One of our posters found an obit for JustToni from a couple months ago. Apparently she lost her brave battle with cancer. What a wonderful Lady, full of love and encouragement here on the board. We love and miss you Toni.
"Thought I would send a pic from last year on my Son's Outside deck
Love and Huggies,
Toni"
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 3rd of November 2011 07:37:51 PM
Toni, God Bless You. You were a tower of strength for me in my time of need, all the while with your own troubles. I'll never forget you and I'm so grateful you were a part of my life. Love in Fellowship and rest in peace. You're safe in His hands now.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
This is not something I ever wanted to hear or read, I am stricken & I can't believe it :( Toni, your spirit is etched here & in our hearts. You have always been a voice of incredible love, compassion & balance with so much empathy drawn deep from your own experiences which you never complained about. I knew of some of your aches & you carried them in grace knowing God's strength. A woman of integrity, generosity & a stalwart yet gentle resilience. Toni, maybe your work here is complete & God has you now for an eternal & blessed rest. You leave us a legacy & we'll never forget you. Your warmth is here to touch others still. Thank you for all your sharing. I'm glad at least we heard so we can give some small respects for what has been a massive life. God keep you now, Sister. I love you, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
I will never ever forget Toni and her extreme kindness to me. She gave me hope, by sharing and caring. I cannot express how much this meant when I was brand new to sobriety and AA. I felt the warmth of her through the computer in great waves. When I struggled with the board specifically and how to live sober on my own she never failed to reach out with understanding and wisdom. I absolutely love her spirit, it came through so clear in her way with words. I've been struck dumb since realizing she must have passed, though I sensed this was so some time back. I feel her spirit lives on and it encourages me to continue to pass it on myself.
You were a lovely and very dear "friendy" to all of us. Godbless infinitely and peace,
Our Toni wrote this in June, it is worth sharing it again. jj/sheila
Morning All,
Last Evening I responded to Jane's Post on Prayer and Medidation and I said no, and thanked her for giving me the poke I needed to start practicing.
Well it was just about 5 months ago, that a great Doc, did give me a real sharp poke verbally, went to the Pharmacy on my way home, threw out all the cigarettes I had around my house, a friend had come over, I had the Nicoderm Patch on by then and I was feeling so carefree, and great about this topic.
I have been diagnosed with a very small tumor in my right lung and it has not matatasized and was a non/small cell whatever that means, and in shopping around for the Best place to deal with this, I worked with my own Doc. in finding some great doctors, but at the last minute, when I was advised of the downside of the Radiation that I was just about to go thru, I put the breaks on, said to my Doc. we need to go to Plan B, found this Alternative Oncology Group of Doctors that was no close, but I would surely spend the time, and get some help getting up there. Their Theory to this Alternative was to Cut the tumor entirely in half, when doing so, the tumor can no longer live, will shrink and fall, dissolving and in one year you would not know any thing was there. This Giant Robotic Radiation Machines moving around over you, and when in the right place deliver a realllllly high dose of Radiation, the Treatment takes just over an hour and the nurses need about 15 minutes to be sure your body, clothes on, is in Exactly the right position. I close my eyes or open them at time to watch this Machine, it was all very facinating, and personally believe it is the cutting edge of Science, chuckling cause the name is Cyber Knife, in Vista, CA. Treatments, I had a total of 5. To gt to the start of treatments, a person goes thru about 15 or less misc. tests to rule out it being metastatic, Head MRI, Full Body Radioacive CT....that one was necessary, but very creapy, then then the rest were CTs...without dyes. That process took about 3 months to complete.
Then the actual treatments begin. The side effects were very minimul, a little tired feeling, wanting to get to bed earlier, just feeling a lot less energy, and all that would dissapate in about a month. they were 100% accurate, and in 3 month now, I will go see them to confirm I am 100% Cancer free....
That was about 3 months ago, well I had to give you the full background on what is going on with me.....for almost 4 entire months a Person that had been successsful in Kicking the Habit....I said to my friends, just can't beleive it has been so easy.......
about 3 weeks ago was looking for something in a bathroon drawer, you guesed it, found a half of pack of cigs, and my very stupid ass thinking was, a half pack, no big deal, think I will smoke them just to enjoy that old feeling, and be done.
