I went to home group meeting last night. The topic was "a softer gentler way" It was said several times that if the AA program and maintaining sobriety is not easy then you are not working your program correctly. Some say this is a simple program but not an easy one. Also have heard it is a simple program for complicated people. We discussed the importance of daily prayer, working steps, working with a sponser, service work, and reading the Big Book. I agree with doing all these things. Also have heard that we get in our own way by trying to use our own will instead of turning things over to your HP.
I had spent the afternoon having visitation with my children. I was very grateful and I had prayed to stay in the moment with them and enjoy quality time. I had difficulties with my ex-husband that I got upset and mad about but did not engage with him. I talked with sponser about choosing not to be mad so could enjoy visitation. We had an awesome time together. It was very difficult to say goodbye to them. I had prayed, read, and meditated that day on turning my worries over to my HP. I went straight to meeting after taking kids home. I found myself getting angry in the meeting about how easy the program should be if you are working program correctly. Yes, I know the things that make you angry are usually the things that point out something about yourself. Just wondered if anyone had any thoughts on the "softer gentler way." Being sober is such much better than being an active alcoholic but I don't see sobriety and working the steps as easy. Step 4 and 5 were some of the most difficult things I have done in my life. Thanks for any of your responses. I love this site.
If it was easy, why would the big book point out that many of us sought out an easier, softer way?
some days it's a breeze, some days it's a minute at a time.
It is a simple programme, but if it was easy, then none of us would need it, we'd be born with it.
It's progress, not perfection. It's sounds real easy to turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand him. But we have free will, which is what get's us in bother. So we lay our problems at God's feet, then take them back again and play with them. Step 4 is easy once you start, but the fear of starting is so hard. Step 5 is easy once you start, but he fear of starting is what get's us. See a pattern developing?
With practice the programme get's intuitive, get's easier, but early days when still learning - man it's hard. Remember learning to walk, ride a bike, swim. All terribly difficult to begin with, but then suddenly it's easier.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
I think that its not so much the program and sobriety that is hard, but life itself. We need to realize that even tho we work the program and become better people doesnt mean that life all of a sudden gets easy. It gets easier with the program but its still life. I have heard that life doesnt get better we do. So I try to suck it up and fall on my tools to guide me and to help me overcome things when they get hard. Funny how the hard times are fewer now that I live life on lifes terms. Have a good day everybody.
I've always been very fond of JFK's "Go To The Moon" speech, and one phrase from that speech (paraphrased) is "We choose to go to the moon... and do the other things, not because they are easy but because they are hard."
I've done a lot of easy things in my life, and while enjoyable, they rarely contribute much to me in terms of growth. When I heard the magic words, "this is going to be hard", my mind tells me not that it's a thing to be avoided but that it's a thing worth doing.
Sometimes hard is relative, sometimes only part of something is hard. Deciding to have surgery was very hard. I knew I needed it, I knew I could drag my feet and risk further problems, but it was scary - not just the drugs, but the surgery itself, being knocked out, in the hands of an anesthesiologist and a guy with knives, power tools, and cameras... LOL. But actually getting the surgery was easy... I didn't do squat, I just laid there and bingo, it was over and I was awake. The experience might be called hard, but in terms of my own sweat and participation, it was close to nonexistent.
There are parts of working the program that are like that. Making the decision in step 3 is very hard for many of us. I know it was hard for me, especially because I didn't know if I had done it or not, or done it right. I was standing there waiting for an acknowledgement from God that He was now in charge. Really though, step 3 is easy - it's just deciding to do steps 4 thru 12, and those steps - while they are work and sometimes hard work - are pretty straight forward action steps.
I also find that in sobriety, my memory of the hard times fades... not unlike my memories of bad hangovers would fade by sundown and time to start drinking again. That has its good and bad side too. Sobriety has been good to me, and in my first couple of years I often felt it was too easy. Materially things got better for me right away. I remember thinking, that's great - of course I can stay sober, things are going well. But if this or this or this happens, or this doesn't happen, I'll probably drink. Guess what... in the next few years, ALL of those things happened. And I didn't drink. Yeah, that stuff was hard. Would not want to do it again. But the memory of how hard fades, it doesn't haunt my life today - it's part of my story.
Unlike those astronauts who DID go to the moon, some of my hard stuff - continuing to walk the walk - is still ahead of me. I mean really, when you walk on the moon at age 35, what's next? LOL. When you get sober at 31, there's lots and lots and lots more to do - hopefully 50 years or more. Some of it's easy, some of it's hard.
