Today has marked 8 whole days since my last drink (woo!).
My update has been that I have been attending meetings every weekday (M-F), I have my blue book, and I have a sponsor.
However, I would like to share the experience I had yesterday.
I was in a wonderful mood when I got to my meeting. I got there early so I was reading and saying hi to the people I am getting to know. Yet, halfway through the meeting something happened - this wave of anger just flushed right through me. I was so irritated and upset and I had no idea why Then little thoughts kept running through my head - do I EVEN BELONG HERE? Do I have a problem? Nah....you don't fit here. You don't drink everyday. That guy over there just said that if you are not desperate enough, this won't work - I haven't hit my rock bottom so maybe I am not desperate enough. Shit, this isn't going to work. I bet I can do this alone. Yeah....fuck this.
That was my internal dialogue - during a meeting. Awful, eh?
Good thing is that after the meeting, my sponsor met up with me and we sat to talk. She knew I was aggravated and upset. I explained to her what happened, that I didn't know why I was upset, that I felt so angry. She told me - this is your disease talking to you. She also said hang on, it gets better. Call me. Text me. Whatever you need to stay away from drink, just do it. How right she was. I felt so angry and irritated that I was ready to throw away a week of sobriety and hit the next bar and drink my anger away. But she was right - this was my disease trying to talk me out of AA and back to drinking. Needless to say I was still in a bad mood when I got home, but I turned on the TV and read. After a while, I felt better.
Today after my meeting I saw my sponsor and she said I had such a glow, I looked completely different from the angry and irritated bluebee. I was happy, I felt great and I had another day of sobriety on my belt.
Two things I learned from this (from the help of my sponsor):
1) Take what you need from the meetings and leave the rest at the door. Not all that is said is bible.
2) As your life in sobriety progresses, so does your disease. It gets more elegant and sophisticated. But it gets better!!
We also read this part (which explained my awful mood):
Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced in alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable, and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks - drinks which they see others taking with impunity.
Thanks for sharing. 8 days is wonderful bluebee. Something to build upon, that's for sure. You've realized in just 8 days what has taken some people 8 years to finally figure out. The fatal nature of our malady that is. Our alcoholism, pure and simple. How the story unfolds from here is up to you. So, keep your guard up as you proceed from this point forward.
Having a great sponsor -like you said- has so many benefits. And the benefits are obvious, as you politely pointed out. A sponsor can help calm our nerves, quiet our demeanor, and stimulate our resolve -Especially, when our disease tries to play the devil's advocate. Something, you found out the hard way. How we respond from here, determines both our fate and destiny. You responded well and can -with the help of your sponsor- see brighter days for years on end.
The hand of AA was there when you needed it the most and will be a source of strength for years to come, I do believe. I hope the relationship with your sponsor grows exponentially, as does your life in the sober realms of AA. Both can withstand the test of time and produce lasting results throughout our sobriety. My prayer for you and every other sober member of this fellowship, is that it does -one day at a time.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Thursday 28th of July 2011 02:13:20 AM
Good work BLUEBEE.share whats in your heart,get into the solution and move forward.THE PROGRESSION OF THE DISEASE IS ONGOING EVEN DURING ABSTINENCE.That is why we have a daily reprieve ,based on a fit spiritual condition,accomplished by applying spiritual principles in our lives and actions and remaining guided by our Higher Power..This is a relentless illness that always wants us back...In 8 days you have made tremendous advances, it works if you work it so work it your worth it. After almost 27 years free of active addiction, I still have periods of 'diseased thinking"and apathy and frustration,cause i am human and I fall,but I do know how to move toward the solution, although sometimes feeling like i am dragging a bus toward it,,,It truly does get better, we have to go thru things to get to the other side, the better we do it,the better we get at it.....thanks for the message of hope and progress by doing the "work"....
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Mahalo B-bee...Been there and done that and also did what was suggested to get through it. All that your sponsor gave you was how it was suggested to me and how I suggest it to sponsees and others.
