Morning, I have something I have been struggleing with......I am going on 4 years sober. My program started with me in jail and a lost license. It was my second offence. It was not a easy journey but I did what I was told and with the help of AA and becoming humble I got my license back after about 2 years. Ok forward to my struggle. There is a lady who needs rides. I have helped her out frequently because I am paying it forward. But what I struggle with is not the fact that it is going quite a way out of my way to meetings its the fact that I dont see her trying to get her license back. It is my responsibility to help my fellow AA member but I sorta feel like she needs to help herself too. I have mentioned how very important it is to get documentation from meetings in order to get license back.. She starts to get papers signed and then stops. Im not her drill sargent so i dont say any more about it. i use to ride my bike to meetings in order to get papers signed. She only goes to this one meeting that meets 2 times a week. She doesnt make that one consistantly tho. I dont mean to take her inventory but what is my responsibility to help someone who doesnt help themselves????
Hi Susie! Yes we do reach out to others in need ,to the best of our abilities,but we also don't want to end up with resentments because we are feeling something we may not be saying..Honesty is the antidote to our diseased thinking....Just from an outsider looking in maybe she doesnt have $$ for insurance?,maybe she doesnt have $$$ for a car,?maybe she is just comfortable with what your doing and the way it is?? For me, especially if it was quite a ways out of my way, I would be honest with her ,tell her my feelings, maybe not be able to pick her up 'ALL" the time,not just drop her, but see how she uses her own autonomy, and maybe that would help her move forward in her endeavors. If there seems to be valid reasons why she doesnt pursue her license then it is up to you to decide how you are going to stay involved with her .We want to help ,but it is sure a thin line between help and enabling..The last thing we need are "resentments" if they start creepin in..If you can proceed without getting yourself twisted, then so be it ,if not, I always found it is better to be completely honest about our feelings and express them.You didnt say how long she has been sober so there may be different perspectives from one who is relatively new to one who has been showing up for awhile........Keep God on top of all your interactions and more will be revealed.... Let us know how it goes.....Have a blessed day!
-- Edited by mikef on Tuesday 27th of September 2011 10:02:53 AM
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
I had the same problem--but I was on the other side, like the person you are trying to help.
A lot of people did not want to help. Or they would one way only--get me there and then find own way back or; If I got there would give ride home.
I was doing everything I could by the book to get my license back--it was the system that was getting me down--I was doing things right but they wanted more or it took foreever to get court/hearing dates. Money for lawyers is not easy either--it can cost from about $700.00 to almost $5000.00 to get license back. And then in some cases you have to have a car, insurance and one of thoose breathanylizers installed in the car--not cheap either, about $120.00 per week.
So in this case you may be helping this person save up to get license back or they have had some set backs and are bummed and do not know which way to go about handling it.
Ask some questions and see what happens.
Otherwise follow your heart, higher power, God, sponsor, as to which way to handle this.
And then there's the type that just uses people, is lazy, not willing to even go to the length of a half measure.
Me, after a few rides, I want to know whether or not someone invested in their own sobriety or not. After a few hard lessons I no longer have any hesitation with trying to discern that--my car, my time, my gas, my energy, my boundaries. Yep---me-me-me!! (Finally realizing that I did not have to be an enabling AA martyr in the guise of "unconditional" 12 step work-that it actually wasn't any good for my own sobriety- was very freeing!)
Interestingly, most all of the people who helped me out like that in the early days/years eventually got around to telling me why they put themselves out for me--and it was never "just because" we're both in AA---it was always because they had seen some "willingness" and that I wasn't just a taker, floating around.
So, maybe asking the gal a few direct questions and having an honest conversation with her will reveal what the real deal is. Then you can choose what to do without second-guessing the person--whether to freely keep giving rides---whether to attach some strings---whether to stop the taxi...whatever the situation calls for at that point.
