Just under 60 days and I keep hearing" if I put half the energy into recovery as I did into drinking...". I have been in and out since 1996. The mix up in my head is that people tell me to slow down. So I take it that to put half the energy that I did drinking may mean learning to let go because I am powerless to change of myself. Time takes time scares me. I am in very unfmiliar territory- sponsor says that is good. All on the outside looks ok with work and the recovery house I live in. Inside is a near constant knott in my gut and chest. Seems so hypocritical to have wrecked me up so bad and expect God wants to have anything to do with my inside mess. I am in the process of steps 1, 2, and 3 with my sponsor and it really irks me to hear I am right where I am supposed to be. One thing for sure though is that I didn't have to wake up and fight off the urge to drink today. That I am so so grateful for that inspite of this grief/ self-loathing/ always thinking about me crap!
-- Edited by David W on Saturday 6th of August 2011 08:59:50 PM
Aloha David W...(just had another David W...longtime recovering fellow in my home group move off for a while...love him, miss him so by name you can sorta fill the hole a bit). Relaxation came with trust and surrender to the program and all that it presented in front of me including the old timers, the literature, slogans, meetings and new reintroduction to my HP. "You didn't get here over night and you won't get thru it over night either" was simple to understand. I was 37 when I made the rooms volutarily so I had long unbroken time practicing my part of the disease I knew nothing about. There were thousands of recovering fellows in the area that my HP introduced me to and after years of trying to ward them off of me and out of my head and space I got the courage to trust and then change some of the things I could that I had not before.
Uncharted territory? good description...best in fact cause truthfully I didn't know anything about alcoholism and didn't know that I didn't know. I drank...period. It never was my problem it was always anothers problem...friends, family, strangers, society. If it was there...mine, yours or someone elses; I drank it. I didn't care about levels or volumes or names. If I poured it I would...into a glass or without a glass. I drank until my skin color was urine yellow/green. It change to a natural color 5 years after I stopped drinking. When I got into recovery I no longer had any more wiggle room. I was done. Toast!. My life was over and I was a suicide looking for a place to happen and it wasn't my fault. All of my realtionships were alcoholic and so I found the front doors of recovery thru an alcoholic/addict wife. Wanna have a bad time partying? Try doing it with another person you care for who has a fatal disease characterized by a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body that gets drunker faster and into more trouble than you care to be in while not as drunk. I hated stopping early and then...
So I could not talk my way out of it anymore. I could not speak as I spoke when I drank...I would not be able to bs the bsers so I decided to be meek; at times. I was told to "sit down, listen, don't speak cause I didn't know anything about being sober, learn and practice what was being suggested. I drug my butt thru meetings and conferences and assemblies and workshops for 5 years with nothing but hope and then learned I had also adopted an attitude of patience and surrender. I wasn't feeling those yet but got feedback that it was seen by others and sponsors. Oh Well.
I learned to be responsible to me and for me. To get to meetings, to read the literature...all of it, get a sponsor and call even when..., listen and ask questions of others who revealed stuff that made my old thinking stand up and say..."What's that again?" ...and I asked and listened more...intently because I arrived at a very real truth in my life...this was one of two things in my life I ever said "Uncle" to and meant every letter of it. This chemical and obsession for it is fatal and the pain and slowness of the journey made for a desire to end it so welcoming.
If an old timer or sponsor gives you a review of your condition...listen and believe. Don't trust your own thinking or perception of things. Your brain is crawling out of a deep dark tunnel and that may or may not be a light out there...let them tell you what it is from their experiences. For as long as it took me to say and hear myself say, "My name is Jerry and I am alcoholic" which was 9 years of being alcohol free and still outside the gate of full AA involvement, I use to say that I didn't chase the light at the end of the tunnel...I was chasing a light on the tail of a tuna. My alcoholic self wanted me to have the education only but not the experience. I didn't get a sobriety chip until I had 16 years sober and on that morning I almost walked out of the meeting cured. There but for the grace of my HP and certain instruments my HP place in the morning Attitude Adjustment meeting of AA in Hilo HI., I would not have gotten to read your experience. My body won't take another toxic shock. My history of toxic shock is what got me recommended to AA as a real alcoholic.
The more sobriety experience you get the better chance you will have of trumping a future relapse. This disease doesn't sleep. I've watched more than enough fellows of time loose the ability and opportunity to help another struggling alcoholic. It keeps me screaming "UNCLE!!".
