I'm not working the program. I'm tired of the program. I want to be sober and I'm bored. So, It's become a 24oz. here...a 24oz. there. Got that Illusion of Control going on.
My experience is the best way to get the desperation needed to work the Program is to not work it, and the best way to get to the place where I am ready and willing to get sober is keep drinking, I keep doing what I am doing until it is so painful I can't do it any more and then I make the decision and take the action to change
For some of us, especially me this was/is a tedious processs
So keep doing what you are doing until you are done, and if you do decide to get sober at some point, rumor has it working the steps with a competent sponsor gives us a personality change so we are so comfortable in our skin we don't need to drink in order to change the way we feel because we found inside us what we were looking for inside the beer bottle
the sense of ease and comfort I found for alcoholics of my type can only be found in two places
more alcohol, until more alcohol doesn't work any more
The Program of AA which is found in the Big Book of AA, and strangely enough isn't found in meetings and rehab encounter groups that talk about triggers and dumping about our day and talking about our feelings, but is found by working the steps, and the program of AA ultimately teaches us are answers are found within (Sometimes we had to search fearlessly, but He was there. He was as much a fact as we were. We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis, it is only there that He may be found. It was so with us.)
What we come looking for, we come looking with
I wish you the best, I really do Rob, I hope you find the peace you are so desperately seeking
-- Edited by LinBaba on Sunday 11th of September 2011 12:34:45 PM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I felt 'in control' once. When I opened that 1st beer omg it tasted so good.
Three years later, after my marriage and family life was destroyed, my lawyer was telling me maybe I should go back to A.A. I would of saved myself alot of greif if only I'd actually BELIEVED the 1st step applied to me.
Aloha Rob...coming back into the MIP room with that share says alot for me and I'm grateful. As I was taught there is a big difference between being dry and sober. Boredom is spoken about alot in recovery cause there are alot of other things mind, body, spirit and emotions hooked into boredom. Boredom use to and still does concern me when it comes to my sobriety cause I know in boredom I use to say "I don't know what to do and then leave it up to habit and compulsion and then obsession". It was easy to just turn myself over to habit/addiction and that usually means letting something else control me rather than the other way around. Sobriety means, for me, that I control my drinking habit, compulsion and obsession and I have learned that the only way I can do that is to work "the" program rather than default into "my" program.
Sooo is a 24 ouncer a sign of progression or the dropping off point? While you're doing what it is that you're doing try remembering the stuff you learned along the way. You're drinking in spite of it; the insanity part. You have two other choices.
Was wondering where you'd gotten off to. Glad to see you back. Boredom is so dangerous...and sometimes I can't tell the difference between boredom that I need to do something about and contented serenity, which is sometimes suddenly unfamiliar and uncomfortable and then I need to deal with that. I never get tired of "the program" but I do sometimes get tired of the trappings and rituals, especially with small towns and limited meetings with the same few (relatively) people. That is one of the uplifting, regenerating, things I get from online recovery forums...gives me an expanded pool from which to take (and give) the life-water of sobriety.
Welcome back I hope. Jump back in and get some balance with program, family, work and any kind of pastime/ relieve from bordom other than the shit that will kill you!!
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Ugh, that was the worst period for me, when I first tried to get sober and kept relapsing because I would have one beer or glass of wine, and it seemed fine. Over time those "one beers" would get closer together and I would go on a binge and follow that with some sober time. Only by trying this repeated "experimentation" did I realize that at least for me, even if it was fine at that moment to have a drink and then stop, it would eventually lead to problems. Welcome back and I hope that whatever way it works out for you is what keeps you happy.
I am glad that my bottom was just so convincing for me that I dont ever want to go back. I don't work a perfect program at all, but I know my life is better without alcohol. A 24 ounce never made me feel good. It was always always more. I feel blessed to not be confused about that.
Welcome back Rob. There are times you are allowed to work the program less stringently than others (even though this does fly in the face of constant vigilance - I guess it's just my opinion). This doesn't have to mean a relapse though. I go through periods of going to less meetings and not focusing on steps. Then I have issues and find solutions in the program. Through all of this, I don't need to drink....and neither do you. There is no requirement of loving the program at all times.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 11th of September 2011 11:14:02 PM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
It's good to hear from you. I'm also sorry to hear about your predicament. Remember, there's still hope, my friend, and my prayer for you is one of good intentions more than anything. The illusion you're referring too has more to do with lack of control more than anything. You can't control certain outcomes, but you can control how you respond to certain events. How we respond will likely determine your next course of action and whether you'll stay sober or not. I hope you realize, that any attempt to control matters outside our sphere of influence will only complicate things further. The only thing we can influence is our own decisions to remain sober or not. You've got to make the right choice why you still can. So please stop, put down the booze and give yourself a fighting chance at staying sober one day at a time. I hope you make the right decision for today. We will support you every step of the way. We promise...