I didn't know about feelings where I first got to program and it took my alcoholism counselor at the VA to inform me that emotions are "inside reactions to outside events" and other said "they just are" and "I don't have to react to them". I was also told that feeling were choices and after I got over the intitial negative reaction to that one I asked my sponsor, "Do you mean that I can choose my feelings rather than to have them choose me?" He responded, "Now you're learning". I hated being victim to random emotions of anger because they were soooo controlling and powerful and I don't like being held down by anything or one. I learned to choose a different feeling when the anger hit me. Then I learned that just prior to feelings of anger what I usually zoomed by quickly was the feelings of fear...almost imperceptible but still very there. I love the learning but I hated the experiences of the learning; it was slow and treacherous and so my sponsor took me a grade up with a discussion on "If you hate the feelings that you are going thru because of the feelings you are choosing...choose to feel the opposites."
The opposite of anger is acceptance...page 449 of the 3rd edition and ESH of every recovering alcoholic that ever read and learned on that Dr. Paul discovery.
The opposite of resentment is forgiveness...pre-AA discovery and a foundation block of recovery since the beginning. "We can ill afford them..."
The opposite of fear is love...very special vertical lesson for me...HP sponsorship. Fear cannot exist in the presence of love and love will not exist where fear is entrenched.
Yes our disease is discribed as being cunning, powerful and baffling but... There is one who has all power, that one is God, may you find him(/her/it...as I understand God) now.
Congradulations on your well earned sober time and thanks for bringing the lesson here. ((((hugs))))
Wow, this is weird. I've just had to out myself as having resentments not a million miles away from the ones that you've described. lol, part of it (sorry ;) )was about folks with four days or so sharing like they're experts at this program and how, frankly, I didn't want to hear their stuff.
Well, as the fellas above have just said, you've learned what folks who have been in longer than 8 days still don't get -- such as me, for starters - so thanks! You've helped me and I've learned a whole bunch more about the wisdom in this fellowship, especially from those with 8 days with good sponsors and open minds. :)
My sponsor says that he can still struggle with getting pissed off at meetings after 31 years in this sobriety thing, and when he does, he knows that what's really wrong is something about him.
Jerry, thanks for your thoughts on the opposites of emotions. I really am trying to cope with anger when it pops up (just like ten minutes ago lol) - but you made a very good point. I DO have the choice to feel what I want to feel. It just seems so simple, but it is so so difficult to do. Instead of anger, I guess I can accept that I cannot change what has just happened to make me angry (in this case, an email a coworker sent to me). I can try to accept that I am not able to control someone's anger or emotions, but I can change how I FEEL. Breathe in, breathe out. Courage to accept the things I cannot change - NOW IT MAKES SENSE WHY WE SAY THE SERENITY PRAYER BEFORE EVERY MEETING!!!
Wow, this is weird. I've just had to out myself as having resentments not a million miles away from the ones that you've described. lol, part of it (sorry ;) )was about folks with four days or so sharing like they're experts at this program and how, frankly, I didn't want to hear their stuff.
Hi Steve,
Well I am certainly no expert lol, never will try to be one either. But honestly, at least in this point in my sobriety, I find much wisdom in the folks that have been working the steps for so long, and I can RELATE to the newbies that are feeling almost the same way I am. Perhaps my HP is just giving me a good day lol!
Bluebee - Look at it this way: You have the same disease as the rest of us and your internal dialog always wants to tell you that you are unique, different, and the exception to the rule. It almost talked you out of a meeting. The next step is out of AA and then relapse. I have seen it happen so so so many times. In the process of that happening is when people do get that desperation and progress to daily drinking. It sounds like you really don't want to go there and you have good insight into that. So, stay firmly planted in your AA seat and keep up the good work. Love to hear more from you and your journey. Not enough folks stick around here to post their early sobriety efforts and how they are doing it a day at a time.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Then little thoughts kept running through my head - do I EVEN BELONG HERE? Do I have a problem? Nah....you don't fit here. You don't drink everyday. That guy over there just said that if you are not desperate enough, this won't work - I haven't hit my rock bottom so maybe I am not desperate enough. Shit, this isn't going to work. I bet I can do this alone. Yeah....fuck this.
