw a brick through her window. Just kidding of course. Peace my sister. She is probably going through a tough time and none of the problems are more than likely because of you. Remember, she is a drunk like all of us and we do have our ups and downs. Press on and I will also say a prayer for her at this time. I find it helps me to pray for people who piss me off because it helps me understand them better.
Hang in there!
Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
One of the first things my sponsor drummed into me was that people have feet of clay - including and probably particularly sponsors! He was trying to prepare me not only for the times people would let me down, which they always will, but also for the time of their passing which is also inevitable. He took me through the steps and introduced me to the God of my understanding and taught me that this is where my dependence must be, not on him and horror of horrors, not even on AA. (Read 12+12 3rd trad for example) I am sometimes given cause for concern at the apparently unhealthy long term dependence some AAs have these days on their sponsors, and how some sponsors seem to exercise control rather than give guidance. I know people who wouldn't change their socks without asking their sponsor, who won't develop their own understanding of the traditions by reading the literature, who not only rely on their sponsor to teach them how to think but also to tell them what to think. Recently one of the dynastic sponsors passed away and it was chaotic forma while. All these folks running about like headless chickens wondering how they would cope without a sponsor to tell them what to do. I am not talking about newcomers, some of these folks had many years sobriety. In my own experience, my sponsor did his job which took three or four years and told me when it was finished. He then became my very good friend until his death a few years back, and I have always had AA friends with whom I can be completely honest, and continue to practice the steps. I have been through times of joy and sadness in life through the intervening years, lived in different places. My God, and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous are what created the life I live today. My sponsor played his part, setting me on the road, and for that I will be forever grateful. But I have never felt that sponsorship at that level needs to be a permanent thing, nor have I read it in the Big Book.
So my prayer for you, Carpetslippers, is that your faith grows like mine to the point that you know in your heart that no matter what anyone does, no matter what befalls you in this world, that it will be alright. That God has a plan for you and it will work out fine, and that something good always comes out of the blackest situations. And if you ask for guidance and help, it is always forthcoming and the more you try and get your will in line with God's, the happier you will be. That's how it is for me.
Trust God, Clean House, Help Others.
God bless, MikeH.
-- Edited by Fyne Spirit on Sunday 30th of October 2011 04:57:44 AM
THANK YOU SO MUCH to each and every one of you who have replied to my post. Your response is overwhelming. Most of all, many of you have provided me the assurance that this too shall pass, and for that I am very deeply grateful!
Mr_David - thank you for welcoming me so warmly to the forum and for encouraging me to reach out to my cyber AA family. I will definitely do that when the need arises ...
Jerry F - ALOHA TO YOU! It means a lot to hear the term unconditional love, and to consider the Principles over Personalities Tradition ... I have a long way to go in accepting that others love me for who I am vs. what I do, but I know I'm on the right road. I do believe that some degree of her reaction to me was over-reaction and due to the unfolding drama with her daughter, yet it does little to help me. Now it's more a matter of what would God as I understand him want me to do next, rather than what happened and why (although it's tempting to re-hash the situation again in my head - terrible neighborhood to be in!). Thank you for reminding me that not all of this is surely my fault.
Mike - I hear what you are saying and yes, I have been praying for her, and her family ... it's hard for me to have a resentment when I really do care, and I'm willing to include her in my prayers :)
turninggrey - if I only had a brick! Ha ha ... I could never do it, least of all to this woman honestly - but it is fun to let a devious thought like that cross my mind but once only! :) YES, I am praying, and although I haven't seen her but once since this happened, I have a feeling that things are settling, at least between us things seem to be all right. The meeting I mentioned in my 1st post, all went well there. I did ask her if we could talk again (not necessarily about sponsorship but about other things going on that arose because we were sponsor/sponsee) and she agreed we can. Either by phone or in person I'm hoping within the next few days we will.
Fyne - you have said sooo much, and 100% I agree!! I too know people who would rather walk through fire than refrain from asking their sponsor if they should avoid buttering their toast (coincidentally, one of said people can't understand why I'm not in panic mode with her over my lack of sponsorship for the last 4 days ... "HOW have you been doing it??"). The right person will come into my path if I continue praying on it and things will happen as they are supposed to. I would agree with you that at some point, I will need a sponsor much less than I did in my early days but right now, somewhere in between, I think some guidance would be especially useful given where I'm at in life. All of your kind words and suggestions have been very touching ... I am so glad you contributed :)
Again thank you to all of you -- I can't express in words how much it means to have all of your love and support! With this forum, even at home, I don't have to be alone. And that's the only guarantee AA ever offered me, yet it's more than enough. I will keep in touch and may God (as you understand him of course) bless each of you as we trudge this road together!
