you are an awesome writer, dear aquaman. your research has been impeccable. the question is, have you done enough? (your wife is a separate issue) this is about you. relapse is the scenic road back to these rooms, back to love, back to life, back to hope. may God Bless you right back to us. Sheila
This disease is taking you for an awful ride Rob. Time to hop off (in a good way). I have to take psych meds and battle depression too. Thing is, I never got stable while drowning in alcohol. Yeah, it sounds like you need to get back to the Dr. too as well as back into AA. But, there is hope. I just live life now and am far happier on a daily basis. I don't really suffer from anything...I just live.
I don't know if this is the case for you, but what kept me sick for the longest was crippling fear. Most of it was tied into knowing I had to end the 7 year relationship with my ex to stay sober. Not saying that is the answer for you, but something has to change and there is something you are really afraid of when it comes to living life (whether it be starting a career over, starting a single life...I read that you have failure stamped on your forehead when all that is really stamped there is "scared").....otherwise you wouldn't be choosing to die.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Seems to me you've had enough again, Seems to me you're in a world of pain, Seems to me that you like the pity pot, Seems to me time to give it a real shot.
Forget the God of your fathers, Forget the God of your childhood, Forget the God of yourself, Forget the God that isn't helping you.
Trust the power of the fellowship, Works for me, can work for you, Never forget that you are worth it, Get your act together and either sh1t or get off the pot................you know what to do ending your life, gimme a break, you do that and I'll personally never talk to you again, we have fishing to do together.
Now, say this to yourself as often as you breathe - I am Powerless over alcohol and my life is unmangeable, G.O.D help me, say it at a meeting, say it to your sponsor, get on your knees and say it aloud, down there on the ground. It's beat you man, so give up the fight. It will beat you every time. It will make you sick, it will mess your head, it will steal everything you have, everyone you love and every drream you ever had, it will drive you into an asylum, it can drive you into jail and IT WILL KILL YOU! But not before it has taken EVERYTHING from you, even the stuff you don't even know you got until it's gone.
Rob, you too damn clever by half. There's no-one too dumb to get this but plenty of us think we're too smart.
Surrender, Acceptance, G.O.D, Home Group, Step group, Sponsor, Steps. get your thumb out of your backside, wipe your nose, dry your tears and get on the programme. If I weren't the other side of the pond mate, I'd be dragging you to a meeting, and mate, I'd have my arm round your shoulders all the way and you'd want to come too!
Start today, right now, an hour, a minute at a time. Surrender and you need never drink again. Promise. It's the only promise my sponsor made to me and it came true, every day since I got with the sponsor. I had a few month running on ego and self will and not drinking but bugger me was I a dry drunk.
C'mon Rob, I need your input to my continued sobriety, don't be one of the ones who have to die to teach the rest of us a lesson. Let some other bugger do teh research now, you done enough. C'mon brother, we're all beside you, stand on the shoulders of those who went before and see what you can have, use their experience, strength and hope and you will recover from this seemingly hopeless condition and you will enjoy life once more.
Surrender, Acceptance, G.O.D, Home Group, Step group, Sponsor, Steps.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
RELAPSE CAN BE THE JARRING EXPERIENCE THAT BRINGS ABOUT A MORE RIGOROUS APPLICATION OF THE PROGRAM!..........readings.... .THEREFORE THE MAIN PROBLEM OF THE ALCOHOLIC CENTERS IN HIS MIND RATHER THAN HIS BODY, IF YOU ASK HIM WHY HE STARTED THAT LAST BENDER,CHANCES ARE HE WILL OFFER ANY ONE OF A HUNDRED ALIBLIS.(RESERVATIONS)SOMETIMES THE EXCUSES HAVE A CERTAIN PLAUSIBILITY,BUT NONE OF THEM REALLY MAKES SENSE IN THE LIGHT OF THE HAVOC AN ALCOHOLICS DRINKING BOUT CREATES.....WE CAN GET BACK TO THE SPIRITUAL FOUNDATION,(1ST 3 STEPS) THERE IS A SOLUTION.......YOU HAVE TO WANT IT MORE THAN ANYTHING,YOU KNOW THE ROAD AND YOU KNOW THE WORK TO DO....PICK YOURSELF UP,DUST YOURSELF OFF AND MOVE FORWARD ,A DAY AT A TIME,OR A MINUTE ,AN HOUR.THE ELIMINATION OF DRINKING IS JUST THE BEGINNING,REACH OUT FOR THOSE SPIRITUAL TOOLS,I LIKE TO CALL THEM GIFTS OF MY ULTIMATE HIGHER POWER(THE PROGRAM,THE MESSAGE,A SPONSOR,OTHERS BASED ON THE EVIDENCE,SOMETHING SOMEONE SHARES.PAIN ,A GREAT PERSUADER,)START HERE WITH THAT POWER GREATER THAN YOURSELF,A PROGRESSION OF BELIEF NOT AN EVENT. YES ,THERE IS A SOLUTION,YOU KNOW THE ROAD.WE HAVE OUR ARMS AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE WOBBLY,WE'LL HOLD EACH OTHER UP AND GOD WILL LIGHT THE WAY...PEACE MAN..............
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
It was wonderful to hear from you tho I feel the pain and suffering described in the poem. I relate and it is hard.
The longer I am sober I see the depth and horror of this disease and how it manifests. The window of my openess to consider my own drinking problem came one night when I read some poems in a magazine I had lying around. I shared them with some sober sisters this weekend at a retreat. I hadn't looked at them since the beginning of the end a few years back. I think I'll share this one here cause it really sums up how I feel about recovery today:
Gravy
No other word will do. For that's what it was. Gravy.
Gravy, these past ten years.
Alive, sober, working, loving and
being loved by a good woman. Eleven years
ago he was told he had six months to live
at the rate he was going. And he was going
nowhere but down. So he changed his ways
somehow. He quit drinking! And the rest?
After that it was all gravy, every minute
of it, up to and including when he was told about,
well, some things that were breaking down and
building up inside his head. "Don't weep for me,"
he said to his friends. "Im a lucky man.
I've had ten years longer than I or anyone
expected. Pure Gravy. And don't forget it."
Ramond Carver, exerpted from an essay by Tess Gallagher in The Sun, Dec 2006
What this will amount to is we'll have to account to the law of the God who became us
Evil is a part of those who misuse their love of passion that knows how to blame us
If you can stand another way then you can stand another day
Our time is now but where are we? standing up or stepping free on pedestal or bended knee?
Saw you in the OR talk to you tomorrow how do I tell you I love you?
I wrote this about a year ago when I slipped during my wife's recovery from a double mastectomy for breast cancer. Rob, Your poem says it all. You understand the disease and our relationship to a higher power, now its time to really surrender and take the leap of faith. You are there. Just do it and live the simple program for complex people. To make it simple re read all the posts above again. All were excellent, but Bikerbill, and Mike F said it very passionately. We (meaning not only us here on the board, but at your local meeting) are here for you because we have been there with you on every bender.
Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
