Hi all. I have a question and thought I could get some feedback here. Will discuss with my homegroup also, but can use all feedback I can get right now. Last week I decided that I could manage my alcoholism/addiction, as I have been sober for a little bit. As you can imagine, it did not go too well. I lied to my spouse again, and now he is so angry. I cannot change what I did, and I had to look honestly at why I did it. I had not completed Step One, I had not surrendered and accepted my disease. I didn't work with a sponsor, never actually worked any steps with another person. Was going to meetings just about daily, reading the BB, but not reaching out outside of the rooms. All of these things are things I need to do, that I must do if I am to live. I get that. I am working on that. I started over at 24hrs with my home group, and as has been said on here, they embraced me. My spouse, not so much. It had been suggested to me to give Al Anon info to him from the beginning, which I did not do. I had been inviting him to meetings and he didn't want to go. Last week he knew I was loaded and I lied anyway, then told him a couple of days later that I had lied. He doesn't want anything to do with me now, won't even talk to me. The only thing he said to me when I told him I lied was that I will never stop lying to him. I told him I am trying and he told me he doesn't believe me. He looks at me with such disgust and anger and it hurts so much. He won't even speak a word to me. I know Al anon can help him if he truly wants to understand, but should I suggest it to him now after what I did and with him being sooooo angry? Do I just let him be and work on me? So confused. Thanks for listening. Peace.
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
generally I have found the old truism "money talks bullshit walks" to be true in AA/Sobriety, where sobriety = money. In other words talk means nothing, actions mean everything, if I lie to someone and they get mad at me, they aren't the one with "the problem" and they don't need to go a program to learn how to let me lie to them, the truth is I needed to learn how to stop lying, if i tell someone the truth then if they have a problem with it, it's their problem.
When I finally got sober I didn't even really tell anyone, and pretty soon people figured it out because I said what I meant and I meant what I said, I showed up when I said I would show up, and I did what I said I was going to do, before AA I judged myself by my intentions while everyone else judged me by my actions, in AA I learned to put my money where my mouth was, and instead of saying "I will never do this again" when I am not sure, I say "I may not be done doing this, I will do my best and my best has to be good enough" but for the people who were "done" with me because of my drinking, words were less then meaningless, actions speak louder then words
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I identify with a lot of this. I've tried several times to quit, some attempts long, some a day or two, my wife and I finally ended up separated due to things I did while I was drinking. Finally to a point where I'm starting to go to meetings. Even though it's been over for a month now since we broke up, and I'm very doubtful we'll get back together, she is the person I want more than anyone else to know I can quit. But my one of my biggest problems is I only really wanted to quit so she wouldn't be mad at me anymore. Being separated has forced me for the first time ever to truly want it for my own reasons.
He may never understand and maybe he will never trust you 100%. You will have to show him through your action and not your words. We lead by example. It takes time.
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The smallest of good deeds is greater than the best of intentions.
Anonymous
I do not think my wife trust me after 3 years and 3 months. But then again, I do not trust myself. The Promises are comforting, but I have misunderstood. We pay. We always pay. We are not immune to our consequences, just because we stopped. The deck I dealt remains unchanged. The Rooms enable me to keep on playing.
Last winter, I thought about starting my life over with a clean slate, divorce. Shortly after, I realized my hands were dirty, never the slate. Just as everything else in our lives, if I withdraw from the task or test, the same will be given. Until I pass or goof up so bad that it will lead to bigger ones. They say the only relationship in life is the one with Him. Different faces and different circumstances.
Most of us go back to bottle because we can not face our wreckage without the bottle. Fancy or real, some of us wreck it good. In my case, He did what I could not do for myself. Meanwhile, I hide myself in the rooms, 2 meetings at 6 and 8 PM. Honestly, I could not do anything else but going to meetings.
I can not tell you what to do. Although I do not have a dog in your fight, I do not know anything about a relationship. I know what not to do, but I know you know that already. Is it better than? Absolutely. Is it all fun and games? H no. If you expect a rose garden, you might as well. For me, it is not simple, nor easy. It is a female dog to be an Alk and not to drink. As much as I know I am not a love-and-peace, I know it is the only design for me to live. It aint so bad.
Some says, "trudge" means to walk with purpose, I say it means walking with heavy feet. The reason my feet are heavy is because I am carrying some of the baggages from the past and present, weight of my ego, the self. Knowing all that, I can not let go. I want to but. Do you think I am running on my self will? Oh, yes. It is killing me. Will it be better tomorrow? Are these extravagant promises? I HOPE NOT.
-- Edited by The Walk on Monday 27th of June 2011 12:02:38 AM
I relapsed "many times" throughout my early years before I put some quality time together. I had to get a grip on my alcoholism first, before I was able to resolve any other issues -especially relationships. I was more anxious than depressive, which triggered more relapses than anything. My recovery would be put on hold, time and time again, until I came to terms with "what I've become" and most importantly, "why I drank".
