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Post Info TOPIC: I have an amends question


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I have an amends question
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I am an alanon, and I have an AA friend. She raised 2 boys when she was drinking heavily, and did not do a good job, was barely there. Now she is making amends to them by adopting a child and is going to do her best to raise this child like she wishes she had raised her sons. She says this is her amends. This somehow doesn't sound right to me, but I am not sure why. She is well into recovery about 5 years and has been really good. She also says this new child is an incentive to her when all else seems drab. I am not really an expert on recovery but for some reason this doesnt sound right to me. Please if there is any advise out there, could you please shed some light on this. Why this is my business is because my friend asked me what I think. 

Nancy45 



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MIP Old Timer

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her amends is between her, her sponsor, and her God

 

having some Alanon/Coda background myself, I learned I don't get involved with other peoples life decisions even if they ask me, it doesn't change the fact I have no business getting all up in other peoples affairs except when it harms me or others, she starts neglecting the child, call CPS, other wise it's no one's business but her own, even if she asks



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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful



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Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others


Above is step 8 and 9 as written. I don't see how adopting a child would be "direct" amends to her sons. I have heard it said that we can try be of service in other ways where direct amends are not possible.

We obviously don't know the whole situation, maybe the best you can do is refer her back to her sponsor.



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Rob

"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."



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Hi Nancy, Welcome to "MIP".

I think this matter has more to do with an unresolved conflict than anything else. A unresolved conflict between herself and her biological children. The only way to deal with her fears is by fostering a bond between herself and her adoptive child. A bond she wishes to have with her own biological children but cannot.  

That is one of many possible scenerios, which I believe are directly related to the current relationship she has with her children, or lack of. A qualified specialist in the area of cognitive therapy or family induced crisis's can help her deal with those feelings once and for all. She should also consider groups like alanon, family therapy or a crisis counselor for added support. All these, and continued support through a sober network can help bring her that much closer to a solution. A solution that can break the chains that bind her, allowing her to "feel forgiven" once again. I'll pray for a breakthrough on her behalf for as long as it take. I promise...

~God bless~ 



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Mr.David


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I think it sounds off too, for the reasons Rob84 said, but I wouldn't say anything to her. Too personal a decision. If you were her sponsor maybe.

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Im with Rob too.

Kinda sounds like a 'need' she is trying to satisfy within herself ... and that need could also be called guilt.

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Thanks all for your response to my post. As I realize I am not anyones HP or sponsor, but I am a friend and she is in the AA program. I wanted to ask some experienced people what they thought and now I have a good idea what my response to my friend will be. Thank You N45



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Tricky question Nancy. Its very poingant to me because, the mother of my elder daughter left me and 2 yrs later I insisted, almost demanded, that a new lover fall pregnant. looking back, I can see that I was trying to give myself a second chance, which cannot be confused with 'making amends'. I'm glad you reminded me of this because it still affects my life today. I put ALL my attention into my younger daughter, and my elder one, who has just had a child herself, is in need of my input and support. So, like your friend, I need to make amends to HER, not a substitute. It saddens me that it took me so long to realise this, but today, thanks to AA, I can be the best person I can be for BOTH my girls. I've been a member of AA for 11 yrs, but have a terrible history of brief relapsing. Why I can't give myself TOTALLY to this 'simple program' is a mystery to me. But I try. I keep coming back. There is nothing about AA that I can fault (believe me I've tried!). AA offers my spirit a chance to wake up, and that involves putting my ego to sleep!

all the best, Tony A 



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I think this is a conversation about a woman who is not here to tell her side of the story, nor defend herself as judgement is passed on her, this is not AA, we temper our talk of others with love, or it's "gossip" otherwise known as "murder by character assasination"

There are those things known as "living amends" whereupon we make up for a life of harming others by being helpful to others, and what better way to help another human being then adopting an unwanted child, I swear to F'ing God this group would take Mother Theresa's inventory, and she'd be weighed, judged, and found wanting as we dissected her guilt feelings and how sick she was for helping others

We don't know because we haven't talked to her, we aren't her sponsor, we aren't her God, and we aren't the OP's sponsor, nor God, and the women isn't even here to defend herself

Gossip (sic), a polite form of murder by character assassination, has its satisfactions for us, too. Here we are not trying to help those we criticize; we are trying to proclaim our own righteousness.

   

I think it's quite possible what she is doing is incredibly admirable, but I don't know -what- her motives are, they may in fact be to make someone's life a good thing since she made two peoples lives a living hell, if someone could explain to me what is wrong with that, I'll eat my -F-ing hat

So i reiterate, it's between her sponsor, herself, her god, and anyone's who's life it actually affects, like her own childrens, shit, meddling in alcoholics affairs and thinking I know what's best for them is what LANDED me in Alanon FFS

 

 

 




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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful

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