...is none of my business. Of course I know this saying like the back of my hand. Along with..."Don't allow others to live in your head rent free."
My problem is that some AA lessons are easier for me than others. I think I have a good AA foundation. I have tried to work the steps to the best of my ability. However, I still find myself obsessing over stupid crap, other's opinions of me, and thinking I can control this kind of stuff. So pointless. This pattern is really starting to make me feel sick.
I know the solution is in the steps. It was easier to acquire the skills to just quit drinking, quit smoking, lose weight. Change my personality!!? Dang. Friggin emotional sobriety...
I want to mellow out more and stop being overly sensitive, overly opinionated, and obsessing in my thoughts. I know some of you guys worked your way through this. I know many will say the steps probably were the answer and I need to rework them now that I have a keener awareness of how all these character defects play out.
I kind of feel like I had the experience of "OMG, I stopped drinking and realized I am a friggin baby!" Now it's like, "OMG, I worked so hard on not being a baby...now I'm a toddler!" WTF.
I'm open to suggestions. I will talk to my sponsor about it too.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
for myself ..i did not come into the program looking for friends..i came to save my ass..this is not a popularity contest as far as im concerned. the only way the "group" opinion can hurt me is if the rumor mill has spread something that is clearly a lie..i have been unhappy when this has happened..my sponsor and close friends informed me that "time" reveals all and indeed in the long run, i was vindicated and the liars proven to be what they were...once i spoke at a meeting and afterwards a girl walked up to me and said "your a bitch"...i said "you dont know me good enough to call me that yet" and laughed. The people who spend a lot of time taking everyone else inventory are usually doing this cause they dont want to look at their own..i have done this myself and when called on it, changed it..when i find my brain spending time taking some one elses inventory, i remark to myself.."hmmm., interesting..apparently im in a I am completely recovered and can take their inventory place, cause im perfect now" ..lol..anyways, just my 2 cents . (hugs)
I love the thread PChip...this was an important part of growth for me especially in trust and in courage. When I caved into the realization that I needed others to help me get to sobriety and serenity I knew that reaching out to them was gonna be a crap shoot, I wasn't always gonna get good stuff on good terms and then perfection isn't a part of the program just progress so I learned to elicit the feedback from others about how they "saw me and experienced me and did they think that at times I was only talking the walk and not walking it. I needed the feedback and was learning to set personalities aside. The outcome was awesome as I allowed others into my life along with sponsors and counselors. I came out of my isolationism and grew from the fellowship. Yes I did have the philosophy of my other program of Al-Anon that encouraged me to take what I liked and leave the rest (for later or when ever). At times the feedback was a bit overwhelming however I can only take it in pieces...steps and if I had time I would get the consequences that I needed.
What other people think about me is there business and an invitation to get together and discuss and know each other and after doing that what they think about me and I about them changes also.
Thanks for your share. I try to forgo the politics of most everything besides recovery, because the bottom line for me is simple and not controversial. Basically, I get more out of a simple yet relevant story line, than anything else. The multitude of subjective and mostly convoluted opinionators can't compare to the real life stories we hear every day, not in the least. Unfortunately, these opinionators seem to lurk in the shallow graveyard of misguided souls everywhere, not just "AA". How I approach both antagonists and recovery in general has more to do with the growing needs of this wonderful fellowship at large and how I view "AA" as a whole, despite all else.
The real reason behind my motives and persuasions has more to do with my sober demeanor and how I approach life in general. I try to treat others with the same level of respect as I do my family and extended family. Unfortunately, however, that's not always the case for everyone; especially when it pertains to people outside our own little world. And that's when the tried, tested and true principles of "AA" can prove invaluable.
AA...has become for me "a magnificent reality", even through life's seemingly unstable surroundings. It still shines a beacon of hope through the tormented souls of suffering alcoholics everywhere. But, as far as the measuring stick goes, that's up to the individual to decide.
There is still, by far, some measure hope within the "AA" fellowship itself, even in the midst of some truly barbaric behavior. Unfortunately, as you all know, our human nature doesn't always respond so kindly to unruly matters, especially when we're put on the defensive with little or no support.
I have witnessed firsthand some interesting yet peculiar debates over what I consider very minuscule and pointless topics. Some of which ranged from politics to toilet paper. The end cause of these debacles was nothing less than embarrassing. These debates, fueled an unhealthy desire to further ones opinion, above all else. They would rather take a one-sided, unrealistic and unmerciful approach to life rather than a much needed mutual concessional one, which can ultimately bridge the divide rather than tearing it down. It was like the heated intoxication from alcoholism, except for the alcohol of course.
The only way to save myself from the unsparing threat of outside influences is to remain virtually neutral through it all. I would rather be contented than maladjusted and become a vital member of this wonderful fellowship rather than a subservient member of the debating society any day. When I do, something amazing happens. I get a greater glimpse of who I am and how truly rewarding my life is today, despite all else.
