8 days in and the poisoned thoughts were starting today...I found today that my first reaction to emotional discomfort and fear is to take a drink. I found that I was envisioning myself sitting at a bar with a beer in front of me...for a second this seemed like a valid solution to what I was feeling -- again, no mental defense against a disease that centers in my mind and my thinking...when I thought about calling my temporary sponsor, I told myself "you're bothering him...he doesn't want to talk to you...he can't help you anyway"...
So I'm an impulsive, emotional reactor who gives little thought to the consequences...but today I didn't take a drink. Instead, I came home and listened to recovery audio available on the internet...I called my temporary sponsor (who was at a meeting and I'm supposed to call him back later)...and I went to a meeting with a great speaker who hit on some great points. So instead of beating myself up about what was going on in my sickened mind, I've got to say to myself "you DID good" for the action I took in spite of my sick thinking today. This is evidence to me of a Power greater than myself working in my life if I am only willing to let it happen...
I'm scared...I have impending financial difficulties due to my last binge...I have people who are angered and distrust me...all of these things weigh heavily on my thinking...and yet I honestly believe today that none of that really matters absent my proactively working to stay clean and sober...to me this willingness is demonstrated in my actions -- taking advice and doing things that seem foreign and contrary to my nature because I really have no more answers...
Part of my demonstrated commitment is checking in here...expressing my thoughts in writing which I like to do, and getting feedback from those of you who have gone down this road before...thank you so much for helping me.
Thanks for the share. You didn't take a drink voyager, so be proud of that. The next step, of course, is getting to a point where alcohol is no longer a viable option. That takes time and patience, my friend, something I'm all too familar with. I suffered through some unusual circumstances early on in sobriety too Voyager and my first inclination -of course- was to take a drink as well -rather than confront the dilemma with a sober demeanor like my sponsor would. Even though my mindset was shaky and my foundation weak, my sponsor had a way of comforting me, even through the emotional benders of life. He provided me with some sober reassurances that would eventually put my mind at ease, laying the foundation for what would truly become my spiritual awakening. That epiphany led me to where I am today and my prayer for you is one in the same. Remember, "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of all things, and no good thing ever dies. Ever...So keep growing, my friend, and never give up on hope. We won't, either should you.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Thursday 29th of September 2011 03:07:02 AM
Hey Voyager, Welcome. If you can stay with the program, you will not believe the change that comes into your life. Also, you came here which is something. Give all the problems to your HP. Your job is to stay sober. Keep us posted! Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
and yet I honestly believe today that none of that really matters
Good job doing what you needed to do to stay sober today! And you're right about all that 'other stuff'. If you keep putting you're sobriety 1st for awhile, the other stuff will work itself out too in due time.
Awesome! that's the way it is done. Somewhere in there you thought having the drink through and saw the eventual outcome. Took action to stay sober. Powerful example of how it works.
Hi Voyager, your peculiar mental twist is common to most, if not all, us alcoholics so nothing new there. Like others have said, the fact you stayed sober today is the one that counts. We all come in with fears and problems and drinking as a solution to them is the most normal thing for an alcoholic to do, or at least it was until we developed a different way of life through the 12 steps. In them you will find a way of life that will enable you to face lifes problems with courage, to live happily and effectively. Many of the problems you are now concerned about will sort themselves out, and as you work your way through the steps you will find it will be possible for you to rejoin the human race and hold your head high again. Keep talking to your sponsor, keep up the meetings, and study the first 164 pages of the Big Book. And above all, work those steps with your sponsor.
The message of hope in action,beautiful! Keep coming back.What a wonderful way,after my morning meditations(as soon as my eyes open in my bed,,the first miracle of this day)my spiritual readings and then checking in with others, to "put on the armor of God " before I enter the arena of life!!!Blessing of this day,continue your journey ,a day ,an hour or a minute at a time.WE are here for each other!!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
That's how you work it Voyager! It took me over a month to stop automatically heading down the beer/wine aisle at the grocery and convenience store. I would find myself standing in front of all the wine bottles and them almost scream "NO!" outloud. That scared me how engrained the behavior was. It took almost a year for me to stop feeling like I was going to be "struck drunk" against my will.
So, I think we all identify with what you wrote, but this doesn't mean to let up on recovery at all. It means keep doing what you did and do it every day for the same result.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Oh yeah...and posting here often is a good idea too. I found this board at 72 days sober which was back in 2008. I am now 1 week from 3 years sober and it is over 1000 days later. MIP is a big part of my sobriety even though it can't take the place of meetings, sponsor, stepwork....it is a great way to get feedback from multiple people with good sobriety.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
....also I'm grateful for you bringing that here because I need to hear the twists and turns another alcoholic takes in staying sober. These become extra skills I need and may use on a daily basis as I admit the disease is incurable and cunning, powerful and baffling. Each new thing I learn from another alcoholic regardless of their sober time is gold for me and I stay grateful. I never forget that I haven't learned it all so I keep coming back and listening to shares like yours. Keep doing what you did and you will continue being sober. Keep listening and practicing and you will continue to have time.
