"Ongoing recovery is dependent on our relationship with a loving God who cares for us and will do for us what we find impossible to do for ourselves."Basic Text, p.96Working the Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymous gives us a fresh start in life and some guidance for living in the world. But the steps are more than a fresh start. When we do our best to work the steps, we develop a relationship with our personal Higher Power.
#####ROSIE....in all my relationships, my relationship with me and God have been the most dysfunctional.....my upbringing totally sabotaged any chance back than of my having a relationship with me/ God that would be healthy....i don't know whom i hated the worst!!! God or me...but i know i hated both...i wanted to destroy me/ and i wanted to see God get fired!!!! i didn't think either of us was worth anything......it is sad to confess this, but it is a PAST thought.....yes, i know i have trust issues with God, but i no longer blame him/her/it for the abuse i suffered....i know my perp had a CHOICE....same as me CHOICE to embrace the light or the darkness....God has to allow us to CHOOSE!!!! he cannot interfer!! thats the universal contract !!!! so i no longer blame God for my horror...it was done to me by a man (i say that word in sarcasm) who had a choice!!!! i also had a choice!!! wallow in the darkness that he put upon me. or get out of it!!! break out with the 12Steps and my WILLINGNESS to embrace a higher power......the process has been slow, almost impossible, but i just refuse to give up!! i almost did a few times.....* thought i was too screwed up to fix* but something inside of me wouldn't let me give up on me (HP??? most likely)......i think the dearly departed on the other side WANT us to make it!!! the angels and saints jump for joy at each of our triumphs....and they pray for us too, i do belive that!!!!! so with my *cheerleaders* in full force, i CANT give up on me.........i am doing my best, and that will carry me....being WILLING is enough!!! the universe can work on me just for that!!!!! all i had to do was to say OUTloud!!! "i am willing!! i am open!!! i want to change!!! i crave change for the better even more than alcohol/ food/ other addictions".....i see it working for me....i just have to "get out of the way and let my inner source do its work"
In the Third Step, we decide to allow a loving God to influence our lives. Much of the courage, trust, and willingness we need to continue through the succeeding steps comes from this decision. In the Seventh Step, we go even further by asking this Higher Power to change our lives. The Eleventh Step is a way for us to improve the relationship.Recovery is a process of growth and change in which our lives are renewed. The Twelve Steps are the roadmap, the specific directions we take in order to continue in recovery. But the support we need to proceed with each step comes from our faith in a Higher Power, the belief that all will be well. Faith gives us courage to act. Each step we work is supported by our relationship with a loving God..............Just for today: I will remember that the source of my courage and willingness is my relationship with my Higher Power.
#####ROSIE....the 3rd step was my most dificult....people would laugh at me adn say "didn't step 4 scare you???"...i said "no, it didn't scare me, but it did hurt me to see how badly injured i was"....it was step 3......the thought of "giving my life over to the care of my higher power............................." and DOING it.....giving up my cares to a power who didn't have a good history with me....like our track record together was *wanting* to say the least....i felt abandoned/ rejected by this HP....i felt victimized by this HP......at worst victimized.....at least abandoned/ "dissed"/ "passed over".......so doing this recovery work, and aligning myself with/ cooperating with a HP/ turning things over scared the heck out of me.......i was just picturing myself giving this stuff over and getting "dissed" and becomming even more bitter and full of hate /distrust for hp....its like "ok, if i don't go to it, i won't get abandoned, thus i won't be resentful" i know that is screwed up thinking, but i was at that place B4 recovery....like i didn't want to hate/distrust hp anymore, so don't expect anything....don't ask for help......accept that i am alone and *on my own* here on earth...............that thinking still casts its shadow on me, but slowly and i say slowly because i was FORCED to give over, i see that releasing me from the karma, can cause the universe to work on it and thus, things DO work out better.....its like my *getting out of the way* has enabled the universe to work its energy on my *issue* and things do go better......i will have to practice it because it is not habit as yet, but there again!!1 i am soooooo WILLING......i know it had to has to be my HP, driving me along this many times bumpy road of recovery....so it HAS to have something for me, otherwise it would not waste time powering me along in recovery....thank you DONE
