As soon as anything new comes into my life, whether positive or negative, I become attached to it. If its bad feelings, they seem like they are gonna last forever and its never gonna get better. If its good feelings, I expect they won't last long so I stay on guard. Now positve stuff is happening in my life like work is steady (contractor), I don't have to fight off the urge to drink on a daily basis, people want me around. My first inner reation is to stay on guard because " if they only knew how screwed up I am on the inside...". I know I can demonstrate gratitude by the way I do the work in front of me well, treat others with kindness and respect ect. and that is what I do. My real trouble is that I have very low self-worth as I am now 42 years old and 60 days sober AGAIN. I am great at starting over as this is the pattern of the last 14 years- in and out again after 6 months or a year. Now I think " how can God really want my life when I value it to such a less of a degree than ever?" How can I be grateful for anything when I really don't deserve any of it based on the fact that I have consantly thrown it all away? So much self absorption. ME this and ME that in my head all the time. I don't like me too much and it is so weird to me that so many people like me. I don't act like I am something I'm not, nor do I go around grumbling about how uncomfortable I am... and feeling lost most of the time. But I sure just unloaded here, huh
-- Edited by David W on Saturday 20th of August 2011 05:15:45 PM
I have been there, David. My good sponsor sorted me out. He had taken me out a life of selfishness and taught me how to help others. When I started to work with other sick alcoholics, I completely forgot about myself. I remember when I first wanted to show gratitude to my sponsor, he very calmly told me: "Pass it on." This has been my saving grace over all these years. I still work with sick alcoholics. Some get well others don't, but it makes me well. Please post often David, we need you here.
Aloha David and thanks for the post and perspective. It reminds me of the questions I had to ask myself one being, "How can I be soooo wrong about sooooo many things?"
I was wrong about God...God never abandoned me; never left at anytime. The problem is me and the only solution is God. Straightening myself out took sitting down, listening, learning and practicing what the sober people were doing without question and delay. I stopped asking the question of God "How can you find me so worthy?" God doesn't need to answer that question when I accept that God just does that unconditional acceptance (love) and its up to me to learn how myself and include myself in the groups of people I'm practicing it with.
For today it doesn't matter how many times you've been in and how many you have taken departure. What matters is where you stand at the moment. The whole world isn't out there thinking or worrying or judging you because it isn't all about you except in your head. They have other things they think about and consider...just build the house for today and when you are done continue doing your recovery without a hammer in your hand. When you're home with the family, if in face your still have one by now, do your program there also...Love them as HP loves David W... just that same way openly with commitment and compassion. Just do it until it becomes the most habitual thing you do.
You know how to be grateful...keep practicing it. Watch the fellowship do it and say it and do it that way.
Hey David, I sure felt just like that. I too was a, seemingly, terminal relapser. I went to meetings for over two years pretty steadily but couldn't get to 90 days, always fell short by a couple weeks. My brain was working over time on me, talking a lot of trash to me about me. Some of it was hard to refute, given my recent past. What helped me was hearing the promises every day at my daily meeting.
"The Ninth Step Promises
The choice is ours...
Do we want more of what brought us to AA ...
We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldnt control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldnt make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldnt seem to be of real help to other peoplewas not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important ... ? 3rd ed. Big Book pg. 52
... or do we want what practicing the principles of AA promises?
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among ussometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. 3rd ed. Big Book pg. 83 & 84
The choice is ours..."
It was freeing to learn that I was Not the steady stream of dialog coming from my twisted brain, I was the poor s.o.b. that had to listen to it. Or did I? People in the meetings were telling me to stop listening to my brain. That was an odd suggestion, just how was I going to do that? The answer was, start listening to what others were saying, who "had what I wanted", about getting, staying, and living sober. David, what I was thinking (mostly non-sense) in early attempts at sobriety, was keeping me from doing what I needed to do to stay sober. There was so much dysfunctional junk up there (still more to clear out) full of fear and desperate coping behaviors that presented as futile efforts to control anything and everything to get "my way". All those sayings about "let go", "drop the rock", "surrender to win", "don't drink and don't think", "an alcoholic, who is up in his head is in a bad neighborhood" are marginal attempts to subtly tell us that we are ****ing nuts when we came here. The second step "......could restore us to sanity" not so subtle. I seriously, and on numerous occasions, looked straight into a mirror and said "shut the **** up!". It started working and the less I listened the quieter my head got. I bought myself a nice stereo with my beer money that I saved, and some large Altec speakers and would come home from work, sit in a chair, and blast the stereo for at least 90 minutes. It was too loud for me to hear the committee. Then off to a meeting I went. It probably took a couple of years for my head to begin to make sense of my place in this universe. It just takes time, but we'll never get to that place of peace, serenity, gratitude, self worth, self esteem, till we buy some time and build our sober identity.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Saturday 20th of August 2011 08:37:38 PM
As lost as I feel, it is somehow a little bit comforting when I read about you guys remembering being where I am. Like maybe somehow I am in the right place even though alot of the time I feel like a fish out of water and floppin in a fryin pan! It is encouraging. I don't feel so terminal knowing you all made it through this weird spot I am in of really not knowing much of anything. I realize more all the time that if I am to live any kind of life worth living, I desperately need you all. I am finally becoming truly grateful for AA.
David, that just sounds like negative and depressed thinking and yes it's common to relapse and overlaps with alcoholism. You need to listen to us when we try and snap you out of it and back into gratitude. I know many folks that can't even string 10 days sober together so stop downing yourself. 1 day at a time. You are doing great. Put away the bat you are beating yourself up with.
