New to here and so ashamed of myself

Loira · Member

New to here and so ashamed of myself

SteveP · MIP Old Timer

First thing first: welcome. You don't have to drink anymore.

As someone said to me when I feeling as you did, "it's a disease, not a shame." Every single one of us has felt the way that you do. Every single one of us.

Call AA where you live, and get to some meetings. Get some phone numbers of sober women in those meetings. If you don't like a meeting, try another. Keep coming back here. Just don't take that first drink. AA works, if you work it. If you work it, your life will be better beyond all recognition.

For example, I just heard and AA speaker at a meeting tonite say that that they took their last drink in 1991. That person started going to AA meetings, started working the AA program (don't worry, you'll find out about that) and kept coming back. :)

Steve

topetah · Newbie

hello loira. i am new myself. much like you i always blacked out and put my drink ahead of everyone else. that included my son. i have many storys just like you. you really cant beat your self up. that never worked for me. i would always feel shame embarassement and guilt. that would eat away at my soul and soon enough i would get drunk to try and forget but to find myself doing the same stupid shit over and over again. i know its hard believe you me. but you need to forget about the past and make a new change today. its hard to forgive yourself for the neglect you have done. we all know what this feels like. dont think about man... im never going to be able to drink again. just try and stay sober today. each day it will get better. sometimes worse i wont lie. but thats when you reach out like you did here and ask for some help. i would love to help you, we can help eachother. we all need help. for me being a man i felt i was somewhat of a weak person asking for help. but thats just my big ass ego. im not affraid n e more. because i want to stop drinking and live a better life. i hope the best for you and thanks for sharing.

jason, kansas

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Hey Loria,
You are not alone! That is a real piece of good news. Please zip around in this book:

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

Go to the stories and see if you see yourself in any. Then go to "How it works". Come back and ask questions. You can be happy again. You can be a non ashamed parent. It takes a bit of work and focus, but this program will support you.

Don't be ashamed. You have a disease much like cancer or any other disease. It requires attention like any other disease. AA can be the prescription. Let us know what your questions are.

Prayers to you and yours!

Tom

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Welcome. We do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. This means that you dont want to be that person any more, but it took that to open your eyes and get you to start in recovery. So, here is where it all changes...a day at a time.

Mark

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hello Loria, and welcome to the board. I wish I had a dollar for everytime I passed out or blacked out, I could retire. Your story is a typical garden variety drunk story. The good news is that if you put half as much effort into getting sober as you did being a drunk, you'll get this simple program. It's just a matter of following in the path that others took to get sober and the results are guaranteed if you follow the steps.

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

Welcome. Good News: You never have to drink again. Bad News: We're your new best friends.

Peace,
Rob

Loira · Member

Thanks everyone for your support. I have done AA meetings in the past and met some strong people. Unfortunately, at one meeting I met someone who I thought deserved a second chance and he murdered his wife, a good friend of mine from rehab, and I now find it difficult to go to AA meetings. My rehab tells me this is the drunk looking for an excuse and it probably is as he is behind bars now but I have a real issue with trust now, another drunk problem. God, and I know there is a HP, means me to be a better person. A lovely friend of mine has entrusted me with the care of her daughter this afternoon and I think she is doing this as character building for me as she tells me, you have been through so much and it is all right to throw my toys out of the pram and have a damn decent cry just don't drink at the same time. I have spent today realising what a mess I have become missing work and making excuses. I will probably wallow for the next few hours while I ensure the children are happy. I have not picked up today and this is a positive for me. What's that song, Life is like a highway... I can see the road signs in my life, I can see the things that make me drink, why can't I take the detour option? One of my rehab councillors (sp?) told me, if she would employ anyone it would a reformed addict because if we could put the effort into work that we do losing it, we would be the best workers on the planet. Now to find the strength and stay in the moment, one day at a time. God, rereading this, it sounds like I'm still drinking which I'm not, today is day 1, it's trying to put the shame out there and get it off my shoulder. Thanks for reading and e-listening.

