Having survived the crash, there are times that I look back and am so puzzled as to why I thought I was having such a great ride. And yet, until running off the rails that last time, there were some awesome journeys, with much good stuff woven in.
I think there is real danger in losing perspective and balance as one ages--both literally, and as foundational to recovery. I try not to slip into the kind of hypervigilence that sets me up to over-focus and analyze every nuance of what it means to my daily sobriety when I actually have some positive recollections of the "using days". For me it is always, always, about balance. Losing my balance is the greatest threat to keeping the bike upright! I guess it's similar to not throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Anybody else relate to a struggle with balancing treasured memories of the good 'ole days with the realities of the wreckage of that past?
Mahalo Leeu...I like the mention of balance as you have used it here and it is proper metaphor for how to inventory the program in my life today. The difference twix "my" program and the "AA" program can sometimes be wide. My program had everything to do about me...my self will, my ego, my pride, me as higher power and without same and guilt I applied it where ever I went until there was no where else to be. The AA program is a different story for me, a different way of life and when I practice it I can stand upright without waffling all over the place or weaving from side to side as if I had just spent the greater part of time power drinking. My program doesn't work. AA and the 12steps and traditions, literature, concepts of service, service and of course a power greater than Jerry F in any form does work as I work it. I haven't been rightfully or wrongfully accused of drinking or dry drunking in a long time. I like balance mind, body, spirit and emotions. Balance looks good, sounds good, feels good and is good. Thanks for the ESH. ((((hugs))))
Hi Leeu, I have often heard it said "my worst day sober is still better than my best day drinking" and I am afraid I fall into that camp. Because when I got sober and began practicing the steps to the best of my ability, I had a spiritual awakening and my life took on new meaning. It became way better than anything I could have imagined before. Of course that might change if I forgot about the steps, adopted my old ways which are guaranteed to make me unhappy, then the old days might look good again, but there wouldn't be any balance in that. I have heard also that some folks grieve the loss of the old life which I gather can happen in the transition to the new.
Then there is the analogy from my hobby, sailing. From time to time we have what can only be called a really bad trip, two or three days of bad weather, rain, cold winds and sea sickness - really miserable. Then we get home and guess what? No one is that keen to go sailing anymore. But give it a month or two, sitting around the fire chatting we find we can only remember the good parts of the last voyage, the sunny days, the amazing scenery, the crystal clear water, the insanity has returned- we've completely forgotten the bad stuff as we plan the next adventure.
My good old days were pretty good - at the time. It was just that I didn't realise what I was doing to myself - and worse, my family - until it all came crashing down.
So I can go get drunk and have good times but every mouthful puts another ball in the air to juggle and sooner or later it will crash down again - maybe forever.
That's all I have to remember. I can do it, and I can have fun doing it, but the price is not worth it and never will be.
Hey Lee ,good to see ya!! Yes that was definitely "mothers live " at the East,saw last show there ,Grand funk railroad,pacific gas and electric and Bloodrock,(ONE OF MY FAVORITE BANDS.ANSLEY dUNBAR DRUMMING FOR fRANK AT THAT TIME WITH GUESTS fLO AND eDDIE... ANYWAY....for some reason to me all the "good: times I had were always outshadowed by the "always' plummet to doom...I replaced my search for my "spot" cARLOS cASTENADA)for the spot mY higher Power now brings me..I do think of the friday night card games,fleetingly think of ,too bad and i can't touch none of that,but im good.I was close to something after 23 years when Eric went on a "trail of devastation and terror,but my faith ,Gods guidance took me thru the strom(us)I can honestly say ,for me,the memories were always ,replaced by the picture of horror..Kind of like when a bottle of Southern Comfort or Jack is popped and I pick up a whiff,my stomach ,blips,or the smell of rope burning in the air,like cigarettes do to me now also,after smoking 3 packs a day from early childhood(after service,burning that many)Anyway,I must remain focused cause we know the "monster" will always want us back.I actually had a dream 2 weeks ago,that I was drinking a beer while sharing my ESH at a meeting.Yikes,where did that come from,insidious,lurking,sneaky,overtaking before we are aware,,,///...anyway....:)
__________________
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
My good old days were pretty good - at the time. It was just that I didn't realise what I was doing to myself - and worse, my family - until it all came crashing down.
So I can go get drunk and have good times but every mouthful puts another ball in the air to juggle and sooner or later it will crash down again - maybe forever.
That's all I have to remember. I can do it, and I can have fun doing it, but the price is not worth it and never will be.
Amen...brother. The price of admission is not worth the pain a relapse can cause. Just another reason why sobriety should always remain our priority.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Tuesday 2nd of August 2011 02:20:55 AM
well it's a progressive illness isn't it. So for me there were times when I could and would drink like a gennulman, but also during that time there were times where the allergy to alcohol caused me to break out in arsehole.
the periods of episodic or binge drinking got closer and closer together, the periods in between were more and more filled with restlessness, irritability and discontent.
I have a pocketful of good times drinking stories, but recognise that as the disease progressed, the good time drinking often and more and more frequently ended with bad time drinking, until I got to the point where the drink didn't do the job, the beer didn't hit the giggling pin anymore and believe me if it did then I wouldn't be here, in probably both sense of the term.
It's too easy to stay with all the drinking was badtimes. the truth for me there were lots of good times, followed by lots more badtimes, followed now by better sobertimes.
Mi sponsor likes to remind me to play the tape all the way to the end, what starts as genial conviviality with friends, for me, ends with lonely and desperate isolation. There is shag all glamourous about being a drinking alkie, there is no live fast, die young leave a beautiful corpse, there is no skidding sideways up to the pearly gates with a worn out body bellowing 'what a ride' for a drinking alkie.
I'll skid in sideways, tyres smoking, engine screaming, pistons bouncing off the valves and sober thanks. and hopefully, not for a very long time. I've got a second chance at life, how many get that? I don't want to waste it.
-- Edited by bikerbill on Wednesday 3rd of August 2011 08:58:54 AM
__________________
It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
you know...the drinking itself was always very very good to me -emotionally-....it was the "not drinking" bits, the "intervals between drinking" that KILLED me, the lost jobs, lost scholarships, the lost relationships, waking up in Jail, Mexico, Florida, waking up with a bona fide Bigfoot (she exists, I woke up with her) my friends and I have always HOWLED about our drinking stories, laughed till the tears ran down our faces because we were such idiots, but...like...no "romancing it", hard to explain but I don't regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it, it made me who I am today, the only thing is I wish I could have done it at Harvard or Jet Pilot school or something instead of behind (and in front of) a bar, like drinking stole a LOT from me, opportunities etc, since I was a daily drunk by the time I was 14-15, friends in school that I was WAY smarter then, that I -dusted- on the SAT's, aptitude tests, and IQ tests, but they were getting scholarships to Berkely at 16 and graduating with Masters at 20...and I was just too busy getting drunk every day, sure still getting 100% on every test they put in front of me but was so obviously falling down drunk during the test they didn't know what to make of me...I'm bumping into these guys at 21 fixing their drinks and waiting their tables as they were working on their first or second PHD, that's what I mourn, my lost childhood and "what could have been"
__________________
it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Having survived the crash, there are times that I look back and am so puzzled as to why I thought I was having such a great ride. And yet, until running off the rails that last time, there were some awesome journeys, with much good stuff woven in.