Now tell me the same lol.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thanks...for the topic. Alcoholism is a self-gratifying disease. A disease, we shouldn't take lightly. It takes hostages, destroys families and even pollutes our thinking. It grips every facet of our lives including the ones we hold sacred. It focuses on one thing and one thing only; our desires and no one else's. That's alcoholism, pure and simple.
Recovery, on the other hand is quite different. It implores freedom, selflessness and a "we" concept. It requires a more "care for all" attitude, not an "all" for me one. Call it, a gradual progression towards a more selfless, sober and responsible existence, which includes certain principles that we can adopt over time. That's "AA" in a nut shell.
Now, what about those behaviors of ours? Well...they don't automatically change overnight. Basically, they evolve over time. We must adopt a "change or die" attitude in order to stay alive ourselves. Why? to start anew once again, that's why. So, it comes as no surprise that these changes must begin with us, and for good reason. Why? Because we need to experience a "total psychic change" most of all, that's why.
Believe me, these drastic changes are necessary in order to improve our new way of life, and will impact our sobriety over time, guaranteed. I guess, the only way to define these new set of values is by calling them by their proper name..."learned behaviors". Something, we need to develop routinely throughout sobriety. When applied correctly, they will bring some much needed closure to our imperfect lives. Remember, it's all about progress here, not perfection. Something, we need to realize more and more every day.
Lets face it, altruism is a great ideal, but we can't strive for perfection only a certain level of cognitive awareness. I guess you can say with certainty that we need to experience some sort of "spiritual epiphany" before we can evolve as we should. Lets face it...we're human, and selfishness is just another part of our genetic makeup -Period. Emotional sobriety doesn't happen overnight, but it can gradual increase with each passing day -for sure.
Emotional growth can't happen, however, until we change those deeply ingrained personality quirks that seem so pervasive. Emotional serenity is the key to lasting sobriety, my friend, and can change both our imperfections and outlook on life. However, wanting to change and actually doing it are two different things. Awareness is one thing, my friend, but changing is another. Believe me, change...does take place, but it requires time. So, give time just that...time, and recovery that much more. They will certainly pay dividends in the long run. Guaranteed...
Here's...my suggestion until then; give that much more of yourself in service to God and "AA". Why? The more we serve others, the less selfish we feel...bottom line. Something, we need to do more and more every day -guaranteed. Why? so we can grow ourselves, that's why. Speaking of which; I hope you continue to not only serve others for many years to come, but continue to grow both exponentially and superlatively yourself as well.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Sunday 21st of August 2011 03:26:50 AM
Hi David, I can relate to your sharing. When I came in I was well beyond blaming everyone else, I was just full of shame and remorse. All the best people had tried to help me, given me advice that I knew was good, but I just couldn't apply it, I got it wrong every time. I frequenty drank without any thought of the consequences. having sworn off for good reason (the night before!) I just couldn't bring into my consciousness with sufficient force the memory of even last night. So many times I found my self drinking when I had planned not to, landing in the cells again after setting out to just have a good time. I am talking about the despair that only the real alcoholic feels.
I shudder when I hear those promises read in a meeting. They are true all right but it is the context that troubles me. A sort of "what's in it for me?" If I do that - I get this" sort of thinking. Most don't even realise that this amazement will not materialize until we are half way through. Much serious step work is required to get a hint of the promises. Perhaps the most value the promises have, for the newcomer, are as a rough description of "what we have" based on chapter 5 "if you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it , then you are ready to take certain steps".
There another question implicit in this statement "am I one of the we"? Do I fit the description of the alcoholic? Am I one of those hopeless cases who, at certain times, has no effective defense against the first drink, who can't not drink, who can't follow the advice to go to meetings and not drink? Who seems unable to effectively employ all these wonderful strategies that experts have devised, who just totally lack any kind of power or choice where drink is concerned? If you are like this, then you are as hopeless as I was, and the good news is that AA was invented just for hopeless cases like us.
So if you have decided you are one of the "we" and using the promises as a definition, you want what we have, then here is the truth about how to accomplish that. Do what we do. We learned from the Big book the hopeless nature of our condition, we discovered that only a spiritual experience could bring about the psychic change required to bring about recovery, and we can see in the foreword that the purpose of the book is to tell us precisely how this can be accomplished. If you are an alcoholic of my type, the truth is that meetings alone will not keep you sober, we are beyond human aid. Even sober alcoholics don't have the power to cure alcoholics, if they could , my mother and countless others would be sober. The only way to recover is through a spiritual awakening and the only way to do that is through the 12 steps. Step 12 clearly says having had a spiritual awakening as """THE'''' result of these steps....
It's really very simple, have your sponsor take you through the steps as written in the big book as soon as possible. Don't believe anyone who tells you it isn't a race, they will kill you. You have at the moment a window of opportunity to get through those steps and gain the protection of your higher power. Until then you have no effective mental defense against the first drink. When you have been through the steps once, go through them again, and again and you will be well on the way to joining us on the road of happy destiny.
Remember, we have tried every imaginable remedy with nil result, we have tried easier softer ways and the result was nil. Just step through that window of opportunity and get into those steps. All you need is honesty, open mindedness and willingness, but these are indispensible.
Trust God, Clean House, Help Others
God Bless, Mike.
-- Edited by Fyne Spirit on Sunday 21st of August 2011 04:10:23 AM
-- Edited by Fyne Spirit on Sunday 21st of August 2011 04:12:24 AM