That's when I know, I've come to believe. And that's when the real journey began for me, one day at a time. I hope others can become a vital all inclusive member of "AA" as I have for the last 10+years, and can finally enjoy all the fruits of this wonderful sober life, for many years to come.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 10th of September 2011 01:31:04 AM
Hmmm... actually, unless I make my living subsistence farming, it DOES matter what others think of me to some extent. I have to stay employed and have enough of a support network to survive. But I get the impression you're talking more about people in AA? If so, I agree, put yourself first.
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
Hey Mark,good to see ya.Sorry we missed each other in Deerfield and I m glad Utah was enlightening for ya.We will definitely hook up! Have you ever read the small little booklet"THE FOUR AGREEMENTS"by Luis Ruiz?Very short and had one of the agreements dealing with 'Taking things personally!! Kind of paraphased but says that taking things personally is the most self centered thing we do as it 'PRESUMES EVERYTHING IS ABOUT US'!! a much different outlook then I expected when I read this...Check it out if you get a chance,its pretty cool,bout $3-$4 bucks I think.I also know that you have recently divulged some personall things in your life that may have freed you but is bringing other issues to your world.see if "inside" things are poppin up and causin little termoil??drop me an e mail if you want ,on my bio think there is a spot to send mail...peace and serenity .
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Im with ZZ ... sometimes what others think of me is important. It all depends on the situation or circumstances.
Whenever I had trouble ... with anything or anybody and I would talk to my sponsor about it, she would always, always, always ask me, " Have you prayed about it"?
soooooooo, God help me not to worry about pointless, stupid crap, or the opinions of others.
Been struggling with the emotional sobriety myself lately, so I know where your coming from Mark. Thanks for the reminder LB about things taking time. Dammit, why is MY timing not PERFECT timing? Hell, I know what's best for Brian, right? Okay, back to reality here...guess I'll just keep doin' what I'm doin' and try to enjoy the ride. My prayers are with ya Mark.
Brian
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Nothing ever truly dies. The universe wastes nothing. Everything is simply, transformed. :confuse:
It deals with boundaries. Not knowing if it's okay to just not like some people and how to handle that when it happens. How to distance myself. How to keep my mouth shut and not care what a person with no program and very little integrity thinks of me. How to deal with it when they make the most absurd hypocritical statements. How to not judge someone when they truly truly act in a wrongful and downright filthy manner. How to deal with myself being powerless over making them see how vile a person they are. This is the 2nd time I got all wound up over someone like this. Both times with people that I couldn't just ignore cuz I had to see them all the time.
I try and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but about 5 times in my life there has been a person that came a long that I just hated intensely. I even realized that the hate was making me feel yucky and gross but couldnt' stop. I think my opinions of the person were right but it didn't need to blow up so much and impinge upon my own serenity. Furthermore, their ridiculous and baseless opinions of me should have made me laugh and not made me want to kill them. The last 2 were both addicts who criticized me for going to meetings and such while they used and mistreated everyone daily... It seemed I just could not resist taking it oh so personally.... I seriously pray to handle these types of relationships better and not hand over my serenity so quickly when they occur.
I don't want to have bitchfits and tirades whether I am right or not. I want to not care.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I am SO glad pink chip you posted this topic. I feel like I am the only one that feels this way. It has been the most troublesome issue to me since my time in AA-a couple of years...I don't ever want to go back to drinking, but one thing I miss is not caring what people thought of me. I would have this wave of embarrassment and dread the next day after drinking remembering or being reminded of what I had done...but in my day to day life if someone looked at me the wrong way or was not friendly to me, I did not particularly care very much. When I came in to AA and stopped drinking, I became the super sensitive person I was before I started drinking regularly...I thought it was wisdom and maturity that made me not care so much what others thought of me, and was astounded to realize the alcohol had made me numb. I think I hold AAs to a higher standard too. I know we are just people with flaws, but I would get incensed (?sp) when some oldtimer AA would say, "It's all about the newcomer-we have to reach our hand out" and this same person would blow me off. or many people would pick and choose who they would reach there hand out to. I try to go in giving everyone a chance, I try to like everyone, but of course that is not possible. I believe in giving second chances and I think as this is a program of change, someone I may not have liked a year ago could be my best friend in 5 years...they change a little, I change a little...I think just recently I have started to mellow a little....hmm maybe in the last 2 weeks....2 weeks ago I deleted almost all of my AA contacts...I'll show them! I'll hurt me! My sponsor said I am fighting something, and I think that was what it was. At least for today I am able to let go and I feel better...I am going through my 4th step and I am trying to do the right things I think this has helped also....and the strange thing is, it really seems to be an issue with AAs...although I have friends in the program, I find many people look to exclude rather than include more so than my outside world dealings...but people constantly tell me we are sick people and some are sicker than others.
For most part I'm buying this philosophy but, as the approval seeking, people pleasing prone person that I am, sometimes my feelings beat my logic to the punch. Then I have to process it through my self esteem and realize it is a selfish thing to do, to worry about what others think. They're entitled to their opinion and it's worth squat. Now I do agree with HC that if we do hear something of truthful substance pertaining to our behavior, take a look at it for validity and act accordingly (6th, 7th, 10th step).
