Butterfly,
You know your life is falling apart, and as much as you think you may be able to hide it from others, you cannot hide the truth from yourself. I can relate to how you feel, about your drinking, how about maybe it isn't as bad as a real alcoholic's drinking, about feeling like you should be strong enough to quit on your own and then the sense of utter and complete hopelessness when you find you cannot. You see, the reason why I know how you feel is because I have felt that way too. After two years of telling me how sick I was, how I was killing myself, and how I should be able to stop if I really wanted to, my husband had had enough. He gave me an ultamatim....Get sober or get out... I hated him at that moment, but I did sign myself into outpatient treatment. I knew I could not stop on my own, I had tried many times. When the counselor told me I had to attend at least 2 meetings a week, I told her flat out"No way, that's not for me. I cannot and will not go into an AA meeting and discuss my problem with a bunch of complete strangers, alcoholics, no less." You see, I didn't think I was THAT bad, I just needed to learn to control my behavior so my husband wouldn't make me leave...did I mention I have an adult son with autism that I care for full time? He told me I would go, and I would NOT be taking my son with me. Well, that was not an option for me. So I started treatment and AA meetings as a way to save my marriage and my family. Until I wanted it for myself, for my sanity and my sake, I was not successful in staying sober. Since the day I surrendered and truly gave myself over to my Higher Power, he/she/it has guided me one day at a time and enabled me to begin my recovery journey. That has been a little over 2 1/2 months ago, although I have been attending AA since January of this year. You see, I had to learn how to surrender, and how to want sobriety and recovery for myself, not for my husband or my kids or anyone/anything else. I attend at least one face to face meeting every day, and I have a sponsor who is taking me through the Steps, helping me to learn them and how to apply them to my life. You do not have to have a belief in God to be sober, to attend AA meetings, or to have recovery. You do have to admit that you cannot do it on your own, and believe that a power greater than yourself can help you. How you define that power is up to you. Why don't you commit to one face to face meeting in your area. Get your phone book, look up AA, call the hotline. You can ask for someone to call you, or if there is a woman who can take you to a meeting, or even just where a meeting is. Speaking from experience I can tell you that there will be someone there willing to help you, and your life can improve beyond anything you can ever imagine....if you can take that first step, go to that first face to face meeting. I will pray for you to find the courage to take that first step. Please try. Peace.

Hi butterfly,

Welcome back. All of us, at one time or another, have been in a place where uncertainty rules unwittingly. Staying sober, has more to do with certain unwavering commitments we make every day. One of them has to do with the obvious, drinking or not? These hard fought battles can turn even the strongest amongst us into quivering fools, so don't be too hard on yourself, not just yet. What is needed all along is a "psychic change" which can cause us to seek out a redemptive cure, above all else. When that does occur -which it eventually will, you finally realize -without reservation- that you have indeed arrived...unmistakably. And that's when your life begins to unfold like it should. Stick around dear, it will happen, guaranteed.

My suggestion dear, other than finding some sort of alternative counseling in addition to your sober routine, is to find some practical choices that can shake those urges to drink, when need be. The implications of ongoing alcohol abuse can cause a severe emotional reaction, so the proper implementation of principle based protocols is crucial. How that can affect us personally is -as you know, crucial as well. Basically, there is a solution, dear, and it starts with you. 

Like "Nezyb" said, you must do it for yourself and not anyone else. It's a personal choice we make, even though it affects everyone, especially our family. At the end of the day, it's about the choices we make, not anyone else. Perhaps, this is your wakeup call, a realization above all else, the end result of what can only be surmised as a bad decision gone awry. Maybe, you need more help than previously imagined, my friend. And that's where "AA" and recovery services comes into play. Believe me, it will be the best decision you'll ever make, bar none.

Your one step away from becoming the next miracle, butterfly, and the first step is where it started for me some 10+ years ago. That's where I suggest you start. Remember, you're worth saving. Keep growing, keep praying, and keep believing in miracles until you become one yourself. Trust me dear, you will...one day at a time.

~God bless~

 

-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 10th of September 2011 03:19:38 AM

 

((((((Butterfly)))))) please re-read Nezyb's response over and over until you get to the next available meeting and take it with you so that you can re-read it over and over until the next meeting and so on.  How she has done it is how it is done. 

Mahalo Nezyb for the lantern light.  ((((hugs))))