SINCE I STOPPED DRINKING MY LIFE HAS CHANGED FULL CIRCLE.I DO NOT HAVE MONEY WORRIES,I HAVE THE LOVE OF MY FAMILY,I AM LUCKY ENOUGH TO TRAVEL TO UGANDA EVERY YEAR TO UGANDA AS A VOLUNTEER,...THERE IS NOTHING I NEED OR WANT!
SO WHY AM I UNHAPPY?
I LOST MY SON TO THIS ILLNES IN 2004....I WATCHED HIM BLEED TO DEATH...MY YOUNGEST SON WAS MURDERED IN 2009...BUT IF THAT EVIL MAN HAD NOT KILLED HIM THIS DISEASE WOULD HAVE!
I CANT LOOK AT THEIR PICTURES AND THE ACHE IN MY HEART WONT GO...SOMETIMES I HAVE A DRUNK HEAD ON...DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN....NO DRINK,NOT ACTING DRUNK BUT THOSE DRUNK THOUGHTS...WERE YOU THINK,NOBODY LIKES ME,I AM WORTHLESS,WHY ME?...................UNDERSTAND?
ON THESE DAYS I JUST WISH IT WOULD ALL GO AWAY....BUT IS IT NOT STRANGE THAT ON THOSE DAYS..I ALWAYS BUMP INTO AN AA MEMBER...GET ASKED TO SHARE OR JUST HAVE A LOVELY CHAT WITH SOMEONE ON THE STREET...I CAN HONESTLY SWEAR ON THIS...THE MIRACLE OF AA
I HOPE ONE DAY I CAN LOOK AT MY SONS PICTURES AND SEE WHAT I BELIEVE IN MY HEART...THAT THEY WERE LIKE CATTERPILLARS,ALL CACOONED UP IN THE DRINK AND NOW THEY ARE CHANGED INTO BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLIES...AND FREE!
I WANT MY MIND TO BE LIKE A BUTTERFLY AND MY LIFE TO BE A LONG AND HAPPY ONE AND THAT THIS PROGRAMME KEEPS SPREADING...GIVE OTHERS THE FREDOM...
ANGELINA XOXO
PS THERE ARE NOW MEETINGS IN UGANDA...AND ME...THE ONLY WHITE ONE TO WALK IN,....WHAT AN EXPERIENCE X
It may or may not comfort you, but all this is really making you a stronger and better person. Who knows what you might accomplish that would make your sons proud? Certainly posting here is more helpful to some of us than you perhaps realize.
Good luck!
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
My God (((Angelina)))) you've been through so much. I'ld be flat out getting out of bed if that happened to me. To me you're amazing the way you are dealing with this. Of course it's understandable how you can't look at your sons pictures. You miss them, they're your babies (no matter how old they were).
Your share reminds me that no matter how much we have been through, God has a way of making our worst experiences useful to others, through our example and our sharing. You did that for me this morning. Thank you. Like you I go to local meetings regularly - often daily - although they are not in English and I don't always understand everything. My sponsor also has me writing gratitude lists... LONG ones! They help... Andrei in Transilvania
I was taught that happiness is an inside job Angelina and I found that to be true. Go inside and find it and then bring it out side with you. I also am inspired by your ESH and glad to know that the meetings are running in Uganda and in Transilvania. If I ever get there I'm looking in. ((((hugs))))
Many wise words in these replies Angelina. Perhaps grief counselling would help. I lost my wife 4 years ago and I have found grief has a mind of its own, not much I could do to control it. But the counselling was more about validating how I was feeling, and understanding that my feelings were normal. That was a huge help especially because, while practicing the steps helped me with acceptance, it didn't help with the waves of sadness that can sweep over me without warning. My daughter suffers from the waves too, but they are getting better as time goes on. And, as time goes on, I realise how God gave me the strength to handle this stuff in the right way and what an amazing miracle that is. Your strength, faith and courage is an inspiration to me and many others I am sure.
