It takes courage for me to put my very first post here. What do I have more of, fear or anger? Fear, I think. Well, hubris kicks me, too. Give me one good reason to stay sober another day. I am 3 years 8 months out with only 3 slip ups. Who am I fooling. Just myself I guess. Advice?
I can only suggest that what your asking has to come from 'inside of you"There are many reasons to remain in sobriety,when the pain outweighs the pleasure,that can be the first.(keep it on me).. Have you been working in the "solution" our steps ,with a sponsor? Only you know if you have reached the stage where you are truly done, made an emotional acceptance of utter defeat ,our 1st Step. We do live in that 'Triangle of self obsession,",resentment,anger and fear when we aren't doing the work and we want to move toward acceptance love and faith.(see BillyJacks post on bedevilments/promises in previous post).. There is a major difference between remaining abstinent and working toward a recovered life ,a day at a time...We suffer from physical,mental and spiritual devastation. Being Powerless also means that "any driving force in our lives(gambling,sex,food,attitudes,behaviors etc) that may be out of control are areas that have to be addressed as part of our process of remaining in a fit spiritual condition daily. Take a 'deep look inside" see whats really going on?.Keep coming back let us know how your doing,we are here for each other..
__________________
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Aloha Elizabeth...that was courageous and honest and for me you hit the button squarely when you hit on fear. For me fear comes before any other negative emotion and then I'm done. However I've learned not to drink when I am...drinking isn't and never was the solution just the moderator drawing out the problem longer and longer. When I got sick and tired of being so sick and tired I was able to not resist change, stopped drinking altogether and sought help and the courage to stay that way. I learned simple stuff like "there's no law that says I gotta drink". I was compulsed to and didn't have to so I worked on the didn't have to part after the compulsion not the drinking part.
Mike's "Being Powerless..." statements are truth and lesson for me. I don't like being powerless and I always have struggled with people, places and things that attempted to control me and hold me down and always lost the struggle until I got into recovery as recovery was suggested and supported by the program and my sponsors and the fellowship. It still works that way for me and I get to take what I like and leave the stuff I don't for later review and work.
Once I stopped drinking I never returned to drinking however I have many times returned to the behaviors I used when I was drinking and the program has solutions with that also including "time" and "practice".
We only get one day ever. This one so what am I going to do with it? First...talk to my HP and next...don't drink. Then I put on my step garments...wear them all and keep them clean and neat and in good repair. Then open the door and face those people out there...Its cool cause the fear is gone...replaced by love and life is now fun.
Here you go again...another 24 hours, one at a time...It works went you work it and keep coming back so we can help each other. (((((hugs)))))
It takes courage for me to put my very first post here. What do I have more of, fear or anger? Fear, I think. Well, hubris kicks me, too. Give me one good reason to stay sober another day. I am 3 years 8 months out with only 3 slip ups. Who am I fooling. Just myself I guess. Advice?
Hi Elizabeth,
Welcome to "MIP". I can so relate to your unpleasant demeanor and how frustrated you feel. I too, had a lot of issues to deal with and alcohol was a "constant eyesore" in my life as well, through it all. I struggled through some pretty heavy stuff early on in life, which complicated things even further. I had to deal with the unimaginable (my alcoholism) above all else. When I eventually did sober up -some10+years ago, those perplexing feelings that can cause us to question everything -including our alcoholism, slowly but steadily improved over time.
Prolonged alcoholism can cause us to suffer, far beyond the obvious of course. My alcoholism did just that. I had the "not so" dubious distinction of doubting my resolve repeatedly as I watched my life spin out of control. I guess my apprehension was directly correlated to my inability to stay sober for any length of time. I only had a small window of opportunity to sober up, because my disease would trip me up, time and time again. My last run, was the lowest I've ever sank. A bottom, I wouldn't wish on anyone. My life took a turn for the worst -that day, all because of my drinking. If it wasn't for divine intervention, I wouldn't be sitting here today and for that I'm immensely grateful.
My epiphany started the day after my last relapse. My recovery did as well. So, what happened??? I was introduced into the fold of recovery services that day, which included "AA" as well. My "addiction counselor" (Tom) was my first "real" glimpse at recovery. Thanks...be to God. He not only became my first sponsor but gave me some much need insight on this disease and recovery as a whole. A day I haven't regretted ever since. AA has filled in the rest of the puzzle and life -as I know it, has been extremely rewarding ever since.
I hope you find rest for your weary soul and begin the recovery process, one again. Remember, there's still a measure of hope in every recovering alcoholics storyline and the ending has not been written just yet. We hope yours has a happy ending as well. We'll be here to support you every step of the way. We promise...
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 6th of August 2011 08:29:03 PM
Elizabeth, I could give you a million reasons to stay sober but it wont matter... You have to be the one to find the reasons. You have to be the one to work the program. You have to be the one to stay connected spiritually. Self-pity is your enemy....trust me. I fall into the darkest spaces when I start feeling sorry for myself. I am NOT criticizing you...I see that you feel defeated and just want you to snap out of it and see how dangerous that is. It will lead to relapse. Dig deep, find your gratitude and your reasons for living and for living sober. Whatever has got you down right now...You must know on a gut level that a drink will make it worse.
In support,
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I am much encouraged by all the kind support. You guys are the best. I have cleaned house and have stayed 100% sober today. Thank you for being there for me. :)
Glad you made it back Elizabeth and found the courage to come here and share.
You start over at day 1 ... get to some meetings, obtain our BB, get a sponsor and start at step 1, its really that simple. It ain't easy, but it is simple.
And yes, you're right ... You really are only fooling yourself.
When the newness of not having to drink wears off a little and life's real inner problems become apparent, that is where I always have the hardest time finding that reason to stay sober. a square look at myself after a month or two and the majority of the truth about me seems mostly horrible and makes it hard to wanna stay sober. Sometimes, though, I get a glimpse of the good parts of me and the self loathing lets up enough that I can actually enjoy parts of my day. Once the gift of desperation is less, my motives start really showing up