Loira · Member

Oops, I should let you guys know I live in Christchurch, New Zealand and each day I realise how lucky we were in February unlike others, Japan and Turkey, for example. A good friend of mine has given me a real heart-to-heart today and I've realised that I'm out of luck and time with some friends and work. Not the end of the world, maybe a time for a total rebalance, maybe? I am so tired emotionally and physically We all go through disasters and we all cope but some times people don't realise that us copers need somebody to lean on. My husband collapsed paralysed in january and will never walk again. We have had a bitter relationship for several years but this year I feel that I have to step up to help him. We have two children, Master 14 and Miss 9. We had the quake in February and aftershocks for ever afterwards it seems. I lent a friend my husband's car and she racked up debts on the car with the collectors, life is like a downward vortex. Yesterday I think was my wake up call and I need to stay sober and serious while enjoying life. Roll on 2012! It can only get better.

Mr_David · MIP Old Timer

Welcome Loira to "MIP". You're one step away from becoming the next miracle, and it all started for me 10 years ago via "AA". Your's can too...starting today. Welcome...

-- Edited by Mr_David on Friday 28th of October 2011 04:22:55 AM

Loira · Member

Thank you for the welcome.

I have made it through today sober. Day 1 and counting!

Now time for bed and some much needed real (sober) sleep!

Frodo · MIP Old Timer

Welcome. There is no shame in being alcoholic. The shame is not doing anything about it. We've all been there and done that so understand that you are among friends.

Loira · Member

Thanks Frodo.

Did say I was going to bed but there appears to be a party going on in our street, so all a bit noisy.

My darling children are sleeping through it but it seems to have me on edge possibly due to my first day clean.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

If you stay sober just long enough, a miracle will happen. You will start to see through this cloud of regrets and self-pity. You will not have to pick yourself up to do things. You will realize that the best way to live is to try and enjoy each day for what it is and that the best thing you can do for others is just be yourself and enjoy your relationships. Even in hearing you discuss being with the kids, you are talking about making sure they are ok while you go off and feel sorry for yourself. This is the type of self-bondage that keeps you totally locked and imprisoned by alcoholism even when you are not drinking. The steps and the program will free you from this if you work for it.

Mark

Loira · Member

Thanks Mark, your comments about the self-bondage are so true having been fallen off the wagon so many times. I totally wiped myself out on Thursday and felt very frail yesterday. Hence my discovering here. Today is day 2 and a very busy day here at home. The children have paper rounds to do which I will go out with them for the exercise and the fun chats we have. I have a mountain of washing that my son returned home from camp with and the day is not too fine here in our broken city. I will just keep it in the moment and not let my day become out of control. I will adopt my how to eat an elephant approach - one bite at a time and prioritise what needs to be done. I want it all done but my wants are what usually plunge me into a downward drinking spiral so I suppose by recognising this I am better equipped to start my recovery journey.

Loira · Member

Day 2 has been achieved. It's an early night in this house tonight. Fireworks party upset my sleep last night so have been feeling a shadow of my former self. So will look after myself and children and all be tucked in early tonight. Busy day tomorrow but it is all out of the house so should keep me distracted from my distractions. Take care and good night all, kia kaha.

Frodo · MIP Old Timer

Just one day at a time and easy does it. Break it down to one hour or even one minute at a time if one day is too daunting at times.

Loira · Member

Thanks frodo. I understand that one. I used to get too far ahead of myself then pick up to allegedly help me think it through only to fall in a messy heap. I have mapped out tomorrow in my diary with 30 minutes between everything to allow time to smell the roses or else I'll be pushing them up. Haven't made it to bed yet as there are some party types on the street and the noise is quite loud and I'm finding it difficult to settle. Oh well, the benefits of hot milky Milo and mindless TV should start to help me wind down.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

I hope you get time to go to meetings and find a sponsor Loira. It was impossible for me to quit without massive AA intervention :)

carlasober · Senior Member

Welcome Keep Coming Back!