Aloha MIP family...just checking in cause I just crawled out of the well I fell into. Discovered I was dancing around the opening and have been for a while...doing the "I can handle this" dance to the music by the band Denial and then I'm on the bottom, dark, cold, damp, mucky and looking for something to kill.
I read a peace of literature last night that told me that the anxiety of my condition was due to being in my will or between my will and God's will and then reading isn't doing. This morning it took only two events I was completely powerless over to send me to the bottom. I'm grateful for the lessons of the elders especially my elder sponsor who taught me that when I was in doubt about a decision...don't make one and so I went with what I've done almost every Sunday for the past 16+ year...Home group and open honesty asking for help. The picture is clear and the solution with it. The solution isn't new...just needs to be looked at and walked with again as if it is new. "The 3 to 5 seconds of quiet thought between what triggers your serenity and how you respond to it is where you find God."
That area between borders; Gods will and My will is powerless ground and the better outcome from my experience in recovery is inside the boundaries of God's will. I'm workin it...my mind and ears are open. I need to listen and so I am. Mahalo ((((hugs))))
Thank you Jerry for heartfelt message.I know the enemy is also at work as I constantly find myself drifting from the closer contact I am trying to reach with my Higher Power.I am not 15 seconds into my meditiation and I all of a sudden am going over a band song in my head,at the galleria mall,thinking about tomorrows QMRP at work and so on.The blessing is I know whats up, the monster does not want me to connect, so I dig deeper, revert to "practiced " behaviors and open up the lines..We sought thru prayer and meditation to improve our concious contact with God"as we understood Him",praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out!We first use our resources(God given) make a meeting ,share as if our lives depended on it(all of our lives as stated in our 3rd step)and seek help,God takes care the rest...In support Jerry....... O God, Take my will and my life, guide me in my recovery,show me how to live!!! (((Jerry)))))
__________________
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
I am so grateful for this beautiful thread. Thanks for sharing your journey ((Jerry)) I've been thinking about it for days....
I had a reaction this past weekend... well, I started off "pausing"... which looked like the "silent treatment" to my significant other but I knew it was the safest thing for me to do. I tried to pray as I drove the car in silence.. in the beginning, I clearly understood the problem was me. I even tried phoning my sponsor who did not pick up....
Ultimately, my head began to justify my overwhelming stinking thinking and when I did finally engage in conversation, I ended up telling him the nature of all his wrongs, complete with.... "and your ex-wife's name is stupid!" (yep, I even surprised myself at how quickly I became a 3 year-old, and that's when I knew I had to literally put my hands over my mouth and walk outta that room!)
Anyway, I thought of your post (and my own experience) when I read Hazelden today.....
Of course we will make mistakes. We are born with the right to make mistakes. There is no shame in that. Perfection is a false ideal for a real human being. We learn by trial and error. If we try to be perfect, we will meet dead ends and roadblocks because we will inevitably fall short.
Instead, there is wisdom in the motto "Keep coming back." In this instance, the motto refers to returning to our standards. Rather than to strive constantly for higher and higher perfection, our goal is to always return to the rules we live by. Of course we will veer off the path. When we do, we make repairs, pay our dues, and hold our place as full-fledged members of the human race.
Today my goal is to keep returning to my ethics for a good life.
The light in me honors the light in you ((my friend))
-- Edited by gladlee on Wednesday 20th of July 2011 06:39:27 AM
