Hey everyone -- just wanted to say hello and let this be the beginning of my journey to sobriety. I have wanted to go to a meeting today but I have not been given my keys back yet...that should come tomorrow...I am committing to go to one tomorrow which will be a big step for me to return...
The horrors of this last bout of drinking and using were unlike ever before. I ended up in the hospital ER due to my having hallucinations of people trying to kill me. I even accused my poor father of trying to lure me outside so that a sniper could get me and called 911 myself...at this point, I know that if I don't stop, I'm going to end up dead...my disease has progressed to a critical point where I will either recover or die...I am not confused about this...
I attended my first meeting in 1990...now, 20+ years later, I return again after many travels through the revolving door...please keep me in your prayers...I am so tired of the self-destruction and pain I inflict upon others...it has come to a point where I have to choose -- death or life in recovery. At this moment, and at this time, I choose recovery...my only hope is the path that you people tell me will change my life.
Welcome. Thanks for saying hello. I pray that you will get well and help the many newcomers who seek to hear about recovery from this dreaded disease of alcoholism. Find a good sponsor and commit yourself to that individual to do the program of the 12 steps. This what I did and I got well despite myself. The times when I got complacent or proud it was my sponsor who brought me back to sanity. Today I can say that he saved my life, because I was not ready for recovery back then. Please post often so that we may know how you are. God bless.
Hello Voyager, your post hits home. I came in in '89 , the year before you did, after a couple years of "the revolving door". I was having halucinations also and that was the scariest part of my story. Have you tried a rehab followed up by a halfway house? Living with successfully recovering people sure helped me through the 1st 3.5 years.
Thank you for the well wishes...yes, I have tried many different forms of "treatment" -- in-patient long-term, in-patient short-term, intensive outpatient, therapy, counseling, psychiatry...you name it, I've tried it, including what I thought was an honest attempt at taking the 12 Steps with a sponsor...at this point I'm wondering whether or not I have some sort of underlying mental illness/condition that is propelling me to constantly harm myself with drugs/alcohol...I couldn't even give you a half-way logical reason for even picking up the first one anymore because it clearly only brings about harm to myself and others...I've been homeless and living in shelters several times over this...one would think that some of the "bottoms" I've experienced would have been enough to bring about the willingness to change...and yet, on an impulse, I go back down the same old path of misery...I am at the verge of something here, though -- one way or another, my life cannot continue down this path...I'm worn, I'm tired, and I simply give up...now I just need someone to take my hand and say "this way..." -- I will surely follow...
Voyager...welcome! I look forward to hearing about your recovery. You sound like you might be at that point where recovery/AA is the last house at the end of the street. That sounds bad, but it's actually good.
You stated "I'm worn, I'm tired, and I simply give up...now I just need someone to take my hand and say "this way..." -- I will surely follow..." Get a good sponsor and do what they say and it will work out.
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Voyager, don't give up before the miracle happens. It takes what it takes, every last drink. All you need is faith that you can have what we have if you keep coming back. For me it took going to a meeting every day for 3.5 years and living with other recovering AAs for the same amount of time, just to get in the habit of not drinking and going to meetings a 1000 times in a 1000 days.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 18th of September 2011 11:20:28 PM
Welcome. Thanks for saying hello. I pray that you will get well and help the many newcomers who seek to hear about recovery from this dreaded disease of alcoholism. Find a good sponsor and commit yourself to that individual to do the program of the 12 steps. This what I did and I got well despite myself. The times when I got complacent or proud it was my sponsor who brought me back to sanity. Today I can say that he saved my life, because I was not ready for recovery back then. Please post often so that we may know how you are. God bless.
Amen...welcome to "MIP". We'll be here to support you every step of the way. We promise.
I went to a meeting tonight -- it was a round-robin and when it got to me, I just said that I was there because I wanted to stop drinking/using and that I needed help but I didn't know how to ask or really what to do and that I was afraid to ask. But I asked anyway...3 people gave me their phone numbers...I've been given those before too, but I never used them...I am going to try something different since I am convinced that I can't stop without help and since it is beyond obvious that my way does not work...I am going to call those guys tomorrow, even if I don't have anything to say...I'm not going to let fear stand in my way -- what is the worst that can happen??? The topic tonight was fellowship, and funny that I am such a loner and isolator that this would be the topic, but I am going to fight against my instincts and reach out to these people who were kind enough to give me their phone numbers. I have no clue what to say when I call other than I appreciate their giving me the number, and that I just want to stop drinking and I need their help...what else can I say??? Is this what I am supposed to do???
Voyager, besides working the program with a sponsor, engaging the fellowship was something that I never did until this last time around. I now realize how important it is to make new friends in the program to replace my old drinking and using friends, that I kept going back to why I'd relapse. I began making myself meet at least 2 new people at each meeting by striking up a conversation before and after each meeting. Go to some meetings at an AA club help me a lot also to get to know folks, Stick close and circle the wagons.
Great first steps. Way more follow up than most the people that come and post here. Awesome!
I would add that active alcoholism turned me into a loner and an isolater. After a few months in recovery, my social skills came back and I realized I was an extravert again. Lots of folks get stuck in addiction because they attribute the isolating to their personality and not what the disease has done to them. You won't know how much is due to what until later.
As they say...more will be revealed. Keep us posted.