The First few times I went surfing were some of the most miserable times of my life, the board wobbled underneath me and would hit me in the face and moved around with every little bump in the water as I struggled to control it, paddling out used muscles I was unfamiliar with and the workout I got was unlike any workout I had ever gotten in my life, it was an unstable platform in a world I couldn't control, and the harder I tried, the harder it was...I still remember catching my first wave and then standing up, learning to steer the board in the direction I wanted to go by working with the waves rather then against it, the elation I felt from riding an actual "rhythm from God" was indescribable, I was at one with the planet, riding the rhythms of the cosmos, literally, waves being caused by the sun and the moon, gravitational pull...and I was at one with it.
That summer I lost weight and got in better shape then I had ever been, as time went on it as I learned to go "with" the surfboard, and let it move -with- me rather then struggle against it, it got easier and easier requiring less and less effort until it hardly took any effort at all, I learned patience, I was in shape, I was mentally and physically healthy and happy...I had learned to be "at one" with God, at least part of the time....
Working the Program was the same way, I came in the program with an attitude of complete surrender, all my score cards read zero, so I was open to change, I learned it's not change that is uncomfortable and painful, but my resistance to change
I started working step one with my sponsor and things began to happen, I read ahead and realized I was halfway through step two before I ever even looked at it, so my sponsor and I worked step 2 together, and I read ahead again, and realized I was halfway through step 3 before I had ever even looked at it, and so on, as I worked each step it was like a vortex that pulled me into the next step as I came to realize that by working these steps they began working me, on me, in me and in ways I couldn't explain, around me, my outside world began changing the same way physicists describe particles change when you observe them or direct your thoughts at them, my inside life began manifesting itself in the physical world in ways I can only describe as miracles...
Was it effortless?
Yes and no, it provided it's own impetus though when I got it rolling, it was like pushing a heavy car, difficult at first and I didn't think I could do it, but as it started rolling it only required a bit of effort on my part to keep it rolling, and when I did steps 4-9 it was more like hills and valleys, to begin each step I had to -push- to make it up the hill but once I got started it was almost impossible to stop, I started writing on my fourth step and wrote over 100 pages, I started talking in my fifth step and it took days to complete, it was like the breaking of a dam, an entire life I kept bottled up and buried came pouring out, and it felt so good I did it again and again, each time easier then the last until it required no effort at all, much like surfing, and also like surfing it taught me to ride "God's waves", I AM going to go from Point A to Point B, the question is I am I going to surf and enjoy the ride or be drug underwater, struggling and fighting and maybe even drowning because I haven't learned how to "Let Go"
God and The Ocean have a few things in common, they are both powerful beyond measure, and we can only survive happily swimming in them by learning to submit, to move -with- the currents and not against them
It breaks my heart to see people come into this program and not avail themselves of these tools we are given to learn how to ride God's waves, to blame depression, and circumstances and blah blah blah, to watch the waves of life drag them from one crisis to the next as I say "Work the steps, your life will be different" as they tell me how thank you, but I am just going to keep doing what I am doing, I am just going to try a little harder, I am going to do the same thing and expect different results...
The Ocean and God don't really care HOW hard you "try", there IS no "try", there is only "do" or "do not"
The steps are a surf board for life, to teach us how to ride God's Rhythms on dry land, to teach us how to go from Point A to Point B and enjoy the ride and not struggle, or be swept under and drown, yes it's difficult at first, but like everything else it gets easier and easier until one day it's effortless, it's hardwired into who we are, it becomes integrated
Practice
Practice these principals
Practice these principals in all our affairs
Why shouldn't we be happy? we have been given the tools to recover and the means to help others do the same...doesn't mean fuck-all when we throw the life preserver and the poor person is too busy drowning and crying about how/why/what/where he is drowning to actually grab the GD thing and start learning some different tools
Today, I am going "surfing"....and I am 100+ miles away from the Ocean, Wednesday I have some "Big Waves" of life coming, and I am voluntarily going in them, using the simple tools I have been given by this program
-- Edited by LinBaba on Monday 23rd of May 2011 02:59:46 PM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Steps 4 & 5 were easy compared to step 9 and making ammends ( for me ).
It does get easier , I get better. The world and other ppl dont change, I do.
