I am new to AA. I know I belong here 'coz I am so happy to have amazing people around me. But I am still drinking after meetings. I am so scared to reach out... I am so overwhelmed with what I have to deal with. I know I want to stop. But that other part of my brain just guides to the next liquor store after a meeting and before I know it... I'm at home drinking a glass of wine. Numbing everything. I listen to you all, and I am so moved... to the point where I realize that I have so many years of pain locked away that I just can't open up. Please... I ask for help. I am too scared to call anyone. I am too ashamed.
-- Edited by WanderingSoul on Thursday 23rd of June 2011 02:21:44 AM
Have you picked up a book yet? That might be a good place to start. Remember that you don't have to deal with "years of pain locked away" right now. All you have to do is not drink for the next 24 hours. Just today don't have a drink and go to a meeting.
As for shame: do yourself a favor when you meet people in the program bear in mind that no one, but NO ONE is in AA because they were enjoying a happy life and just thought they'd stop by and see what the alcoholics were up to today. Somewhere in every meeting is someone that has done something FAR more disgusting than you've ever dreamed of.
Don't drink for 24 hours, go to the meeting, get a big book and ask someone to be your temporary sponsor. You'll make it if you have the capacity to be honest.
In the meetings you went to, have you heard about the nature of the disease of alcoholism? Did they talk about that at all?
It sounds like you can't control your drinking even though you want to. Is that true?
What about your life? Would you characterize it as unmanageable?
-- Edited by Rainspa on Thursday 23rd of June 2011 04:01:47 AM
Wandering, one of the greatest gifts you can give in AA is to simply allow yourself to be helped. People want to listen, we want to help you... That is the purpose of AA. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that people went through the steps or found out through meetings that all of the things they thought were so horrible about them and so shameful were really just things that other people had been through too.
There is literally NOTHING you have been through that is not similar or the same as someone else in AA. Getting honest here is a step in the right direction. Next, I would share at a meeting that you are struggling and need a sponsor. What happened for me is that I reached the point where my misery outweighed fears of judgment and shame and I was ready to ask for help and follow suggestions. It is with that kind of surrender that you finally start to build lasting sobriety.
Your disease wants you to stay quiet and isolated. Do not let it win please! It sounds like you are home in AA already so make yourself comfortable!
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
If you do not find a way to deal with that shame/guilt, you will most likely stay drunk.
Why not give AA a much better chance at giving you a good life?
As has been suggested ... stop drinking for today , get to an AA mtg, Get a God, Get a sponsor and work the steps and then help Others do the same.
We all know where you're coming from. While your 'story' may be yours, it is not unique and we share many similarities and it is important to focus on those instead of the differences.
Welcome to MIP, keep coming back , let us know how you are ... you asked for help, and we are all willing to give it. The question is what are you willing to do to stay sober???
Only reqirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking!! C,mon in from the storm,open your mind and heart,if you don't like it here you can always refund your misery!!We are here for each other,won't you join us!!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
When I crawled into the room, it was truly the last house on the block. It took me a year and half to realize I may be sober if I keep coming to the rooms. I thought I was different. I thought you might want to know.
The fact that you post. You post honestly, that is your soul crying. I know you know. There are many things in life you can do by yourself. This is not one of them. The sooner you get into the motion, the less pain would be. Your mind will follow. Talk to others even if you don't mean it. Look for a hope. When you do, it will find you. The tiny spot in your mind the bottle did not stain yet will grow bigger and bigger each time you go to meeting. The fake smile you make in the rooms of AA will turn to real.
No guilt, no remorse and no shame. I know you went through them every time you pour. You know it is your soul, you are drinking. You can not do it alone. I tried. I also know you can not stop till you are done. I am sober 3 years now. I hope I can give you what I was given. I feel your pain from your post. Be kind and try to be honest to yourself. Till then.
Having amazing people around us is truly rewarding, especially in early recovery. Partnering in with those in a sober network can produce lasting results, and some much needed clarity when need be. Don't ever be ashamed or even embarrassed about your past, just reach out and grab the hand of "AA" as it guides you towards a better life, here and now. Recovering alcoholics need to support each other in order to stay sober themselves, so get involved and stay connected. Taking the necessary steps towards achieving lasting sobriety should be paramount to anything else, so dive in with both hands, get connected through your home group and develop a sober routine that can reward you, here and now. We will be here to support you every step of the way. Never give up on yourself or this program. We won't, neither should you.
Hi! Though you really want to break free from alcoholism there are some mechanisms in your brain that were altered by alcohol dependence. This weakens your resolve to stick to your goals. Instead of being frustrated on your inability to control the cravings for alcohol, talk to your AA group about it, get some behavioral therapy and allow a substance abuse counselor to guide you on your way to sobriety.
Im going to quote someone else here, they say it better than I could
About the suggestion to get therapy:
[the writer is]...probably is well intentioned but has no experience with the program. Probably works at a detox or rehab would be my guess. That would give one the impression that they know about alcoholism without having any real knowledge of the program or how it works.
That said, I have a suggestion:
We have let you know that no matter how disgusting and shameful your past (and please remark, it is your PAST) here how and why AA works:
This is a program of one alcoholic talking to another. This is a program of one alcoholic talking to another. This is a program of one alcoholic talking to another. This is a program of one alcoholic talking to another. This is a program of one alcoholic talking to another. This is a program of one alcoholic talking to another.
"I have so many years of pain locked away that I just can't open up. Please... I ask for help. I am too scared to call anyone. I am too ashamed."
That is why AA (when done) works: Because we have too many years of pain. Because we just can't open up. Because we need help. Because we are too scared. Because we are too ashamed.
Because we ARE you.
Because you are home now. Because no matter how far you have gone down the ladder, your experience can help others. And in helping them, you will free yourself.
Because we have found a power that will restore us to sanity. That one is God. May you find him now.
See if you can go to a meeting and see if they say "after the meeting we go for coffee at........" then go there. It might be easier just to talk about the weather, or the game with some AA's at first.
Tell us how it goes.
Edited because sometimes I am full of poo: AA has two parts. The program (steps, traditions, etc.) and the fellowship. I've just used "program" in the above post to describe one alcoholic passing the message to another. Technically I think that would be the fellowship, and how it figures into the program. Sorry.
-- Edited by Rainspa on Tuesday 28th of June 2011 06:11:52 PM
