I have read a couple of"they done me wrong" posts and followed the responses with interest. Some replies have been empathetic while one or two others have been absolutely direct and to the point, spelling out exactly how the program will work for you in this situation. On balance, and I may live to regret this, I feel the direct approach, once I got over the shock, would work best on me, and be best for me.
Why? Well, I have already mentioned that I am one of the stupidest people ever to come to AA and as such I am a slow learner upon whom subtlety and tact are completely lost. While I am supposed to be thin skinned and sensitive, this applies only when my own interests are threatened, but when I am behaving badly I can be oblivious to the effect this has on my fellows. This is much less of a problem now than it used to be. The 4th step showed me how my behaviour affected me and others and the following steps set me on a path of spiritual progress.But I can still bring the old faults back and when another member is frank with me, I appreciate it, learn from it, and set about getting my house back in order.
In my sobriety, you will be surprised to hear, there have been occasions when people (apparently) done me wrong for no apparent reason. When this happens it can lead to that most deadly of things the justified resentment. I feel hurt and upset and consider these to be normal feelings in the circumstances, but I know I can't afford to stay there. When I have calmed down, I have to look at my own part in things and often I find that I have stepped on the toes of my fellows causing them to retaliate, or I have made decisions based on self which later placed me in a position to be hurt (paraphrasing the Big Book).
Example, when I was just a few weeks sober I fell in with a serial 13th stepper. I didnt know it at the time, but I was just one in a long line of unfortunates that got caught up in this. This relationship developed quickly, pregnancy, engagement the works. I was determined to stay the course (I would have run away in my drinking days) and do the right thing, then out of nowhere a miscarriage, then I am kicked out, then a week or two later I am told I am still going to be a father, then a few weeks after that an abortion. Man, I was bouncing from pillar to post with all this stuff and the frustrating thing was I had absolutely no control over any of it. This mad woman was making major decisions about my life and the life of my child and I couldnt do a damn thing about it, except pray for her and the child.
My prayers were answered, but not directly. I became frightened that this woman would get between me and AA and I knew that was a death sentence for me. Though I prayed and prayed I could not shake the resentment which meant I could not be in the same room with her, or worse I would not enter a room if there was a risk she might be there. God's answer as it came to me was that I had to look at my part in this and make amends.
So what was my part, innocent screwed up little boy that I was? Well, I had this idea of where I should be and what I should be doing with my life, and how I would be fitting in with what the world expected of me. I thought at the time these were right ideas but I had not yet taken all the steps so I was not in a position to know. It became clear to me that the entire thing was based on a series of decisions based on self that my instinct for security was well out of balance driving my fears of being alone and not fitting into society. Self seeking motives and instant gratification where at the bottom of this. Heres the picture- State house already furnished complete with wife, two children, garage, white picket fence etc, all ready for me to just walk on into after just a few weeks around AA. So in reality who was using who? I talked to her about this (my side) and asked her forgiveness which she readily gave and I was set free. Free to get sober, free to learn from my mistakes.
Some might say "how could you be expected to know this given your vulnerable state"? But what I thought I knew and what I didn't know are, in reality totally irrelevant. The important thing was to learn the lesson. I learned a lot about my state of mind through that experience, I learned how I can be my own worst enemy, I learned how important the steps are, and I learned that I had to try and practice them in all my affairs if I was to have any chance at all. This particular lesson was delivered in a blunt and painful way, but that doesnt matter. I am just grateful it was delivered at all. How else was I going to grow up?
God bless,
MikeH
-- Edited by Fyne Spirit on Sunday 31st of July 2011 11:52:22 PM
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it then you are ready to take certain steps.
At some of these we balked. thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Remember that we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power that One is God. May you find Him now!
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. we asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
Lying to an alcoholic, or coddling him and cosigning his bullshit IS giving him a "half measure", and we know those don't work
Personally I think the biggest disservice one can do to a "still suffering" alcoholic is co-sign their bullshit with sympathy real or otherwise, various court ordered counselors and general "do gooders" used to do that with me and the truth was, I held them in contempt, it was like getting a "get out of jail free card" for all the BS I -knew- I was pulling, although sometimes it was hard living in two realities, the one in which I was wronging others, and the other in which others were wronging me, they both existed simultaneously if that makes sense
the first person who got my attention was 25 years sober and he pulled my covers HARD using Socratic questioning (like the steps do) and just telling me the blunt, honest truth, every game I ran on him, he was there, waiting for me at the end of that road because he saw it coming and he had been there before, he was the first person I had a complete and utter inability to BS...I was 21
I didn't get sober until I was 27, but his words rang in my ears until I did decide to get sober, and I didn't go to therapy, or a rehab, or an outpatient clinic, I wanted to go find people like him, who told me the truth, I had done SO many court ordered rehab/outpatient/therapy things, and those people didn't -really- know what they were talking about, yeah they could give me the medical reasons and blah blah yawn snore, but they didn't reach down into my soul, see the sickness, and offer me a solution like this man did all those years before, what made him different was he was "AA", so that's where I went
I was sponsored by some pretty hardcore guys, the one who had the most impact on me had gotten sober in 1942, and he spent the first year we knew each other dragging me outside meetings by my ear and giving me the most hair raising, scariest, scathing asschews I have ever heard in my life
and he did it because he liked me, and wanted me to live
When we co-sign a newcomers BS, we are co-signing their disease, we are, in effect telling them, their disease is right, and they have fooled us, that's why the Big Book is so emphatic about doctors, wives, family members and psychriatrists being unable to reach us, but an alcoholic, properly armed with the facts about his condition, can reach another alcoholic within a few hours, and without such an understanding, little or nothing can be done
To lie to an alcoholic, or to co-sign an alcoholics BS and disease is to do him a disservice, possiblt a fatal one, one of the MOST important things they taught me in Paramedic school was -always tell the patients the truth, no matter how bad" or you would blow your credibility, and without credibility, there is no trust, and without trust many lives are literally lost
Deep down people know when they have been told the truth, no matter how much it stings, and even if they run away, "don't be mean (read:tell the truth to newcomers) or you will scare them away"
That's not my experience, I came to AA and stayed, because this is the first group of people that told me the truth my whole life, and I don't mean "their opinion" or "what I should do" both things that have NO place in AA, but they offered me their experience, strength and Hope, and as I heard one speaker put it, "I was offered the power of GOD!!!"...which although strictly speaking I am an Atheist/Agnostic, I have found here...the power of God, and thats a big thing, thats a big power for an atheist like me to have access to, to have access to a power greater then myself that is personal to me, and STILL be an atheist, pretty cool if you ask me
All because one man, who said he got sober in AA told me the truth, and that I never had to drink again, and when I got to AA I found it wasn't an empty promise, I found love, honesty, truth, and a solution, freedom of the bondage of self
doesn't get any better then that, thank you for your share Fyne
-- Edited by LinBaba on Monday 1st of August 2011 02:26:53 AM
__________________
it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
zzworldontheweb you can have anything and do anything you like except take a drink... and maybe one or two other things. What are they? You'll know when you try to do them!
Meantime if you ever get to NZ I will be happy to take you for a sail!
