I hope this post finds everyone well, happy and sober tonight.
My sponsor is out of town for the weekend and there really isn't any other AA I wish to call about this. I need some help. I'm asking for prayers. The obsession of John has returned! It's been over 2 weeks since things ended and I was doing fine. Today has been different. Not sure what changed, or why, but I can not get him off my mind. It has turned into that sick feeling in my gut and once again, my heart is breaking. Am I revisiting a stage of loss? I have continously asked to be released from these feelings, but to no avail tonight.......... Suggestions? Advice? Anything? ......... I don't have the desire to drink at it, but I'm afraid if this feeling doesn't leave soon, I will.
Thank you all
Love and hugs,
Doll
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* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
Doll, I know just how you feel and I wish I could give you good news but I can't. I don't know how long you and John were together or if he was in recovery also? My story is I met Mercedes right after I got clean, she had 6 months moret ime then me and was hooked up with one of my first sponsor friends. Her sponsor was secratary of a small book study and had to give it up so I became secratary and Mercedes was GSR Her relationship ended and we hooked up and we were like the perfect recovery couple. At the time it seemed like we had a lot in common and ended up moving in together and planning on marriage. We live in the Bay area and I bought a house in Sacramento (Her credit was bad so it was in my name. Just when it seemed like we had everything in life to be happy thing started to go wrong. I went from doing no wrong to being unable to do anything right and the harder I tried the more it slip like sand through my hands. Mercedes ended up leaving and left behind alot of debt which almost caused me to lose the house. But before it went bad it was the best 3 years of my life. I have resentments, I miss her, I love her I hate her. I guess I'm still one sick puppy but it never made me want to drink, sometimes I think I stay clean out of spite. I pray, I still don't know how things went so wrong. Not much help. Good luck. Bob.
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Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt, and
dance like no one is watching.
Hey Doll:) All I can share with you is understanding of, what you are going through, and about to go through. The greiving stages of loss. Everything is different and its a new territory.
Im speaking for myself, and am no authority. All I know for sure is--there was sadness, anger, a void, blaming, anxiety, depression--feeling alone- the what ifs, insecurities-and theres likely lots more. Emotions were up and down like a yo yo for 3 months, and I can still get triggers, and go into a few emotional hangovers. I felt like I was lost-I missed the good times-the companionship etc. It was like being in the middle of a lake some days, without a boat, or a life jacket. Self esteem went for a crap--sense of failure--rejection, there was lots of pain, sleepless nights, and on and on,
All I can add, is, that it does get better, one day at a time, and with time, as you fill that void with new things, for you.
I was very fortunate to have a good freind going through the same thing, and we sorta held each other together, and gave support to each other, and are both comming out the other end of the tunnel. Its not easy, and some days, I can still backslide., but its a forward thing with acceptance and faith. Keeping busy helps-venting helps-freinds and AA helps
I can share with you that it will be ok. You will be ok.
Youve got some email addresses and this board also. Vent the pain and how you feel-try to keep it from building up inside you.
We are here, and some of us have been through this. You are not alone. Hugs to yu.
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
Smart? :) No. Just lots of experience with pain. A lot of it, was self inflicted, from going down dead end roads, with a car that had very little air in the tires, and an engine that was low on oil.:)
Today--one hasta still put in AA gas each day. And, if its old AA gas from yesterday, the car does a lot of chuggin.
Lotta dents in the car too, but it keeps going, for some reason--gotta remove reverse gear from it tho. I keep backin into things, that go bang!!, in the night.:)
Higher power drives it, if I let Him. I sit in back seat and just ask, if its ok to take this road, or that one.
On a road now, where there are a few bumps, and I say to Him "You sure about this?" The answer I get back is "Trust me" and "Put a pillow under your butt" And "Hang On" hahaha
Have a good day Doll!! :)
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
Doll, I want you to know you are in my prayers. As Phil has said, it's all a process , we have to go through the feelings , we just can't go around them. If we try , they catch us at the time we least expect and then we get in trouble. Sorry, I keep saying we, I guess cause I'm going through the same thing right now.
I will go visit my husband in jail today, and then have to feel all the emotions again. I will be glad when they send him down south.
I went to 5 meetings this week, talked to program people, but mostly spilled my guts to God, He is always there, He can't run and hide or screen the call...
This too shall pass, and let time take all the time it needs, you are exactly where you are suppose to be. Stay sober, you are worth it.
Hi Doll, sorry I can't offer any practical advise, but prayers are on the way to you from England. Try to keep smiling, and never give up.
Phil: Regarding the car with very little air in the tires and low oil and dents, it's mine, can you please return it for tomorrow morning. I was wondering where it was! (laughing) You forgot to mention the rust and blown head gasket.
Best wishes to you all.
Chris.
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"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989"
After my post last nite (about my A family), I finally got to sleep. Then about 2 hours later, my A called me (should’ve turned off the ringer).
It was a crazy conversation. I was happy to hear from him, but he was in HATE mode. I got steamed. I should’ve known better that he’d be that way because of the late hour.
I got to my senses & was able to sleep after that. He leaves things hanging, he hangs up on me EVERYTIME.
But, I have to let it go. I’ll go crazy trying to figure out his warped mindset. He always hates me & breaks up with me. Leaves a dangling carrot, just enough to make me crazy & tells me I’m wrong. It’s amazing how this man can affect me!
It’s the game, I know.
Gotta let it go…….
The sun came up today. It’s a beautiful day here in Florida. I will go for a bike ride later & make it work for ME. That’s all I can do.
Relationships in recovery are one of the hardest things to deal with. If you hook up with a normy (what's that) they don't understand people like us and think we're crazy (duh) and if we hook up with someone else in recovery we try to feed off each others recovery (2 half soul don't make a whole soul) and our obsessive behavior destroys the relationship. We hurt the ones we love most of all and don't even know it. One of my mentors told me that the drinking and drugs was just a symptom of our disease (just the tip of the iceberg). When I got sober I was told that i'd feel BETTER, I thought they meant that I feel good, they meant I FEEL MORE. I drank so I wouldn't feel and if I'd know I'd have to feel all the pain I was trying to hide from I mighthave not quit, but I was in so much pain I was willing to do anything. I eventually had to get to that place where I was okay with myself and could except that maybe I would never find (true love) and that was one of the best years of my recovery. Of course later a relationship literly fell in my lap and now I'm once again looking for that peace and acceptance that I once knew. Good luck and God Bless. Bob.
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Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt, and
dance like no one is watching.
Thanks for sharing with me........ I feel your love and prayers........ Nothing like a little ES&H to make me feel better......... You all are so awesome.
I'm better today all the way around.
Hugs,
Doll
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* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
I'm late coming to this thread, but am so glad to hear you're doing better. I remember when I first found this forum some two weeks ago you had mentioned how your boyfriend had "dumped" you, but that you could deal with that, as he was not the One. All I can offer for advice is focus on that: He is not the One for You. Sometimes no companionship is preferable to companionship with another person not suited for our needs. And I truly speak from experience there, believe me.
You were one of the first to welcome me here with open arms, so I send a big hug your way, and wish you only the best. M