Get out of the self pity, self remorse, self grieving, poor mes, bad mes and the other mallet swinging self flaggelation stuff. No matter how you justify that it isn't how God does in in my experience. If your Higher Power as hung with you this long with complete and total acceptance without condition that isn't what HP is wishing or doing with you. Do what HP does...learn how to do that along with patience, open mindedness, persistence, compassion, trust and every other tool you find to gain and maintain your sobriety because unless you do that the changes of you HP getting another tool to help and serve others comes to nothing and sadness. What a thought huh? One alcoholic helping another? or anyone else for that matter.
Freedom is the result of obedience to this spiritual program. Go do that; your life depends on it and sometime later the lives of others. Welcome to the board and to my journey in recovery. You help me remember the cry "UNCLE!!" and make my desire to stay sober valueable. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Hey David! Welcome back Powerlessness equals hope.When we make that admission to total surrender we open the doors to receive help.It does not mean we are helpless.This is a time when the disease may keep us locked on "reservations" a spot we leave open in our process to go back to using if this or that happens .We have(keep it on me) I got stuck in the projection of how can I just not ever drink again,all my friends do,what else am I gonna do,I,ve always done this etc..It is very important to understand doing steps have parts to them, first we understand what they mean(read,your sponsor ,step meetings,other alcoholics etc)but they are most valid when we can apply them in the actions and deeds of our lives, thinking,attitudes and behaviors.They are not just some nice writings on the wall or in a book.Incorporate that"Power greater than yourself"doesnt have to be your ultimate Higher Power in step 2(says that not in) in can be viewed as a "gift" from your ultimate Higher Power, the group,your sponsor, something shared anything that keeps you in sobriety for another day! Remember our 3rd step tells us we make a decision(first and foremost)then turn our will and "lives" (over to care of)all parts of our lives as a friend,parent,brother,father,son,employee,best friend etc.(this step is also the progression of continued seeking of the God of our understanding) We (keep it on me)I sometimes think well im good with this so i dont have to surrender this part and so on,taking my will back , need constant diligence here.Self centeredness is the core of our disease so welcome,(always about me you say :)its what we work on daily.And to shut up from here all I can say is it is by Gods grace and mercy that you still have an opportunity to come here and share,Our Higher Power is there in the joys and victories,the trials and set backs. I truly believe Gods' will for us is to be all God intended us to be , but the details are left to us...Glad your here man,.good work getting into the solution,this disease always wants us back ,cunning ,baffling and insidious(see Websters definition)....Keep coming back peace...
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Man! You guys put it to me deep and I thank you. seeing how I remind you of you makes AA and recovery more tangible to me as it makes me know you have been "here" and made it through. Letting go feels like standing on the edge of a tall building and being told to go ahead and fall. I truly know I have no recourse but to trust that the fall is into freedom even though it goes so against every fiber in my being. I do and will trust you and trust in the process. I have hope! Thanks again
Welcome to MIP. I'd like to congratulate you on making it to the "just less than" 60 day mark. It's certainly a milestone, and something to be proud of as well. I hope you continue to strive for something greater; a purpose filled yet sober life that is full of endless possibilities -ODAAT. That's my prayer for both you and other recovering alcoholics who's in that "strait betwixt" known as early sobriety. You can rest on this one assurance, my friend; it does get better. We promise...
You're right about one thing David; giving into the idea that we are in some way not "giving enough of ourselves" sounds ludicrous. And, the phrase giving time, time scared me as well. Guess what though??? I was doing just that. The mix up all along was my inability to see things from a sober perspective, instead of the alcoholic one. I wanted the "instant gratification" program of recovery, not the one that required us to become rigorously honest. I approached sobriety with an "I want it all and I want it now" concept, and that's what needed to change most of all. I needed to slow down and allow the recovery process to unfold as it should. When I did, something amazing started to happen. I got a greater glimpse of sobriety and how my life can improve, over time. That was my epiphany and one that set my mind straight as I began the recovery process some 10+ years ago. And I hope it can eventually be yours as well -ODAAT.
Now, as far as the "God factor" is concerned, there's something you should know. The "God factor" is a concept, a "good orderly direction" concept that has been proven valuable for some time now. It requires us to take stock in what is said and to develop a sober routine based primarily on the principles of recovery. A sober routine, which can save your life and sobriety -ODAAT. That's how I perceived the "God factor" early on in sobriety, which helped me immensely as I started the sobering up process. My concept of "God" has changed since then, but my recovery philosophy hasn't. I continue to use the"good orderly direction" concept and will do so for as long as I can.
The best way I could assess things from there was to use a very simple approach. I needed to keep things simple, period. So simple, even a simpleton could understand it. I couldn't allow the frustrations of life the opportunities my recovery couldn't afford. Basically, I couldn't complicate things even further and simplicity was my means of avoiding that. That's why they say in recovery "keep it simple stupid", and for good reason. By keeping it simple, we avoid any further complications.