Ah Rob, my brother, revisit step one, discover and embrace your powerlessness. Write down the chronology of your last drunk and see the progression. we don't need alcohol, we might just want it........look at your just for today card and practice the suggestions in that....come on back Bro, it gets better and easier with time and work.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Thanks. I don't wanna go "back out". You're right, Bill. I just want it. I don't need it. I want a lot of experiences, but that particular experience can get fatal quick. Thanks ya'll. Maybe MIP is some of what I need.
This post gives me chills because my drinking dreams are like that. I don't dream that I'm drinking right then, but that I've been sneaking drinks here and there all along. So when I wake up from the dream, it takes some thought to sort it all out because I wake up with the false memories.
last night peaked out. Took the hard stuff home, did my domestic duties and got tore up. Told my wife, too. Trigger? I had to do some "work-from-home" kinda stuff last two hours of my day. My wife got called in and she's in health care, I'm in advertising. Anyone who thinks my job is more important than hers is effed in the head permanently and forever.
I'm kinda workin' at home; writing ads, sending in orders, making light-duty phone calls and 45 minutes before end of my day I get a call from the station..."That big account just sent in two ads to start tomorrow. We have to force the paperwork through." So instead of laying MY sales duties on someone else, I went to the station, baby on hip, and did my job. The co-owner (she-troll) was there.
"Are you takeing a day off?" (obviously not, passive-aggressive see-you-next-tuesday) "No. We had an unforseen and I'm here to do my job....."(cut off) "Well, it's a vacation-day now. Go home." "I also have to discuss an appointment with Bob (other owner) regarding a 7:30 appointment with one of our event co-ordinators for this weekend."
finger...in...face. "I just told you to go home. You're wasting your vacation day. By my count, this was your last one. Go enjoy it."
I'd been bullied. I'd been abused. I don't deal with well. I don't deal with it at all. I bought enough to do the job and went home. I made dinner. I helped the kids with their homework. I changed diapers. I got drunk. Wife got home after handling two "codes" and it wasn't until after dinner that she said "did you take too many meds?" "No. I'm drunk."
She was Holy Mother understanding and forgiving. I'm giving notice on the 30th. I'm going to live for a while as a Professional Father. Maybe take some night-classes. Maybe after an adequate healing period, try to sell some free-lance copywriting work.
Haven't called my sponsor yet. Scared. I prayed all day yesterday "please take this urge from me." and then...I wasn't a man at that moment. I was a six-year old boy asking the big kids to "please stop kicking me". Within an hour my HP was forgotten. I felt the "all-better-now"s coming on.
Fuck. Normal people don't get the "all-better-now"s. Only an alkie can get that much satisfaction from a drink. Fuck.
7 months ago, I went through complete turmoil from my job that I had since starting in sobriety. My boss was such a witch. Anyhow, I wound up exposing her for like 80 bazillion ethical problems SHE had and I was suspended 6 days from work while they investigated my harassment complaint on her...which was valid. Either way, I realized in that time that I couldn't work for that company any more. It was too corrupt. I got a new job after blasting like 20 resumes a day out.
My point. Part of this disease is that we throw in the towel too easy. Look Rob, someone putting their finger in your face and screaming is harassment. You don't have to take that. You have options. The first option should not be get drunk and quit. I worry that stay at home dad lifestyle is going to be a bigger trigger to drink...smoke pot...whatever than work. Just based on kinda knowing you.
It's not unusual to plan a new career in your 40s. Actually it's pretty common. BUT - you are not gonna see the positive result of this midlife/identity crisis if there is too much self pity involved.
You are a very smart man. Put that resume out everywhere and see what turns up. Then when you have some better options.....play hard ball. Forget about drinking and self pity. You don't have time for that, your family doesn't, and your kids don't.
My 2 cents.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Well ... if you're anything like me you'll eventually get to a point where you won't have to make excuses to get drunk. You'll just wake up, say fuck it and start drinking.