Thanks for all the input. I realize its not my job make other people get their license. I did what had to be done because I wanted mine back. Yes Kid47 I live in Michigan like you and I know how expensive it is. Its really bad. But I also know that in order to get it back I had to go to ALOT of meetings which turned out to be a huge blessing. Now I dont mind going out of my way to help and I had people who helped me. like you Leeu they saw something in me. They saw I was going to any lenghts to get sober and my life back on track. This woman wants it on her terms. She is in a very bad relationship which is abusive. So I understand she has issues. I will give her rides when I can. She called very last min. Didnt check with a lady whose is closer and ended up coming to the meeting where she was suppose to chair 10 min. late. She also was suppose to chair all the Tues. in the month of Sept. but today was the first one she made. (She forgot) Im not so sure shes not still in the madness. So before I go off and do her inventory....I have learned today that.....It is not my business if someone gets their license back. Not my business if they are doing what I think they should be doing in their program. I am to be there to help share my experience, strengh and hope only. I am not in charge. BU T I am also not some one to be used as a easier softer way because a person is to lazy to do what needs to be done to get sober and to get to meetings to get the message. The End. lol Thanks for all that commented as always a great big help!!!
There is a boundary you can draw about helping people that help themselves and you wouldn't necessarily be wrong to point out that you will be glad to help her more when you see her doing more. Until then, someone else who is really willing might need your help more and you are busy with someone that half wants it...
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thanks for your share. I've been in similar predicaments myself Susie, where people tried to use my vehicle for their own personal use. Am I a taxi? Not by any stretch of the imagination, but I am willing to make some sacrifices for the good of the program. I must draw a line in the sand somewhere, unfortunately, especially if someone tries to take advantage of me -which my friend Ron did before I caught on.
He was one of the first members I met early on in sobriety and a person I was truly grateful for. He not only clued me in on some important aspects of living sober, but also helped me with some of my predispositions -which kept me from experiencing God's best. He was also known for one other thing, asking for rides. Now, I don't mind giving rides to people -especially if they need one, but I quickly found out something I didn't know. This gentleman, not only had the means and money to afford his own way to a meeting, but also enjoyed mooching off other people as well -mainly because he was too cheap. That, my friend, was truly revolting. So, how did I find this out?
I went to speak at his home group, on behalf of my good friend Ralph and was shown something truly alarming, where he lived. He lived in what looked like a mansion with all the trimmings, including a high priced vehicle in the garage. I thought, wow...what a jerk. I mean, this guy was bumming rides off me while living in what can only be described as high class surroundings. I guess that could explain the reason behind his actions and why he chose the local donut shop as our meeting place. He was either too ashamed of his lifestyle, or too cheap to admit it. Whatever the case, it was the last ride I ever gave him -Period.
What did I learn from this misadventure? Simple really, We're not doormats -like halfwolf said earlier, so don't become one. I can only travel so far before I need to say enough. I'm not taxi service, so don't tread on me that way. I would speak candidly with that person and inform them of any changes I feel needs mentioning. Then, watch and listen for further instructions. Don't get me wrong, I do realize the importance of helping people, but there is an extent to which I feel obligated. The rest is up to the other person, not me. I will continue to help people in and out of recovery, because I feel it's the right thing to do. However, there's a fine line between love and abuse, and when it comes to that, I will in no way give in. I hope this helps.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Friday 30th of September 2011 03:30:43 PM
There is a saying " Carry the message, not the alcoholic" . Trying to help others never does us any harm, but the time and energy you spend with someone who is half hearted about their recovery might do more good with someone who is really willing to go to any lengths. The book tells us to work only with those who are willing.
Whenever I have had questions or concerns about helping another alcoholic my sponsor has always directed me to chapter 7 Working with Others.
Im from Michigan too. Have had 2 dui offenses and been thru the judicial system's requirements to regain my drivers licence. It wasn't fun, and it was very, very costly.
During the time I was without a licence many ppl gave me rides to meetings and I was grateful, but at the same time felt like I was somewhat imposing. I dont ever remember anyone refusing me a ride.
One old timer in particular ... Tom D. gave me so many rides, and I always thanked him saying I felt bad cuz it was somewhat out of his way to pick me up. He told me not to worry about it cuz' someday Id be able to return the favor. And I have, many times.
Sometimes, we just never know what Gods plan is for us, or others for that matter. And I do know that it says in our book, we must act the Good Samaritan, every day. A kind act once in awhile just doesn't cut it.
It is my belief Susie that you are doing the right thing. Your heart is in the right place. And , you're staying sober right?