The reason it seems hard for me sometimes is because I can remember the ease, and comfort I would feel from drinking. The instant satisfaction ( that wasn't real, but seemed so ) that everything was gonna be okay.
And, now that Im sober and not drinking I have to use the program instead of the booze. And of course program is much better for me. But Im not gonna lie .. I liked the way booze made me feel. I enjoyed that ease and comfort, the fellowship of my friends at the bar, the relaxing with a glass of wine, or a mixed drink after a long days work.
My only problem was, I couldnt find a way to stop after having only 1 or 2. Hence ,,, things got bad, and really ruff. Then I got sober and things were even more ruff .. until with time, love , patience, the steps, my sponsr and of course God, I began to get better.
Thanks for your question Allie, really made me think about some things.
I came to the conclusion that easy or hard are not the words I would like to use. Yes, life gets easier when we are sober and working the program.
I think it boils down to:
Effort= willingness to do the steps and practice the principles, get to meetings and get active etc.
Priorities/Importance= Is soberiety my #1 priority? Am I willing to go to any length?
Courage:
Nothing in AA is really hard or complex, it's just a matter of taking some action.
We need to accept steps 1 and 2 as true. If we do a good job working step #3 getting out of self and into God, we will grow in courage to look at ourselves, do the inventories and confessions and make the amends. With practice it becomes easier and a working part of the mind.
Hope this helps!
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I like the idea of removing the words easy or hard about sobriety and working the program. I agree that life still happens it is only us that changes that makes the challenges less damaging to relationship with HP and to sobriety. I think everyone works there program differently as we are falliable and strong willed. At my home group people tend to be very challenging about how you are working your program. I understand that they care and they want you to maintain sobriety and a serene life. I get kinda perturbed when people start talking about right and wrong. If someone isnt fully willing to working all the parts of the AA program they will figure out what things they need to do. I believe it is an all in program. Letting go and letting God and surfing the wave with him. But I know when I came in I was only going to meetings. I didnt crack the Big Book for awhile. I quickly learned through a relapse I needed to do the whole shebang. Thats when I was open and willing to listen to the suggestions of others and have a meaningful relationship with my HP. Everyone is different and some get it the first go around. For me I have learned things about myself when I did relapse. Maybe I do have some bad feelings when people go on and on about the fact that they have never relapsed and act like the program is some kind of cake walk. I have experienced extreme emotional pain doing the 4th and 5th step but I needed to do it. Going through that emotional pain brought me to a new understanding of who I am and who I would like to be with HP right there with me. Thanks for all your comments and the time and thought you put into them.
There was no "easier softer way" to approach sobering up, for me. My routine and how I choose to remain sober should not be based on the opinions of some home group but on tenets of the AA program. Some people in AA have said and I'm quoting here: "My sober life is beyond my wildest dreams". What...Are you kidding? Beyond my wildest dreams? Please...I am sober today and my life has taken on a new meaning as a result but how can anyone gauge spiritual growth if they only experience a "pink cloud" in sobriety. I must always remind myself that "No one should confuse a good life with a carefree one". How true...Once that "pink cloud" starts to dissipate, then we'll see what happens next and we will certainly find out "who's been working the program and who hasn't".
You discussed the importance of daily prayer, working the steps with a sponsor, service work, and reading the Big Book. I agree with doing all these things as well. Turning things over to your HP is also a good way of dealing with the burdens of life which can suffocate our sobriety if allowed too. All these and the process of unearthing our true potential has been my "epiphany" of sorts and can help alleviate the suffering caused by our misfortunes -one day at a time.
You're also right about one other thing and that is this: "when we are angry, that usually points out something about ourselves". It does talk about the spiritual axiom in step 10 where it says and I'm quoting here: "When we are deeply disturbed no matter what the cause there is something wrong with us". How true...recognizing that -however, and resolving to fix what's wrong are two different things. I must always ensure my well being and ultimately my sobriety, so anything that can potential upset the balance of either/or, must be dealt with swiftly before it affects everyone involved -despite my reasoning. Anger, resentments and other emotional upheavals are the tell tale signs of our fears and can do more harm than good. I can't afford the luxury of a drink or other poisons -like anger, so I must find an alternative to those deadly emotions and a good program of recovery has worked for me, and certainly not the "easier softer" type. That's my program in action despite what others are thinking. I resolve to remain in this process of recovery, regardless of how others gauge my success -bottom line. I hope you do as well -one day at a time.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Tuesday 24th of May 2011 01:35:28 AM
