I posted recently about how grateful I am that my new mindset in recovery lets me take minor life disappointments in stride and recognize that I am not omniscient enough to see the big picture -- not getting what I want at this moment might be the best thing in the long run, even if I can't see why right now.
However, I am struggling with how to apply this attitude to the "big things" -- specifically, something that's happening to a friend of mine.
She's younger than I am (early 30s), and found out about a year ago that she has ovarian cancer. She had a full hysterectomy, the most aggressive chemo/radiation treatment available, and, because over the course of the treatment she discovered she has the BRCA gene, planned on a preventative double mastectomy once she was healthier.
It was awful, but she came through it OK, staying positive the whole time, and had reason to be optimistic.
After finishing chemo in April, she just found out that the cancer has come back. Even her doctor was very surprised that it recurred so quickly. She is currently going for second opinions and more tests, but it's likely that the location of the new tumor makes it inoperable, and she is probably going to die.
I struggle to understand how it could ultimately be the right thing that this friendly, positive person could have to suffer this way. It's not driving me to drink or anything, but I recognize that I might some day face a similar tragedy, and I have no idea how I could possibly accept the news with serenity and be willing to "turn it over," and that worries me.
If you have faced a major life tragedy (and I know some folks on this board have), how did you accept that it is all part of your higher power's plan, and face it with a recovery-oriented mindset?
sometimes life sucks and i feel like telling god to blow his lemonade out his @$$, it rains on the just and and the unjust alike, one of my best friends died with 10 years of sobriety right after he got full custody of his 7 year old daughter from her coke hoor mother, and i couldn't tell you what was angrier about, him dying or this little girl going back to be raised by her mother
so I work the steps around it, I am powerless over it, and contrary to program dogma I allow my feelings to be what they are, I got got sober to feel my feelings, not numb them, so sometimes I cry, rage and rail against God, but then I allow it "to be"
I can't always "let it go" but I can "let it be", and the step from "let it be" to acceptance isn't that far
I am so sorry about your friend, I have had to watch a lot of people pass in sobriety, and it's never been easy, and for me, I need to like....know, the same God that brings beautiful sunsets, and the curve of a perfect breast, and puppies, kittens and young love also brings things like AIDS and Cancer and adjust my expectations accordingly, sometimes things suck and thats all there is to it, but at least I can "be there" for my friends that are suffering and not get all drunk or melodramatic and make it all about me, and that's actually been one of sobriety's greatest gifts
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
IN MY SOBRIETY I HAVE LOST TWO SONS ONE TO THIS ILLNESS. HE GOT VARIOUS VEINS AND I AND MY TWO DAUGHTERS HAD TO MAKE THE DECISION THAT HE HAD HAD ENOUGH AND TO LET HIM GO IN 2004
MY YOUNGEST WAS MURDERED IN 2009.IT WAS MYSELF AND HIS FIANCEE THAT FOUND HIM!
I HAVE HAD A MASTECTOMY AFTER HAVING BREAST CANCER AND NOW FOUND OUT MY OTHER BREAST HAS IT.IN JANUARY I FOUND OUT MY FITS WERE CAUSED BY TEMPORAL LOBE EPILEPSY.
MY MUM DIED THROUGH DEMENTIA IN NOVEMBER LAST YEAR.MY REMAINING SON HAS WENT FROM ALCOLISM TO GAMBLING...THERE ARE ALSO OTHER PAINFUL THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING AROUND ME....BUT IF I DRINK WHAT GOOD AM I TO MYSELF FAR LESS ANYONE ELSE.
I HAVE A GOOD LIFE...I HAVE NO DEBTS,NO HOUSING PROBLEMS ETC I KNOW MY MUM AND 2 SONS ARE SAFELY HOME.SO I GET ON WITH DAILY LIFE.
I WORK AS A VOLUNTEER AND TRAVEL TO UGANDA FOR LAST 11 YEARS....THIS IS MY WAY OF GETTING THROUGH IT ALL AND TRYING TO MAKE MY FAMILY PROUD OF WHO I AM NOW,THE MOTHER I SHOULD HAVE ALWAYS BEEN.
TO LIVE WITH FEAR OF THE FUTURE IS NOT LIVING...WITH THE HELP OF THE FELLOWSHIP YOU WILL BE ABLE TO WITHSTAND ANYTHING THAT LIFE THROWS AT YOU,THIS IS A PROMISE AS I BELIEVE "THE HIGHER POWER" DOES NOT GIVE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE IF YOU ARE TRULY ON THE PROGRAMME
Such a thread is important to this sober alcoholic and along with Glad's share above I know I'm holding on to the key of not only sobriety but serenity. From my experiences I know that this works. I have been allowed to experience that it works. Ours is a spiritual condition...always. And Lyn God doesn't faint with the language...I know because I've used it. What I learned was/is God knows and has proof that I'm in a bad place only...fearful, angry, sad, confused and needy. God already knows...my part is expressing it myself to God so that we are on the same page and I'm ready to do the next right thing presented by God.
