When I think of boundaries, it helps if I think of a castle in a lake. Boundaries are the drawbridge connecting the castle with the world. Usually the drawbridge is down, and people can walk freely back and forth. However, when danger is sensed, the drawbridge rises to protect the castle. To protect myself from the dangers of my alcoholic family, I shut down and kept my drawbridge closed to guard my feelings and thoughts. Eventually my castle grew musty and foul inside.
#########ROSIE.....i am that castle onthe lake too, before--- in pre-recovery days, the bridges were down for the wrong people...up for the wrong people.....i would tell the mail man my life story and be afraid to trust an aunt or uncle or other safe person who may have helped me!!!!! , i had no rhyme or reason to my boundary setting which in reality were walls with barb wire over them....to protect me from *them* i withdrew/ isolated/ fantasized/ drank/used drugs to either escape or to numb the pain for which there was no escape.......i shut down totally, by the time i was 15, i was *gone away*...disassociated from all but the basics of life, pretty much, in school was the only time i could *come out* a bit and be human.....but there was even a numbness to that.......my abuser had permeated just about all of me!!!
When I reached Al-Anon, I couldn't distinguish between real and imagined threats. By listening to members share, I learned to recognize danger signals in the behavior of others and how to respond appropriately. On occasion the danger signals are not clear. Sometimes what I perceive as a threat is something I've conjured up in my own mind. If I immediately shut down my feelings in reaction, I usually end up hurting myself or someone else. In the end I might lose an opportunity to grow or a chance to love and be loved.
#####ROSIE....for me, by late teens, my *hyper alertness* grew worse....i suspected EVERYone....i was unable , totally unable to trust ANYthing, even God was not to be trusted!!!! i was on my guard and for me everyone was a potential threat.......for me my way of protection was to isolate....and when i was working or otherwise amongst other humans, i kept everyone at arms length......people would call me "nice but very distant".....how many opportunities for love /happiness i missed out on because of my morbid fear of being *screwed over* again??? i don't even want to know
With the help of my Higher Power and the Serenity Prayer, I've learned to distinguish between real and imagined threats. I learned to recognize and respect others' boundaries. I'm also able to discern when it's wiser for me to remain open to someone I love and trust even when I want to close up out of fear. I remind myself that I can't experience love, joy, and trust, and completely abandon myself to my Higher Power if I can't risk feeling the other extremes of sadness, hurt, and fear. Thought for the Day Knowing when to open and when to close my boundaries is a learning experience. "Boundaries are flexible, changeable, removable, so it's up to me how open or closed I'll be at any given time." *Courage to Change*, p 201 ----------
#####ROSIE....for me too, the program/ finding my hp, and becomming more and more habitized with the program tools, i began to *come out of my cave* inch by inch, and be OPEN......WILLING to love and be loved......my bridges are down, like described above, however i have **gatekeepers* or *sentrys* there.....as people approach, the welcome sign is out, however my *gatekeepers* are checking id's watching / observing....at first the potential friend/ mate is welcome to walk outside *on the grounds* no admittence yet, because they are still on "probation" welcome, but the approach to the "castle" is a step by step thing!!!!! AS one proves they are safe, they can get closer and closer and hopefully if they are really safe, they can come on inside where it is warm and friendly........however at ANY time, they prove to be unsafe my *sentrys* can walk them *back off the property* and they are "86'd" off the premises.......human error i forgive with boundaries.........willful destructive behaviour, they get *walked off the property* not to return!!!!!! so for me??? my drawbridges are down, and the *potential* to get in the castle is there, however, one must pass inspection by my *castle sentrys*.........i accept that this planet earth has evil entities roaming about, and i also accept and give thanks for the LIGHT entities who travel about , perfectly imperfect, spreading love and healing!!!! ....i believe it doesn't take long for either to *show their true colors*.....observance/ being watchful/ friendly but careful, the truth comes out!!! i don't think anyone can *play act* forever!!!!!! patience and observance is what i do.......AND , listening to what my HP is telling me behind the scenes.......i can have fun in the sun but i gotta have my *sunscreen* on......thank you DONE
thanks (((phil))) hope your day is goin well too!!!!! i have a child hood friend over my house for a few days....having lots of fun, catching up on old gossip with him...hehehehe......see ya later/ rosie