You see, the more complicated things become, the more saturated we feel. Saturated, in a bad way I mean. We can become so consumed by everything, that we can eventually lose sight of what is truly important; our long term sobriety -ODAAT. If it was up to me...I would keep it simple, but that's me speaking not you. I hope the same can be said for others as well -ODAAT.
Oh...one last thing. Never, ever give up on yourself, and never stop believing your life can change, because it can. My life did and so can yours. This message, can be the measure of hope you need, which can bring about the change you so desperately desire. A change, that can further your sobriety for many years to come. My prayer is that it does -ODAAT...
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Sunday 7th of August 2011 03:29:47 AM
Wow David...you really brought me back...and YES, that is exactly how I felt at 60 days sober. Those are the exact same things people said to me. It confused me then in the same way, but it makes sense now. I was also told by my grandsponsor that if I did not believe, to believe that he did. Well, I believed just enough to keep going day after day.
Time does take time, after 30 years of drinking or whatever, 60 days (while a great start) is not long in comparison. Your brain is still adjusting. You are making major life changes and thinking about your spirituality, your purpose.... Early sobriety is a very trying time and the urge is to want to just find that once piece of knowledge that is going to make you feel all better. The thing is it is not just 1 piece of knowledge, it's many. The knowledge of sober living that will have you feeling more comfortable in your own skin will happen increasingly and incrementally as you stick with this program.
Just keep acknowledging the gifts of sobriety and how much better even this time is than when you were at your bottom. Slowly, as you do the work, each day will get better until your life is at a place where you never thought possible.
Keep us updated! You can do this.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hey Davew, It does take time. Time for our brain to get off of the rollercoaster ride we put it on for so many years. Our brain chemistry is a mess and it takes time to heal. In the mean while we have to practice not listening to our brain. You are not your brain, you are the poor S.O.B. that has to listen to your brain. When I was in my first 6 months it was tough, and I listened to what others said and just put my head down and focused on Today, wrote daily gratitude lists and "did the next right thing". I wrote a weekly calendar that included all the basics like eat sleep work go to meetings, read, pray, meditiate, exercise, do my laundry, pay bills, clean house, have some fun and socialize with others in recovery. It took a couple months of looking at that calendar (I still have it in my desk drawer along with my real calendar from 1989) to be able to do the whole week without missing anything. What followed was feelings of security (and hope) and my self esteem elevated because I was achieving the goals that I had set down on paper. I was acquiring self disapline and felt like I could do anything that I decided I was going to do, including stay sober long term. Organize and be in control of your time and see how you feel.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 7th of August 2011 09:28:44 AM
Focus on where my feet are is one thing that keeps me outa the committee in my head some of the time. the genuine hope I have only comes from seeing you guys happy and worth something to somebody. I want that. I yearn to be out of self absorption. Still not too comfortable in my skin. I haven't proven to myself much trustworthiness of myself as I have always been the ultimate betrayer in my own life. You guys make it a little more ok for me to be the broken me I am. Kinda freeing to realize that I really am not supposed to be in control of EVERYTHING my nor am I supposed to work everything out that is in my head. You telling me to disciple away from my brain gives me peace. I will practice that many times today. Thanks!
Sounds like you really belong here David W and you are not any different then the rest of us. If you do what we do and commit to take the emotional ass kicking when it comes around and keep putting one foot in front of the other you can make it too. We are all emotional missfits and thats why when we find each other in AA and the other places we hang out, it feels like we belong. here is a video that reminds me of that. its sad too because the guy who wrote and made it was one of us who died from it.
-- Edited by billyjack on Sunday 7th of August 2011 12:18:37 PM
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Since it cost a lot to win, and even more to loose, you and me gotta spend some time just wondering what to choose.
David W writes:" Letting go feels like standing on the edge of a tall building and being told to go ahead and fall. I truly know I have no recourse but to trust that the fall is into freedom even though it goes so against every fiber in my being." One of the very first people I met on my recovery journey was a woman who told my story at a speaker meeting, the second or third AA meeting I had ever gone to. She gave me a coin that I keep with me daily, and pull it out and read it when I feel as you have described. I am new on my journey, 6 months or so, and I can relate to much of your post. The coin has a setting sun, a bird, and mountains on one side. On the other it reads "When you come to the edge of all you know, you must believe in one of two things. There will be earth upon which to stand on, or you will be given wings." It is a frightening idea for me to let go and believe that my HP will be there to guide me, give me wings, so to speak. Slowly, I am learning to do so. Simple, but not easy, as the big book states. Thanks for sharing. Peace
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