Well you probably know what coming too, that old addiction said, as it raised it Monstrous head, not this time.....
I have feeling more than anything deep shame for my action, and using my 12 x 12 daily, on the first three steps.
I believe the shame is in the Arrogance of my Lack of Humbleness at freeing myself, or rather NOT giving GOD full credit.
Too ashamed to put it on the Board, that part I dont understand, we are all addicts, a drug is a drug is a drug. And in my screwed up thinking, felt you would see me as less of a person, (part of the addicts thinking, nothing real to it, right?)
Ok, could have kept it briefer, but now I am going to Shout it,
HELP!!!
Woke up this morning, preparring for war with this grissly gorilla, put th Step 1 Patch on Again, with my first breath of air. and I am willing to Pray all day, and battle the cravings that are brutal now....
Step 1, I am Powerless over Tobacco, and my life has become Unmanagable..
I CAN'T, HE CAN, and I AM GOING TO LET HIM.
Just a little PS, Now I know why they say quitting tobacco is as bad as quitting Heroin...
I am going to use this awesome site as my Sponsor and have not for some time, I will check in ever day, Today being Day I.....Have all my TOOLS, and I am going to use them alllll.
Thank you all my Beloved friends, And thank for the Love I already feel from you all. I know this is an Alcohol Based website, but I know you all, and the NA Nicotine Anomous meeting here have 4 or 5 people on Sunday nites....So I hope this is ok with you Dean and the others, I just need HELP....hope you will allow me to just put down today, Day One, and the following days, just the checking in with the days....
Have a Blessed day....
Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Wednesday 8th of June 2011 10:31:24 AM
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 27th of October 2011 06:23:05 AM
JJ you read my mind. I was thinking that someone could start a thread where we could bring up favorite posts by JustToni. That's one of the coolest features of a message board. Everything she ever wrote is here.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 23rd of October 2011 09:37:43 PM
Thanks for this post. The last time I talked with toni was in the early part of june. She had sent me a poem about kindness via my email, which made me feel so grateful at the time. I think it would be only fitting for me to post it here. So, here goes...
Kindness
Poet Naomi Shihab Nye in her poem "Kindness" writes:
Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things, feel the future dissolve in a moment like salt in a weakened broth. What you held in your hand, what you counted and carefully saved, all this must go so you know how desolate the landscape can be between the regions of kindness ...
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho lies dead by the side of the road. You must see how this could be you, how he too was someone who journeyed through the night with plans and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
You must know sorrow as the other deepest thing. You must wake up with sorrow. You must speak to it till your voice catches the thread of all sorrows and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread, only kindness that raises its head from the crowd of the world to say It is I you have been looking for, and then goes with you everywhere Like a shadow or a friend.
"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another
Thanks...Toni for all you gave us...in the short amount of time we spent together. You spirit will live on through all of us...each and every day.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Monday 24th of October 2011 02:44:02 AM
Toni...thanks for all the support. You've touched a lot of hearts dear including mine, and for that we say...thank you. You will never be forgotten...ever. This board might be a little bit lonelier now that you're gone, but the stars in heaven shine ever so brightly now that you've come home.
We were able to share each other lives thru an email and I will cherish the communication. A true spirit of God and an absolute doer of the process,a day at a time...As we shared with each other ,I know her "new life is just beginning .In Gods arms feel the comfort, there are no more tears,love you Toni.............
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Every so often God sends a bright star in my life. That star was you Toni. You were indeed one of my finest friends. Your love had made such a marked difference to this forum. You always cared and shared with everyone, and you made such wonderful pictures for me in my mind. I pray that one day my Lord Jesus Christ will make it possible for us to meet face to face and share our wonderful friendship. Enjoy your peace with the Lord.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 27th of October 2011 06:23:49 AM
I just got an return email from her Son the Doctor. I asked him for a picture of Toni, but didn't get one.
