My whole life depends on God being everything. Nothing mmakes much sense in my life except chaos, drama, fear ect... Now that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that way of life doesn't work, and I must learn to live life on a spiritual basis, I feel lost most of the time. The very only thought that gives me any kind of peace is NOT a certain amount of money (already had that), a certain kind of girl (already had that), living situation to be a certain way (had lots of those), it is the flimsy hope that God wants my life and has it in His concern and care. If He doesn't, then I am totally screwed to live life by my own hand (already done that plenty). The daily discomfort of battle in my mind from worry to faith back to worry again drives me to my limits. Then, in those times (which are frequent) I say to myself and God, " this life isn't mine anymore, it belongs to you, God." I've rushed through the steps many times before and I've studied with a sponsor slowly. Now I am being told to concentrate on practicing 1, 2 and 3. Step One gives me peace in the fact that surrender means I can quit fighting life now. 2 gives me hope that God is actually inerested in me enough to heal my mind. Practicing Step 3 makes me disciplined to turning my thoughts and life over to God. It helps drive away the madness of my thought life. I feel like I am playing mind tricks on myself, desperate to find some semblance of peace- to lessen the knot that rises in my gut, anxiety. Slowing down is easier sometimes. What if I'm so blocked off that God can't get through. About 75 days sober and still clinging to the hope that God will get through to me. I don't wanna live life unless He has all of my life in His constant and un-reserved care. Done babbling now. I don't ever wanna be a freakin' newcomer again!
I love this and this is almost exactly the type of questioning and work I was doing at 75 days sober. A true spiritual journey. If you could somehow get up the mountain without climbing some seriously difficult and jagged rocks, the whole experience wouldn't be worth it. When you get that year medallion and look backwards at all you have done and all that has transpired, you wil know God (or your HP) had your back the whole time because you will be in undoubtedly so much of a better spot in life due to trying to live spiritually AND living sober. Fortunately or unfortunately, that is how your faith grows stronger....By looking backwards on how miraculous things turned out and by then having faith in the future unknown (this way we can live in today). So anyhow, what I was told when I had this serious discomfort and anxiety during my first few months sober was "If you don't believe, believe that I believe." This IS going to happen for you if you just let it.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
David, sounds like you're right where you're supposed to be. I used to hate it when my Sponsor told me that. I'm an Alcoholic; I want things now damn it........
I've learned that he was right. I second what Pinkchip's experience has been. Like him, my faith and trust in God was a process for me. My faith and trust continues to grow as I see God working in my life. It takes time; our woarst enemy sometimes. This is a Journey, not a Sprint. Continue to practice The Program and growth will take place. You focus on sobriety and God will allow happiness to enter into your life.
I have this posted on my computer screen. It's a great reminder for me that most of life is none of business and not in my control.
Step 3: from the 12 & 12
The willingness to give up my PRIDE and SELF-WILL to a Power greater than myself has proved to be the only ingredient absolutely necessary to solve all of my problems today. Even the smallest amount of willingness, if sincere, is sufficient to allow God to enter and take control over my problem, pain, or obsession. My level of comfort is in direct relation to the degree of willingness I possess at any given moment to give up my self-will, and allow God's will to be manifested in my life. With the key of willingness, my worries and fears are powerfully transformed into serenity.
David W...great post and this is how almost all recovering alcoholics I have had the pleasure and grace to be around have done it. It is a journey not a sprint.
In early days I learned that I could have never out distanced God and that when I stopped running the gentle bump I felt at my back was God just behind me. Now God is all around me. God just is and doesn't have to do anything anymore. Like you it is up to me to keep the contact. "God is" is my meditation...I can do this meditation 24/7 and don't need a mountain top or yoga position or candles or incense or any other thing to hold that spiritual truth. As I have learned that God is revealed is more ways and things and people and events than I ever did believe before getting into recovery.
For me, taken from my spiritual readings and incorporated into my life, 'Faith is being sure of what we hoped for ,and certain of what we have not seen.My faith beliefs on the God of my understanding have always been the same"God" but through the process of life, application of spiritual principles and evidence of miracles in my life(starting with opening my eyes each day)has been a "growing process a definite change in the relationship to one of love and caring,not of fear and punishment..."WE CAME TO BELIEVE" IF GOD IS FOR US,WHO CAN STAND AGAINST US!!great post thanks....
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Go forward, my friend, there's nothing to lose. You're beginning a new way of life, so don't expect too much so soon. Your only one step away from the ultimate epiphany, my friend, so stay close and never give up hope. We won't, either should you. God will be there when you need him too, just look around and see. He's everywhere and in everything, guiding us through the storms of life. God will always be our "strong tower" through it all. We promise.
For some, the presence of an all-powerful God is obvious. For others, the lack of an all-powerful God is obvious. After bouncing back and forth on this question for much of my life, never fully buying into one or the other, I finally realized why.
The idea that there is an all-powerful being that created and controls everything in the universe is completely mind blowing. The idea that there isn't one is equally mind blowing. It's no wonder so many of walk the fence, because our human brains can't grasp the ramifications of either - but the fact remains, it's a yes or no question.
One thing I don't believe is that we are condemned if we choose the wrong answer in this most baffling of questions, nor are we penalized for changing our minds - no matter how many times. If there is a God, then there must be a purpose for this uncertainty, just as there is a purpose to the vastness and unreachableness of all save one tiny flyspeck of the universe.
