Hey. I admit that it is definately better than it was 10 days ago. I have a sponsor who started me reading the Big Book from the beginning and I read some everyday. I feel like every move I make has to be forced. Going out in public- even to a meeting is hard until I actually do it. The constant gnawing in my gut is less now, but it never really leaves. Of myself there is no reservation that I am powerless and alcohol has been my master. I wish I could have the spiritual experience Bill W had, sudden and drastic. Really all I want is just to feel ok. To really know inside that God is taking care of me. I feel like a hypocrit asking Him to take my life now that I have messed it up so bad. But I have no where else to turn. I keep putting one foot in front of the other- sometimes with great effort. These are hard days. If I could just get one thought that would really give me some peace. Please help.
Hey David W! It gets better. Your mind and body will go through all types of gyrations. You have to give your mind time to think being without alcohol is normal. You remember the anxiety of making sure your future supply of booze was taken care of? That type of anxiety is still heavy on your mind and it takes a bit of time to "train your brain" to see things in a sober fashion. I know others will back me up here and we will all tell you we went through the same thing and that your condition is normal. Hang in there! Tom
__________________
"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Please, dont worry so much. I know thats easier said than done
Good for you... meetings, a sponsor and 10 days without a drink, great job!
The first few days, weeks, months and sometimes even years can be tuff . But I promise you if you stay sober, go to meetings, pray, work the steps and help others your life is gonna get SO much better.
If you continue to drink ... your life is gonna get worse, guaranteed!!
And trust me, God is with you, He really, really is. He does NOT think you are a hypocrite. He loves you and He will help you thru this, one day at a time.
Oh man I did this also...anxiety and remorse...asking HP why did you stand by for me? What is it about me that you found so valuable that you would wait for me to sober up and then give me all of this stuff where I could learn how to love myself as you love me? (I had lots of questions back then) My HP's response to me was ..."because" and I was able to finish that statement later on after working steps 2 and 3 daily (still do) and steps 9, 10 and 11. In 9 and 10 I put myself on the list and in 11 I learned a daily 24/7 meditation which helps me to understand how and why HP stood by me constantly. The meditation is "God is". It is so simple and spiritually complete that I can do it while the rest of life is going on around me. Give it a shot...its a freebie. Day 11 coming up and you are still loved by HP, AA and MIP...might as well join the groups. (((hugs)))
"If I could just get one thought that would really give me some peace." Try: I am sober today. It was a great day.
All the other worrisome thoughts and wondering if you are a piece of crap and does God really care....That is overcomplicated noise that is partially your disease and partially you figuring out your new sober identity. Relax. More than anything, your HP doesn't want you to suffer any more so stop torturing yourself. Also, you should not feel like a hypocrite asking good for help cuz you messed up. That is the EXACT reason all of us turned to a Higher Power for help...because we know we can't do it on our own and have tried.
I still think you are a bit confused about what step 3 is so stop trying to do it before you complete 1 and 2. It's not about giving your life over to God like joining the clergy or something. All it is is a decision to try and live by spiritual principles and to have faith where before you were ruled by fear.
In short, breath deep. God is your friend. You have all of us, your sponsor, and the rest of AA. Don't overcomplicate things.
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
The first two weeks were physically painful and extremely uncomfortable. I found myself without prompting, saying as a mantra, "Thy Will Be Done". This concentrated power prayer got me through tough moments of craving and stress. You'll have to find something that works for you. I couldn't even imagine 30 days. And then one day at a go, I got there. At each milestone in the first year of sobriety, I felt a lifting of a burden. I worked the program in all ways I was able each day, at the level that I was capable at the time. I am still learning to live in my skin and live life sober, which I knew practically nothing about. I have been amazed at the good learning curve, all things considered. My journey has not been perfect, but it's been mine and I can tell that I never hope to go back to drinking, the horrible cravings and total anxiety trying to do anything. Life is good now, every sober day is a gift. May it be that way for you.
-- Edited by angelov8 on Monday 3rd of October 2011 01:57:26 AM
There is no need to feel like a hypocrite remember God loved us first and the we got better. I turned my back on God but he was always there for me. When I was drinking God gave me the same opportunities he gives me today but I always thought I had a better idea. In step 3 when I sought God he was there to lead me to a better life.
__________________
Tell me and I'll forget. Teach me and I'll remember. Involve me and I'll learn.
It's good to hear you're alive and well. Getting a sponsor is crucial to remaining sober my friend and you did just that, so be proud of your accomplishment. You took the first of many steps towards achieving your ultimate goal, lasting sobriety. So, keep connected...as best you can.
Try not to downplay your chances at survival either, because almighty God will have the final say... guaranteed. It takes time to re-adjust David, so give time, time and sobriety that much more. Both of which can pay many dividends in the end.
The spiritual awakening you talked about takes time as well and can be the breakthrough your heart desires. So, get involved early and keep searching for a connection, somewhere. Remember, that epiphany can come about as we work the steps, so work it out and pray for the best.
And finally...here are some quotes that can hopefully ease your mind: "Inner peace flows from the soul of divinity into the tranquil hearts of spirited people everywhere". "When my heart is peaceful, so is my world". Before we can find some piece of mind, we must first find peace within ourselves". "Better still is surrender of attachment to results, because there follows immediate peace". I hope this helps...
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Wednesday 5th of October 2011 03:31:36 AM