Hi GG it seems at times that life can be so heartbreaking and for me I faced death many times in my active years,car crashes,muggings,robberies in drug ladened areas and alcoholic induced illnesses etc like many of us.My best friend shot himself in the head with a 22 and took all night to die,no one knew at the time, and others from the illness and respiratory failure and Im talking in their 30's also. There will always be pain, we are human and it is part of the human condition and I do thank God for all things,though I have been guilty of the "why me's oh God.not thinking "why not me"?I know that I always need to remain as close as I possibly can get to the God of my understanding,even more so when in pain,and ask for continued grace and mercy if it is God's will,,it is truly the only reason Im even here to write this now.Is it easy to say now when I am at the moment not devastated by some of lifes pain? Maybe ,but I hope I have progressed through guidance and application of spiritual principles to feel confident in putting all my trust in God, joys,victories,trials or heartbreak. I continue daily to present myself as a humble servant and I have a very strong 3rd and 11th step in my life that keeps me in hope even in the darkest of times based on the previous evidence. Do I want or enjoy the pain? no way ..do I work to the best of my ability to accept it,and try to remain God centered absolutely...it is thru perserverance,evidence and faith that I try and approach "life on life's terms and no doubt somedays are better than others but all days not living in active addiction,for me,always give me an opportunity of hope.The other way didnt work and my best thinking got me where it did, so with surrender and making that decision, faith ,hope and trust are the saving principles for me..I pray(daily) that I am not anxious about anything but in all things thru prayer and petition,with thanksgiving,I present my requests to God and that "peace of God' that transcends all understanding guards my heart and mind in God..and sometimes I am crying when I ask for this mercy!!!!I wish you peace.
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Thanks for the topic. Suffering through life's endless barrage of challenges is certainly not easy. Sometimes, we feel deflated by life's seemingly insurmountable scenerios. However, that's not always the case. I remember when my brother was diagnosed with a rare form of kidney disease and how that affected our family. Our first reaction was of course...why? Then it became more of...Why us? Then, the news got worse. In the span of two weeks, my sister in-law -who I love dearly- got diagnosed with breast cancer, and then my father died of a stroke shortly after that. Compound this with a nagging resentment I had towards my Ex-wife and you had the making of a train wreck waiting to happen. However, it didn't happen. Why? Because I had the best friend any recovering alcoholic could ever wish for. My first sponsor...Matt.
The first thing he told me put everything else into perspective. He said and I'm quoting here: "In every adversity, there is a seed of equal or greater benefit". Okay...that didn't make sense -not right away, but eventually it would. Why? The miracle of transformation had to take effect first, that's why. When it did, the flood gates were opened, and out came the greatest blessing I ever witnessed. The blessing didn't come in the form of a miracle but rather in the miracles to come. My brother is living proof that God has a greater purpose for us all. His disease is manageable, given the proper treatment. And, He's been afforded opportunities that others simply have not. He advocates for the kidney foundation and helps secure grants for patients nationwide. Talk about creating something out of nothing. I guess God had other plans in mind, regardless of our own. And that's only the beginning.
My sister in-law had to have a mastectomy and went through some trying circumstances with here chemotherapy, but has been an amazingly spirited person through it all. Something, all of us need to witness firsthand. When she put God first, everything else fell into place over time. She is not just another cancer survivor but has also been a strong advocate for breast cancer awareness ever since. That has been her benefit, regardless of what she went through. Her jovial spirit brings joy to others every day. It's just another powerful example of God's grace and how the transformation process can unfold from here. Speaking of which, my father's death had lasting memories as well. A fund was set up through a local Marine Corp detachment in his name. The fund helps develop young minds by giving students tuition assistance while furthering their education. Just another blessing...my friends. I know a person's death can leave lasting impressions on family and friends, but it can benefit others as well, despite their loss. I think you get the point by now.
What I learned through it all is this: difficult situations can be turned into blessing, regardless of the circumstances. All we have to do is wait for the blessing, despite all else. There is a blessing in the midst of whatever trial we are going through and the benefits can outweigh the burdens if allowed too. There is no telling how the events will unfold, but our response to such tragedies can change our outlook on future challenges, and how that unfolds from here. I only hope others can respond with the same fervor as did my loved ones. Because when we do, the challenges we face can impact others beyond the scope of our reasoning. Something, we can all hope for at least. I hope this helps...
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Sunday 28th of August 2011 02:37:39 AM
Hi GG, Ive been thinking about your question for the past few days so please forgive the late reply. In my case I lost my three "Rocks", my wife, my father and my sponsor and I can't explain how it was I was able to cope or what I did to cope. The only thing I can come up with is that the many references to God's help, that He does for us what we cannot do for ourselves, that He takes away the fears of today, tommorow and the hereafter, the promises etc etc are all exactly true. Through the grace of my God I was able to do what I should have done. This wasn't the result of any conscience effort on my part, I wasn't employing any "coping" strategies, I didn't feel I was making any big scarifices, I just seemed to have a natural serentiy and acceptance. My wife Judy was ill for the best part of two years, and the chemo was really bad. It tore me up to see her suffering like that, but instead of running away which may once have been my coping strategy, I just did my best to look after her and the children. What never ceased to amaze me was how all three never ever complained about their situation and were only ever interested in the welfare of the children and me, and in my sponsor's case, hours before his death he was graciously thanking the hospital staff for the way they had looked after him. How selfless is that? They all set very tough examples for me to try and follow. All the best, Mike.
Look, there is one other thing which my sponsor taught me when I was too young to understand. That was to make sure the people I cared about knew how I felt about them. I wrote to my father and my sponsor, and received replies, and with Judy we had time to talk. In all cases nothing was left unsaid and I feel so blessed that is the case. I loved them all deeply, and they loved me, to know that is just beyond words....