My relationships started to bloom inside and outside the fellowship, after I decided to trust the wisdom of some very astute fellows- my support network. The common knowledge found in AA and support forums like this one, has provided me with some valuable insights on recovery and/or relationships and how important it is to remain in the process of recovery, regardless of the circumstances. I'm not only regaining the trust of my family and friends but also those of my one time extended family. I had to heal those past wounds -as well, and did so by repairing what had been done to my ex-fiancé' and her family as the result of my alcoholism. She has moved on with her life and I can as well, now that I am in recovery.
Moving past my inhibitions and coming clean about everything including why I drank has been the most rewarding attribute this alcoholic has benefitted from in sobriety. I no longer have to sift through the endless barrage of excuses to finally admit where the problem lies and how my alcoholism affects everything- including relationships. I started to realize that the more I drank the more complicated everything else can become. Hopefully...not for today.
Dont beat yourself up -nezyb, over what can be construed as a minor inconvenience as the result of your indiscretions. There is still hope for anyone who has the capacity to honest -like you just were. So, allow us the privilege of welcoming you back into the fold of AA and this recovery forum and help you mend those fences that have seen better days. Try to remember this dear as you proceed from here: Dont give up on yourself or your relationship -not just yet. There is still another chapter just waiting to be told. We haven't given up and neither should you.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Monday 27th of June 2011 02:54:34 AM
Relapse is not the shame,the shame is not making it back,many of us didn't'.Start again,you have the tools you will need to continue with the desire.Trust will have to be earned.My son (25) a hard core recovering Heroin addict in recovery ,almost a year ,after 7 years of trauma for him and us still has limits on his contact with us.Take care of yourself and let your actions speak for themselves.Im sure if your husband wanted to attend program he would.I attend Nar-Anon ,active member for over 4 years for co-dependency issues with my son.I also use the tools of the program to help me.Glad your back here sharing,most of my crew didn't make it!!You know what you have to do different this time,in prayer and support!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
If you haven't done the steps, you haven't done AA.
"I had not completed Step One, I had not surrendered and accepted my disease. I didn't work with a sponsor, never actually worked any steps with another person. Was going to meetings just about daily, reading the BB, but not reaching out outside of the rooms."
If steps 1 through 11 are taken (in order, as written in the BB) something will happen.
That something is a spiritual awakening. Listen to this:
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as THE result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
So, it isn't too surprising that the result of steps 1-11 don't happen if one hasn't DONE steps 1-11. In short, while not drinking until there is a ... personality change sufficient to bring about recovery ... BB p.567(569), Appendix II, Spiritual Experience The terms "spiritual experience" and "spiritual awakening" are used many times in this book which, upon careful reading, shows that the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism has manifested itself among us in many different forms.
If, however the steps to a spiritual experience, spiritual awakening, or personality change are NOT taken, then those things don't tend to happen.
And usually, people drink again. This isn't a big mystery.
One can't RE lapse unless one lapses. To "lapse" is to fall from a previous standard.
Working the AA program (steps 1-12, causing a spiritual awakening) of recovery is the standard. You can't fall from where you haven't been.
When you drink, it doesn't mean that one's spouse isn't working their program. It means that it might be time to consider working the AA program.
Just a suggestion.
-- Edited by Rainspa on Monday 27th of June 2011 12:07:40 PM
Thanks to all of you for responding. I am truly amazed that people who don't even know me care enough about my success to give me support, both here and in my home group. The message I get is that if I want sobriety and recovery, it is mine, but not if I do not fully surrender and accept my disease. I have hopefully done that this time, but as Lin Baba said in his post, "I may not be done doing this, but I will do my best and my best has to be good enough." My husband and I had a semblance of a conversation yesterday, and the message I got was that he is disappointed more than anything else. I get that. I am more disappointed in myself than he could ever be. I cannot wallow in that. I have to let it go and move on. Today is a new day, and God willing, I will have another 24hrs when I lay my head down on my pillow tonight. And that is the most important thing. The rest will follow. Today, I will lead by example. Again, thank you all for your feedback. This program truly is a miracle. Peace
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
Nezyb - you listed like 5 things/suggestions that you know you didn't follow. Willingness is key in AA....You have to be willing to go to any lengths. You KNOW what you need to do already (in addition to meetings) because you listed them in your first post. Alcoholism still has a firm grip on you it sounds like. Having a sponsor is about working the steps, but talking to them daily is a way of learning to live the steps daily. In discussions with your sponsor and AA fellows you "tell" on your illness and thereby get feedback on behaviors associated with the disease (lying, isolation, terminal uniqueness...etc) before they bite you in the ass and cause a relapse.
As far as your husband goes....You just focus on what is in your hoolah hoop. Put your recovery 1st. He is not an idiot and could have found alanon himself if he wanted. Also, while I think Alanon might help him better understand the disease you have, I think it would be a crying shame if it made his boundaries more lax in terms of condoning or accepting behaviors that you don't really want condoned if you think about it. The purpose of alanon is not for the significant other to understand and forgive active drinking and poor behaviors...it is for them to learn to focus on themselves and to detach from you and your disease.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