Hi Michael,
It is with great sadness that I write you. I am a member (and moderator) of the Miracles in Progress AA message board that your Mother has been a member of for some 6 years now. We have been worried about her and she hasn't written anything for a few months. One of the last messages she sent me had this at the end. "If you ever did not see me for a really long time and were wondering...well...you know, you could write to my Son, Michael, at MTorrente@AOL.com ". One of our other posters thinks that she found an obit in a San diego newspaper from Sept 5th but couldn't be sure. We're all heart broken and hoping that it isn't hers. If so, our deepest condolences for your family as your Mother was so loved by our online community. You know it's amazing that we could possibly get so attached to a person that we've never met in person, nor ever saw a picture of. These aspects also present unique difficulty when it comes to closure. We would love to have a happy photo of her in her prime, and permission to post it in a tribute to the wonderful person, lady, and friend that she was to literally hundreds of folks, many of which needed a friend just like her.
Sincerely,
Dean Collins
Dean yes ..thank you very much- my mother passed away peacefully on august 4th at her home. please make donations to the san diego animal shelter- humane society spca instead of flowers. thank you again for your warm condolences. she was truly a special woman. michael torrente
Hey Dean, I really appreciate you tracking that down. Toni was able to project a "mothering" quality digitally. Amazing. How did she do that? When she empathized, you felt it...through cyberspace. Toni, you were special. God Bless. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
This is very difficult on a couple of levels...yes I can detach from it because I am powerless and I cannot erase the memories which Toni and I shared on PMs. It also brings home that there is another long time fellowine? locally who is addicted to smoking (like I was) who has a degrading heart condition that is made worse by her smoking. I know abou the word "trying" and when she mentions it I remember my own addiction to nicotine and what that cost me mind, body, spirit and emotions. Her doctor has time lined her also..."soon" he has said and I think of Toni and her struggle...however how she talked about it didn't seem to be a struggle at all on the surface it seemed like a lesson in acceptance and that said it is a large part of what I will miss from her...how she could "walk it" even in cyberspace. I remember when she was Toni Baloni and when she changed that because it really didn't fit her recovering characters.
I'm gonna intentionally spend time grieving the loss of her spirit.
"Changed my sign in, and yep dont mind being a newbie at all. I like to think of myself as green, as in still growing anyway.
Hugs, have someone outside painting, and have to get outside to help him, well just a little :)
You did convince me it was not a fitting name for a sober woman......ok? smiling again."
Toodles, Baloney, hahaha, scared you, huh????
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 24th of October 2011 10:45:35 PM
Looking back through my pm's (857 which is unbelievable) this was the first of 6 dozen or so from "ToniBaloney" aka JustToni.
Apr 29, 2009 toni baloney
Senior Member Posts: 418
Hi Dean, Thanks for the note, and yes, in the late 80s and early 90's, AA and all 12 Step Programs, from my own memory, don't know if you shared this in Florida, but in California, it was the "in" thing, to be part of any 12 Step Program, and AA was the top one. And now I can look at it like you do, it was a Magical time.
Just wanted to share something with you, that I got a kick out of, one of my dear friends, was in a different 12 Step Program everynight of the week, he never had an evening to do anything else. And once I asked him why he could not incorporate all those particular meetings into one, like Sex Addicts Anonymous, Over Eaters Anonyomous, Gamblers Anonomous, cannot even recall all the rest, it was a rather retorical question, and he did not really answer. But to my way of thinking back then, if you really applied yourself to the AA Program, and really worked your butt off on the 12 Steps, and turning everything over to a Power Greater than yourself, wouldn't that take care of all of it. Thats not a judgment, it was more of a riddle.
Don't know why that triggered that memory, but as far as it being an "in" thing, well I guess my dear friend was the most "innest" person around, bar none, pardon the phrase, lol
Looking so foward to getting to know you as well as the others here, and what I said yesterday, it SURE Does feel so good to be back here on MIP.
Toodles, Toni
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 24th of October 2011 11:54:41 PM
I am very sad to see this post as I`ve been gone quite awhile so I guess it`s easy to take for granted that the same people will be here when I come back... lesson learned :( Goodbye, Toni.
Here's a PM from Toni that captures her ESH. I've edited irrelevant parts of her personal reply to me. To my way of thinking she captures living with principles, humanity, humor, gratitude and affection all in one package:
My Dear Precious Friend,
Cannot quote from the book, at the moment, but somewhere it talks about .....Resentments are a Luxury we CANNOT afford......not because it blocks us off from our HP, which is so very true, but because it is the Primary reason we see people pick up after having time, like Resentments have the POWER to kill us, because we cannot afford to go back out for the sheer reason WHO knows if we will be coming back...