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Checking in again...unfortunately, I had to work 13 hours today and could not get to a meeting. (I really couldn't dispute this with my employer given the number of days I've missed recently due to being out of my freakin' head, hallucinating, no-call/no-showing, etc. - I'm blessed to still have a job). But I did do something I've never done before. I called one of the guys who gave me their number at the meeting yesterday during my break this evening. Out of this conversation, I now have a temporary sponsor and someone to whom I can be accountable on a daily basis. I feel so proud because I know that this was something I would never do before because I had too many reservations and too much pride. There is just a sense and determination within me like I've never had before...I just have this sense that "I'm done"...I can't say that I've every really, truly, honestly conceded this to myself before...something is different this time -- an honest to goodness shear and utter disgust at the thought of picking it back up and a real belief that I need help and can get it through the Steps and Fellowship.
I'm scared and I'm hopeful all at once. I know me better than anyone, and I know that I'm seeing things, and doing things much differently...I'm not just going through the motions, but taking action based upon advice. It almost seems like a challenge to me -- you people (in recovery) have told me for years that there is a simple solution and I was always trying to complicate things in an effort to rationalize my way back to the bottle. I have no other options -- I just wanna do what you suggest and hope and pray that like others I can also find a lasting recovery and peace in this life. This last episode with me ending up in ER being told that I was experiencing psychotic hallucinations thinking that people were trying to kill me (including my own father) has scared me shitless...I don't want to go back to that place...ever...and I pray that the memory of that is sufficient to keep me willing to get sober in spite of myself...pray for me that this is true...I've lost quite a bit more in the past (in terms of the material - homelessness, no money - I'm no stranger to any of this) but this past time, I almost lost my soul...is there anyone that can relate to the sort of jarring experience that puts one finally in a place of willingness to do whatever it takes never to go back to "that place"?
Me again...another 13 hour work day and I was disappointed that I could not attend a meeting because of it. Because my supervisor knows about my situation, I told her this evening that I would really appreciate it if they would accomodate my going to a meeting tomorrow...I live in a small town and there are not too many options, so I am hopeful that I have the opportunity to go tomorrow. But again, as many times as I have disrupted the situation at work with my unplanned absences, the least I can do is make myself available when others are truly sick. With that being said, I also have to take care of me or none of it will matter anyway, and so I just was up front to her about what I needed to do tomorrow. Funny how there were times when I was forced to attend meetings by the court system, etc. that I hated them and dreaded them...now I want to be there so badly but can't...life is full of irony.
I did call my temporary sponsor after I got off work tonight and we chatted a bit. I didn't really want to do it, but I knew I needed to do it and to keep a commitment to have contact with him daily and to stay accountable to someone who can call my BS. I also look forward to checking in here...I've always loved message boards and so this is a good way for me to also stay focused on what is at hand...
If you pray, please pray for me. If you don't, please impart whatever good vibe you can my way...I hope for peace and happiness for all of you as well...one day at a time, I've been blessed with 7 days clean and sober...no small miracle for someone who lived and breathed to get drunk and/or high on a daily basis...
Voyager, check your local meeting schedule for 6 and 7 am meetings as well as noon meetings. Surely you get a lunch break and if you're working 13 hours past 8pm meetings then you must be going to work later than 7am. I "brown bagged" it for years at noon meetings. sure most people get there a couple minutes late and might have to leave a few minutes early to get back to work on time. Many of us ask our employers for a little extra time to make these meetings. Surely if you're putting in 13 hour days your employer would concede to this. It is in his best interest to have a sober employee that is punctual and productive. We have to learn to ask for what we need.
Dean -- I was working 13 hour days, but thankfully today I got off in time to make a meeting. I am in a small town and unfortunately there are no early morning meetings -- noon, 6 and 8 -- hopefully the long hours I worked the past couple days will be an anomaly. If not, I will ask for leave to attend, because there won't be a job anyway if I don't...
There was a lady there who was espousing what I believe to be a very limited interpretation of her "Higher Power" today and in fact talking about working out of a "12 Step Bible" which I have actually looked at before. I felt some of the old emotions of anger and resentment bubbling because she was talking more dogma than recovery...there was a time when I would have clung to this as proof positive that the program will not work for me...while I don't perceive myself ever accepting her version of a "Higher Power", today I was able to accept that her idea does not have to be mine...better yet, I did not close my mind to the possibility that maybe that version would work for me too...at this point, whatever works, and if her conception of a Higher Power keeps her sane and sober, more power to her...
I know I am a bit ahead of myself, I just want to continue to reaffirm that my approach this time is going to be different whether I like it or not, and that comes from a level of desperation that I have not faced before...I'm not going to give in to the old feelings that have so often led me down the path of rationalizing my way back to the bottle. I refuse today to hand over the choice I have to get better to another person...I'm making this decision for me. I believe in the program and no one is going to take that away from me...I just won't allow that today...I've got the willingness like always, but recognizing an old belief and disposing of it today is a new level of open-mindedness for me. I have a right to heal just as much as the next and nothing anyone has to say can take that away from me.
Voyager, over time as you stay sober, your faith will grow. It took a while of being sober to have any serious faith for me. I only had faith in meetings, sponsor, and I just tried my best to connect with "God" as I understood for the first year. That was good enough for me. There are others on this site more dogmatic than me and I respect them for that...Happycamper and Gonee would be examples of people with a more christian higher power than me but it's all good cuz neither pushes their views and both are people I can learn from. It takes all types to keep AA going. I appreciate them as much as people in AA that talk about their higher power being "the great mystery" or a tree or something. I'm somewhere in the middle.
Anyhow, I suggest you making new threads each day or every few days. I didn't realize you were checking in repeatedly as the thread kept getting further down. Sounds like you are doing pretty well for the first week. Just remember that this is truly the last time you ever have to go through early sobriety. It's a bumpy ride, but this is the hardest part. Also, the more you call your sponsor, the more it will be habit and you will start to like it and want the feedback.
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
