....and a bloody big shovel. He don't give me more than I can handle in a day. I have to believe that. This'll be why the days are so long.
25 years ago today around this time, my daughter was born. Just over 5 years ago I left the family home. Just about 4 years ago I made written amends to her. She called me and rejected those amends. That was the last time I heard her voice, she was so full of anger, loss and sadness. I've sent her a card and a few quid as I've done since the day she was born. I'm getting divorced and it's really messy and bitter. I haven't spoken to my son for 5years now. I last saw the pair of them in June last year, they looked through me like I wasn't there. The little relationship I was in has ended due to outside influences. Some guy is after my blood and I've promised not to get entangled but my head keeps playing fantasy movies of fighting and pain. That'll be ego and projection. I hate to be alone all the time but know that this is how it has to be right now. I pray as I've never prayed before, heartfelt prayers for others and for myself just the ability to get though another day. I could sing every word of neil diamond's home before dark from memory. I've journalled how I feel and what I fear. Today will be a two meeting day I think. I miss my daughter. I miss my friend. I even miss my wife. None of them are available to me. All I have left is my higher power, God as I understand him. And I don't have any greater understanding than there is one and it's not me. I pray he has a smaller shovel soon.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
I may be way off....What I see is what I think Linbaba mentioned awhile back. You miss what you knew and grew comfortable with even if it wasnt good. The fear of the unknown and whats ahead is scary. I came from an abusive relationship and felt alot like what you discribe. Hang in there and you will find your new normal and find comfort in an easier way of life. My new normal is way different. I was addicted to bad behavior towards me and with all the chaos it brought. At least knew what to expect. Hang in there your doing good!!! This to will pass.
The pain of change will pay off in you reveling in a new freedom once you adjust some more.
Take it back to basics Bill...when you feel like crap call someone. You are only as alone as you make yourself.... Just because you now have 5 years sober does not make you superman with regard to your capacity to handle emotions and suffering on your own. Isolating is your enemy. Feeling sorry for yourself is your enemy. Yes...coming here and getting honest is great, but do not forget your supports that live by you and that you can easily go see or call.
If I were you, I would be calling my sponsor crying and what not multiple times a day. That is what your peers and your sponsor in AA are for. Of course that is what we are here for too, but we just can't do as much online as other folks you interact with in the rooms. Sometimes I don't share what I am feeling to people as much as I did when I was a newcomer because I think I should know how to handle my problems with my big bad 2 and a half years sober... Several people have been taken out by that line of thinking and I am vulnerable to it just as much as you.
Praying for you Bill. It WILL be okay. It really will.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
yes I think I am suffering from depression. The doctor thinks so too. That'll be why I got there little pink pills. I do get off my arse and talk to real people every day. I talk to my sponsor every day. I go to a meeting every day. I call my mum every morning to reassure her. I spend social time with brother alkies sometimes. My sponsor is great at alcoholism and knows himself enough to know his limitations. That's why I'm going to another fellowship to see about working on my emotional state. I don't think it's just the 5 year blues I think it's more about wanting to clear away my other unhealthy dependencies and addictions. Although I don't know if my dad was an alkie I do know I lived in a dysfunctional family, created my own dysfunctional family and then was fully prepared to join or create another. Like I said in another post 14 out of 14 on the acoa laundry list. Worse than the 16 out of 20 on the alkie 20 questions!
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
met the other guy this morning at a meeting. He was really angry. The only other person at the meeting decided to leave. After the meeting ended he had his say. It seems that no response was the right way to deal. All is well in that direction. He has the problem not me.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Hey Bill, I don't know why the guy wants to mix it up with you, but I am glad that seems to be over. Honestly, its OK to be without a lady friend for awhile for you to figure out you. It sounds like you are about to break through a barrier where you have left behind a large part of a codependent life, and a large part of that is getting to know yourself. It is hard to even meet someone without a lot of emotional baggage. Just leave that for your HP.
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