(((((Rob))))) (those are huggies which might decrease self pity intensity and then they only worked for me after years of sobriety (not drinking type) and I had started to habitualized working the program...for me.
Your last post raised the voices of elder sponsors..."If you've been drinking don't do any thinking and don't react to anything at all." I'm grateful you conjured that up cause it was program rocket science for me then...didn't understand but practiced.
I get the picture that you're doing target practice with a higher powered weapon at a target shaped alot like your foot. Go fetch your recovery notes that you took over the first months of your journey in sobriety. Those notes are still valid though they came from a sober, excited version of yourself. That boy had what was needed at that time and has got the experiences, strength and hope which can support you now along with the AA fellowship in your town and the MIP/AA fellowship here.
You're smart...we know that cause we've listened while you've traveled the journey. You're alcoholic...and we know that also cause we've been there and done that to a man and it didn't work then and isn't working for you either. First yell for help?
Scream UNCLE!! and then the FIRST STEP and then get in the car and go to a meeting letting your HIGHER POWER drive (you don't get a DUI when God's driving).
I've done UNCLE!! ...worked. FIRST STEP was the first sane thing I've ever remembered reading and coming to understand. Letting HP drive...signed over the truck to God. Decision to let your wife be responsible while you hang out? Not judging but doesn't sound fair,honest and just. (for me...that is).
Rob, you're walking through hell in a gasoline suit. John Bradshaw said "An alcoholic is a Man on fire that runs into the sea, and drowns". Putting the plug in the jug is just the prerequisite for sobriety. It's not sobriety itself. Finding out what lights the fire, through the steps, so that we can make the changes in ourselves that removes this flammable suit that we're wearing is the pathway to sobriety, serenity, and Peace. I remember feeling very bored at 3-9 months. I felt like my life had no meaning, no flavor, no rewards. This was a combination of my disease talking to me and brain chemistry beginning to flatten out from the roller coaster ride that it had been on for years. One day I thought about these feelings of "boredom" and rationalized that boredom was good. Boredom meant that my @$$ wasn't on fire, the cops weren't chasing me, I had food to eat, bills were getting paid, and I wasn't getting evicted. Boredom was the bottom floor of serenity. We have to learn to be still, embrace boredom, for serenity to develop. It only happens when we quit looking for the "big bang" out of life. We have to grow up and realize that we are not going to be constantly entertained. It's a maturity thing, and a sober thing. Welcome back, look for the missing elements in your program and get exited about the process. Tell us about the meetings that you chaired, the service jobs (making coffee, setting up the room, greeting people at the door...) and about your sponcees. Did you get "bored" with all that? or is it not happening?
Hi Rob, just wanted to give you a hug from cyber space. I have been there with the kids,jobs,husbands etc. What I found out was those things were not my triggers they were symptoms just like the alcohol and drugs. I remember hearing in a meeting that we have character defects that was blocking us. What are character defects? Selfishness(self-centeredness), dishonesty, fear, resentment. The most fatal one is resentment. I got a sponsor and my sponsor showed me how to apply the 12 steps in my life "one day at a time". Do I still have character defects today? Of course. The difference is that I am able to apply the 12 steps in my life when these pop up because they will pop up daily. The character defects(me) do not drive as much today. My life is better inspite of the defects(me). The joy of this is learning about myself more, having healthy relationships with people and getting closer to my higher power. Keep Coming Back and allow us to love you until you are able to love yourself more. This is what the fellowship of AA continue to do for us if we allow them too Cyber hug and Keep Coming Back!
Yo AM! I am glad you are here telling the tale. You know I've been there-done that. Most of us had. You have given your permission to yourself to indulge. We both know you are powerless. You will drink until you really surrender. I like the idea of quitting work if you can. Find something you love to do. The most important thing now is keeping it simple. (The "if you can" is the big question based on the $ situation) Rob, are you saying that you are getting back on the wagon or are you saying you are going to keep drinking? Where were you spiritually before the 1st drink? You know, your progress has been right in the normal bell curve for this disease. You are not outside of normal in your progression. That's not permission, its fact. You feel worse about it than your sponsor will so give him/her a call ASAP and own up. Why was your wife so understanding? Its because you have done so well and she actually feels like this is a slip verses a habit. That is huge progress, and it should be an incentive when you get sober and think about it. All the above posts are great, but re read SP Deans. It is gold.
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
