Hi, I've been looking around the internet trying to find some ideas to help my wife get sober, when we first met we were both drinking and hanging out in clubs, at that time I didn't feel like there was problem because we didn't drink all the time, but we did drink a lot because it was a new relationship and we were going out quite a bit.
She had some pretty traumatic things happen in her life and her drinking escalated to the point that she now drinks pretty much every, single day, she wakes up and is irratable until she starts drinking, but she doesn't drink like she used to, she now will drink until she is totally incoherant, she is EXTREMELY abusive towards me (mostly verbal, but things got physical over the weekend) and is completely incapable of reasoning.
I feel like a prison guard!, if she leaves the house alone, I KNOW she will stop at the liquor store and get a bottle, I am finding them EVERYWHERE!, and I'm always finding glasses all over the place that have had liquor in them, the other day I was looking for some shoes in our closet and found one of her hiding places and it was just full of empty bottles, my day consists of taking care of her to make sure she doesn't do anything bad, and trying to keep everyone in our family from finding out what's going on.
If I bring up trying to get her help she tells me that I'm a drinker too, and I have to stop if she does (which really wouldn't be that big of a deal since I don't drink a lot, I go weeks without drinking at all) BUT!!!...it pisses me off that she turns it around on me, and I don't drink like she does!
So, my main question is this, I DO love this woman, and want to do whatever it takes to help her, but...how should I go about this?, I feel like her telling me I have to stop drinking is a control issue more than anything else, and while I would never try to rub it in her face, I feel like it is unfair of her to TELL me I have to stop if she does, I'm all for support, but drinking is not an issue for me the way it is for her.
How should I handle this?...thank you for taking the time to read this,,,
Welcome Bandit. I wanted to tell you that this post is most appropriate for the Alanon site and that is where you should go to find the support you are looking for. Not that you are not welcome here, but Alanon is the place for family and significant other's of alcoholics or people affected by others' drinking. Please check out the alanon board. I participate there and can tell you that, while you might get good responses here, the experience of the people there is more what you are looking for.
There are some basic things that you aren't understanding right now and Alanon can help you learn to proceed in a more healthy way for you. You seem to feel some guilt that you may have contributed to her disease by drinking with her to start off with. Well...that didn't make her an alcoholic. Nothing you did or can do now will cause, control, or cure her drinking. Her alcholism belongs to her and she has to want help for it, otherwise you are going to go round and round hearing more insane requests and diseased BS because Alcoholism has a firm hold on her now and you are dealing with an illogical person who has a serious addiction. You are also too close to her to be the person to help her. If you want to keep a healthy marriage (as much as this is possible with an active drinker) being her sponsor, parent, prison guard....none of those is going to work and it will result in more pain for both of you. She has to find outside help and she has to want it like I said before.
If she is really intent on stopping, then requests to not have alcohol in the house and to not drink around her might be reasonable....But that is not what I hear. What I hear is her trying to guard her alcoholism by saying "I'm not gonna quit unless you do this." That type of insanity is not a desire to quit...it's a desire to keep drinking. If I saw her going to meetings, getting a sponsor...really trying...Yeah, that would merit respecting a boundary of not drinking around her. Right now it sounds like a ploy.
Anyhow, please check out the Alanon site and you will find many many more folks who have been in your shoes. If and when you wife is ready for recovery, send her our way!
Mark
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I feel like her telling me I have to stop drinking is a control issue more than anything else, and while I would never try to rub it in her face, I feel like it is unfair of her to TELL me I have to stop if she does, I'm all for support, but drinking is not an issue for me the way it is for her
Maybe. So why not just call her bluff?
So called 'normal' drinkers can take a drink or leave it. If the idea of not drinking yourself upsets you as much as it sounds ...
Well, here's a test. If you can't just stop drinking yourself - for whatever reason, makes you angry, uneasy, etc., then try some 'controlled' drinking.
Just have ONE. No need to keep up with her. If 'controlled' drinking is a problem, leave you upset, angry, irratable you may also have a potential drinking problem.
Other than not drinking yourself, there is little or nothing YOU can do to get your wife sober. You can attend Al-Anon. You can learn about setting boundries and you can learn about not doing things which enable her continued alcoholism.
I wish I had some good advise but I don't have any experience in that situation, as I was the one with the drinking problem in the marriage. I can tell you though that I didn't get sober until my spouse and I had split up. It wasn't possible for me to concentrate on my and my problem while she was still in the picture. Once we split up it became crystal clear and it's when my denial broke down and I reached out for help. This is fairly typical and you can imagine what I'd like to suggest. Good luck and God bless.
Thanks for your concern. I was a fall down drunk myself for many years and what I can tell you is this; it will only get worse...unfortunately. My alcoholism, was a symptom of a more pervasive problem and until I recovered from whatever ailed me, my drinking would always be front and center...like hers. So, I continued to drink...and drink; until the now infamous day when my drinking took a turn for the worse.
My life should have ended that day, in what could only be descibed as less than desirable circumstances. However, something did change and thank God it did. Because my life, that seemed so undesirable at one time, has been steadily transformed into a purpose filled one, full of hope and meaning.
What was needed all along was some sort of psychic change, a spiritual awakening of sorts, which could relieve me of the compulsion to drink. When that eventually did happen -some years down the road, I was finally able to steer clear of all my predispostions and address my greatest concern ...alcoholism. I can now, by the power of grace and the fellowship of AA, testify to the magnificent reality which is sobriety, and the promises to come, here and now.
Believe me bandit, it truly does get better. So don't give up...either on your marriage or her getting sober. God will have the final say as he always does. Remember...miracles do happen, and she just might become the next miracle before too long. The first step is where it all started for me some 10+ years ago, and I hope it can for her, starting today.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Wednesday 5th of October 2011 03:43:55 AM
The rrib-er strikes again!!...I like what he had to say cause the focus is right in the first place and for me when I was married to my very own alcoholic/addict I always had the spot light on her and she glowed in it always. Alcoholics do that and alcoholics are masters of the turn. We can blame the pope for our drinking problems after running thru everyone else in our life. I was great at manipulation and the turn and never took responsibility for my own drinking. The Al-Anon suggestion is golden and there are so many more "doubles" in recovery now meaning members of both Al-Anon and AA or vice-versa who enjoy deep and wide recovery as a result
What alcoholic in denial likes to stand up and take responsibility for out of control drinking all by themselves? Only ones' I know are in the program of recovery; AA, to save their own asses inspite of anyone else.
Old question I had to answer was "Why is booze so damned important to my life?"
Hi, I've been looking around the internet trying to find some ideas to help my wife get sober
Well, that's your first problem. No one can "get" anyone else sober unless they want to get sober.
If I bring up trying to get her help she tells me that I'm a drinker too, and I have to stop if she does (which really wouldn't be that big of a deal since I don't drink a lot, I go weeks without drinking at all) BUT!!!...it pisses me off that she turns it around on me, and I don't drink like she does!
You sound like you're falling into the trap of trying to assign blame here, or need to feel superior to your wife, neither of which are going to be successful strategies. If your ideal result is for her to be sober, you need to be able to do whatever it takes to support that, in a non-judgmental way. That means not drinking around her and not having alcohol in the house, if that's what she needs (and I certainly did). It may not be forever, but it's definitely a reasonable request for, say, the first year. If that's something you are just unable to do, you need to look at your own drinking problem. In a way, that might be the best thing, because then you could both be on the same side as you get sober together.
Good luck and check out the Alanon site that others mentioned.
