Sometimes it helps to understand that we may be receiving a payoff from relationships that cause us distress.The relationship may be feeding into our helplessness or our martyr role.Maybe the relationships feeds our need to be needed, enhancing our self-esteem by allowing us to feel in control or morally superior to the other person.Some of us feel alleviated from financial or other kinds of responsibility by staying in a particular relationship."My father sexually abused me when I was a child," said one woman. "I went on to spend the next twenty years blackmailing him emotionally and financially on this. I could get money from him whenever I wanted, and I never had to take financial responsibility for myself."
######ROSIE...oh for me it was my X b.f.....he was a wonderful little guy, but a major "A"....i mean he always went to work (was in navy) but soon as he was off??? he had to **get a buzz*...i knew we weren't going to marry cause i was trying to **get my mud together and stop the **numbing of my pain* and he was not even close to wanting to recover.......12 years we were together...i was too scared to be alone....too afraid i would *not make it* that my *needs would not be met*...his financial and emotional help....i was so coda on him it wasn't even funny.....and he was coda on me for the emotional support i gave him!!!!! ......my incest agressor father was another horrible relationship.....of course i was not OLD enough to stay away when i would run away...so i demanded money from him for my **services*......if he was gonna make me drink with him and play *customer and whore* he was gonna pay for it!!! i think also i did that to have **some control* over my impossible and at that time hopless situation....like the hostage **making the best of it* is what i did...but yeah, i demanded money ....finally i was able to steal enough from him to run away permanently......i had gotten my own apt. but was still working for him, and he would conme down my place to **pester me* and finally as sick as i was, i finally got up the gumption to have a **garage sale* at his place, while he was gone, pocket my money and i ran 3,000 miles to get away from him.......
Realizing that we may have gotten a codependent payoff from a relationship is not a cause for shame. It means we are searching out the blocks in ourselves that may be stopping our growth.We can take responsibility for the part we may have played in keeping ourselves victimized. When we are willing to look honestly and fearlessly at the payoff and let it go, we will find the healing we've been seeking. We'll also be ready to receive the positive, healthy payoffs available in relationships, the payoffs we really want and need.Today, I will be open to looking at the payoffs I may have received from staying in unhealthy relationships, or from keeping destructive systems operating. I will become ready to let go of my need to stay in unhealthy systems; I am ready to face myself.
#####ROSIE.....no, i am not ashamed of what i did!!!! with the agressor, i was trapped!!! making the best of being in a hostage situation....wiht my X b.f., i did feel some shame, cause i KNEW it was wrong...but i couldn't help it...i was terrified of the thought of **making it on my own* i felt like i was totally incapable of taking care of me.....my abuser convinced me i was a failure and a jerk.....how was i to take care of me?????? now i look back......and i am amazed at how far i have come since then.....my abuser even separated me from any God, i had issues with trusting in ANYthing, even God, now i know that i can take care of me...my HP works THROUGH me as healing/ hope/ abundence/ love/ health/ self expression......i don't have to **use* anyone anymore to **meet my survival needs* i can do it with my HP and ME!!!! together we are a good team!!!! thank you DONE
Hi Rosie. I never have taken the opportunity to welcome you, personally, to our board--and I do that now.
I have been going through your posts and can identify with some things from childhood, and a lot of the rest of what youve shared, also.
You sound like youve fought one "H' of a battle to get where you are today. Im not judging or critisizing you in any way, but I get these vibes that you are still fighting the battle. I sense walls, of protection, all over the place. I sense a lot of emotion, and love within, but that cannot be given fully or accepted. I sense a feeling of loneliness, and isolation. I sense a battle of survival, and a big war, that carries on within. I sense resentment, anger, and hurt, and someone whos withdrawn into a shell.---and if someone got too close, would be pushed away because of fear. I sense a lot of fear vs determination and self will. You can hit me with a hammer if Im wrong.:) and Im not taking your inventory either.:) Its like turning the clock back and looking at myself in a mirror.
The reason that Im getting these vibes through your posts is because Ive been there Rosie. Ive been there. And even tho I dont know you--I just want to let you know, that you are not alone. You are loved and appreciated by everyone on this board--I am sure-as we all share our experience strength and hope with each other.
Took this guy a long time before I could let those walls down--give love and accept love--and trust was a biggy also, along with forgiveness. There were a lot of things I couldnt let go of. Doesnt mean we forget--but they were ruling my life, on a daily basis. I was living my todays, based on my yesterdays, and lived most of them being fear driven.
I think the most important thing I was forgetting to do was to live. I was so busy picking weeds in the garden I forgot to enjoy the fruits.
Anyway Rosie--I apoligize to you if I offended you here, in any way. Im bending over. You can kick me now.:) Hugs Phil
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
PHIL..................still fighting the battle. I sense walls, of protection, all over the place. I sense a lot of emotion, and love within, but that cannot be given fully or accepted. I sense a feeling of loneliness, and isolation. I sense a battle of survival, and a big war, that carries on within. I sense resentment, anger, and hurt, and someone whos withdrawn into a shell.---and if someone got too close, would be pushed away because of fear. I sense a lot of fear vs determination and self will. You can hit me with a hammer if Im wrong.:) and Im not taking your inventory either.:) Its like turning the clock back and looking at myself in a mirror.
ROSIE>>>>>>>i may be fighting it for life.....that is why i am a lifer in the program......NOT walls, but boundaries.....if walls, i would not be WILLING to love SAFE and i say SAFE people........i CAN give/ accept love AFTER one proves safe.......i made the commitment to let go the resentment/anger at the perp....i talk about it in the course of my reocvery....i will never forget!!! no, but it oes NOT control me!!!! if someone gets too close, and they are not INVITED, yes, i will push them away, or better yet, hold them at arms lenght.....ONE has to prove they are safe.......... i am not going to hit you with hammer, but you did do my inventory and it is a bit extreme for present...before recovery you would have been right......now???? you OVER did it on my walls/ not being able to love, etc...........you did do my inventory, but it is your thoughts, not mine....i don't get upset anymore at this....people trying to analyze me.......i used to do that till i learned to "kep the focus on ME...and to give ONLY my ESH".........what others think are no longer my business....thank you for your share....you did a good job on what i used to be, and now am makng progress to overcome.....rosie
well you know phil, i didn't take it as insult...i took it as genuince caring for fellow recovering alkie
this is why i only give my ESH/ and keep focus on me......it "looked" like you were describing the **now me* and not the **yesterday me* oh make no mistake, i have NO misconceptions that i am **done with it* (healing/recovery) but i can be happy in knowing that i don't self abuse anymore....i take care of me now....i don't eat junk food....i don't DRINK!!! i really love me now..... i escape in the program rather than getting high......i don't curse me when i make mistakes....i set BOUNDARIES rather than walls, like i used to......and push people away?????if they are UNsafe??? you bet!!!! if safe???? NO.....but i know that not all people are safe.....they must SHOW me they are safe, than they are welcome ....IN steps....like a ladder......my trust is treasure to be earned.....my love is a blessing to be earned.....i don't give either away without being as sure as i can that the recipient is SAFE.......
you had it right on the OLD rosie...not the new one....and i do confess, i felt a bit triggered being analyzed....but i got over it!!!!! my sponser said to me....."what other people think is not my business" i love that...... you take care, and i do like your kindness.......peace rose.....hey what the hell??? if we were healthy, we would not be here right????? i am in it for life, cause it IS my life.....lately i have been kinda hunkering down backing off people cause i want to really get these **loving tapes/cd's of mine in my sub-conscious mind* overwriting his abuser values is a job......but i am progressing............hugs, from rosie