You might still have some grieving to do. 2 children is an enourmous loss....cannot even fathom it. Also, sometimes being sober allows us to really dig in and do work with a therapist that was always totally unproductive before. This was the case for me. Also, I have clinical depression that runs in my family even more than alcoholism so that is something I have to watch out for and treat also. I can and do sometimes get very depressed (not like a normal mood swing) and it can be for no real reason.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Many wise words in these replies Angelina. Perhaps grief counselling would help. I lost my wife 4 years ago and I have found grief has a mind of its own, not much I could do to control it. But the counselling was more about validating how I was feeling, and understanding that my feelings were normal. That was a huge help especially because, while practicing the steps helped me with acceptance, it didn't help with the waves of sadness that can sweep over me without warning. My daughter suffers from the waves too, but they are getting better as time goes on. And, as time goes on, I realise how God gave me the strength to handle this stuff in the right way and what an amazing miracle that is. Your strength, faith and courage is an inspiration to me and many others I am sure.
God bless, Mike H.
Amen "FS"...great advice. Grief counseling does make sense. I hope it helps...
I'm very sorry to hear what you've been through. Having 4 kids of my own, I can't imagine it. Keep going to meetings and reaching out to help others. For me, I am trying to learn to not be so self-centered and to reach out to help others. Have you ever listened to any pod casts? You can get them on your computer and don't need an ipod, etc, to listen to them. I have been listening to AA speaker tape podcasts as much as possible lately and they are really helpful to me. here is a link to some. I just checked them and you can play them directly on the PC.
One day at a time. There is so much promise in these speaker tapes that the depression and sadness of the early months and years in sobriety will fade if one is blessed to stick with and work the program.
For me, I have managed to stay mostly sober for the last 25 years and have not been in the program. But I have been realizing lately that I have no real friends. All my friends were from a long time ago and all of them related to alcohol and drug use. And these speaker tapes made me realize my lack of friends is due to the fact that I am so selfish. I don't always seem selfish on the outside but on the inside I think almost everything I do relates only to my own gratification.
Be good to yourself, Angelina. Thanks for posting.
Sounds like you do the deal. I have not lost kids to death yet. My daughter has a disorter from birth that should have taken her by 20 but she is 30 now.. I sponsor a guy who lost his first son young to sickness. Flu or somethong like that. His second son he killed in a hunting accident. It took him years to beable to share about it with out braking down. One thing I know is the program does what its suposed to do and it sounds like you have it. I also know that there is no step for a broken heart it takes what it takes. Dont stop sharing about it God will give you you need to endure and will use you help one of His kids with your expeience.
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Since it cost a lot to win, and even more to loose, you and me gotta spend some time just wondering what to choose.
This post is very good for me. I lost my husband after watching suffer thru a very long heart problems. He's been gone for 14 months...I have been thru grief counseling...it helped a little...I wnt into an intensive out patient, it lasted 3weeks, and helped. I got back into meetings, felt as if I wanted to give my life back to god and aa, but I sunk into that lost worl of grief again, and ended up drinking. I'm very sick....my brain says it helps to escape the pain. But that is so wrong, I wakeup sick, anxiety and fear rush back, the it's weeks of depression again, the hopeless feeling of not being able to stay sober. I plan to go to a women's meeting tomorrow. I'm to sick to drive today....I don't trust my self to drive, and still reek of wine, shaking. All the joys of a hangover...just kidding, no joy in feeling this shame and guilt..I have a disabled 24yr old so....he only has me..that's where my shame and guilt come from. If he loses me, ughh..the thought sickens me. I can't be a proper mother like this. The saddest thing for me, is that I had 21 & 1/2 yrs. I'm fully aware of how if you stop working the program, I have no tools to fight this disease. I'm gonna do a lot of reading of my big book, and 12 step book, get on my knees and ask God to give me th strength to live sober today, sick as I feel....then back to meetings.
I pray that you find comfort for your losses. Losing 2 children is tragic.
Your butterfly story was awesome. Odd coincidence is as soon as I lost my husband, who btw died with 33 yrs sober, in aa. But before he passed, we never had ALOT of butterflies..the first week after I started to sit on back deck....and noticed a crazy amount of the most beautiful butterflies everywhere. I thought they were signs from, him trying to encourage me to get help again.
Thanks for sharing...your story helped me this morning.