I want to leave you with another thought, I tried this several times, did not like it, but I did it.
If I had a resentment, (believe me I had some doozeys) I would follow the advice, and say a Prayer to GOD that this person that I resented have first everything in life that I wanted, that she have it first. The recommendation was that you dont have to mean it, just do it, and do it for two weeks, everymorning.....and Angela, I swear dont know how it works, but way before the second week is over, the resentment has just evaporated...
I also sometimes when I think I really dont like someone, I do an iternal thingy of what if I really looked would I really like about that person.......
We are all beloved Children of GOD, no exceptions.
Love and Hugs, write anytime, I feel close to you dear, and you can share anything anytime with me.
I went to a Kidney specialist, my GP sent me to, because of a constant low sodium reading. he ordered a head and neck CT, and one of the chest area, well to my surprise, I found out that I have an inoperable form of Lung Cancer....as you can imagine that has been a rather head spinning freaky thing, and did the full body CAT CT the other day, and just this morning, got a call from my own Doc, I just love her she is so so wonderful to me....I had them send me a copy, but realized I was way too chicken to read it by myself, it was to rule out metastatic, meaning was it anywhere else in the body. and the GOOD News No, no where else, so radiation is what I will chose, No Chemo for me, long story, but they have the UC Radiation Oncology Satalite offices about 6 blocks away,,,, I was in there the other day and just like in AA, I asked the question, Do you offer support groups, well I got this great reception, and so upbeat, and so I can look forward to going thru whatever it is I will go thru, not ALONE!!!!
Dealing with people that have what I have, feel very blessed and grateful for the tools at my disposal.
Trust God, Clean House, and help another.
Love you sweet friend,
Tonicakes.
-- Edited by angelov8 on Tuesday 25th of October 2011 01:12:48 PM
For me...just for me I have learned in recovery and so very greatfully that If I still have memory of what it was like then my life and the people in it are all in the present. They do not go away at any time to any other place and so Toni still lives (spiritually yes for this is a spiritual program) within my memories and I can listen again and speak again at will. She taught at times and I was the student and at other times it was the other way around as I'm sure it was for all of us who were fortunate to have met her and seated her within the wide family we now have. Love her? of course same way I love you all. Like you are Toni was a gift from my Higher Power as I understand my Higher Power and that understanding comes within the culture I was raised in and around and which also makes room always for those who came before us...here we call them aumakua (ow mah koo ah) or spirit forms. Most all idigenous peoples have this practice also.
Toni is not a past tense person for me...she is real time and I am grateful. You all will be forever real time. And what did you think you were? LOL...she isn't and you all aren't going anywhere. You've left pieces of your minds, spirits and emotions all over my life and I'm stoked for it. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 26th of October 2011 08:30:29 PM
Jerry, thanks, I get it. Everybody leaves their footprints and for me everybody lives on. Their earthly body may be gone, but they live on in my memory and my shared experiences.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
So, 08:10, Elbow's on the radio (throw those curtains wide, one day like this would see me right, for life), and there's a picture of Toni, big, lovely smile, looking just like I thought she would. Great start to the day. Thanks.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
While I know all you guys are real and I care about you...the picture of Toni just took it too a whole new level :( Sad for her and her family but I guess it's good she is not suffering any more and also that she had 20 years sober by the time she passed. A strong example of someone that always kept coming back...as she would state she was a chronic relapser for the first 10 years of going to AA.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
She was so much more than just one of many on the MIP message board. She whispered to me quietly in pm many times over the years she was here, and always brought me back to a place of calm. She didn't message me about the little odd and ends going on the board, she didn't just send kind words from time to time.. she was there in the background, ready to step forward and be a warm spirit of words when I wrote on this board about my aunts being killed in Florida, when I wrote about my sisters husband killing her, and when I wrote in anguish about the separation of my wife and I. She was there when I needed her, and I never had to ask her to be, she just was.
My heart goes out to those that love her, for I know they lost a very special person.
Toni's spirit lives among this MIP family... she will be missed, but never forgotten.
John
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 27th of October 2011 07:55:17 PM
wow I came here to post about my 16 days sober and see this :( RIP TONI, You helped me more than you will ever know, I know you are in heaven, say hi to my Grandma and Uncle please and let them know I am doing well...
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
