Made it to my 6mnth bday on Feb. 3rd but I decided to leave the sober ranch on March 14th. I can't believe I'm saying this but I tried some controlled drinking. Within two weeks I was in an orange jumpsuit standing in front of a judge promising I wouldn't get arrested again. Was homeless for a couple weeks after I was released before I decided that I didn't want to live like that again. AA is the last house on the block for me, and I'm grateful that no matter how many times I've tried it on my own and failed, the hand of AA is always there. The staff here at the ranch offered me another chance with the understanding that i will work for my food/shelter. I'm so grateful for this program and the people in it. Starting over with 16 days sober. Cunning, baffling, powerful...
Welcome back Dods, I get it, I really do, I drank after 3 years, took me YEARS to make it back, then after 7 years I tried it AGAIN!!!
DOH!!!
hmm hello....
dude thankfully you made it back pretty cheaply, like were said to me, you might decide to dance with an 800 lb gorilla but it might not be over till the gorilla says it's over...and that gorilla likes to dance
Welcome back, pretty soon this will be part of your 'story", the final clue you needed to show how you worked step one, or how it worked you...seriously, welcome home
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Hey Adam,glad you made it.The relapse is not the shame,the shame is not making it back!! MORE THAN VERBAL ADMISSION AND SURRENDER.....EMOTIONAL ACCEPTANCE OF UTTER DEFEAT starts the healing process right alongside putting the juice down!!! SO GOOD TO SEE YA ,HELP SOMEBODY TODAY ,THANKS FOR HELPING ME.....
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Se good to see you back, just like LB said, I relasped for so many years over 7, and the progression comes with the relapses, I sure felt that slide.
But was also said, some day it will only be part of your early history, I have seen you so many times put your heart so completely into to AA Program then the cunning, baffleing and Powerful aspects kick in. If I take a glance over my shouler, in my early years, we area different gender, but it could be almost part of my story.
(((((((((((((((((((((((Adam))))))))))))))))))
I love your sign in name, Dodsworth, any story behind that name you want to share??
Mahalo Dods...thanks for the courage in coming back in and thanks most to HP for getting you here. There were a handful of relapsers at my morning meeting and I need them all to gain and maintain my own sobriety. I heard your story this morning and also accompanied your story to the meeting. I thanked them all for being there for me and also thanked the one who was just recently wearing the orange jumpsuit for doing my jail time. He said "you're welcomed" and that is the support for my recovery in words. He got out and into a meeting directly and raised his hand to do the coffee at that meeting.
This is a simple program for complicated people and as long as I don't drink the less complicated it becomes and still I need help. No problem cause the fellowship and open unconditional love abounds here as long as I can sit down, be quiet, listen with an open mind, learn and practice, practice, practice.
{{{{{{Dodds}}}}}}} qlad to see you postinq here aqain. I happy for you, not about your circumstances but that you're in the riqht place spiritually/mentally to know where you belonq and what you need to do. That's a qift. Like I've said a bazillion times, I'm so qrateful that I'm a text book alkie and that I had such a qood example of how it works watchinq my mother qet sober when I was just qettinq into the main stream of my drinkinq/druqqinq career. I knew where I was qoinq to qo when It was time to jump the tracks, but I was qoinq to ride the train as lonq as I could and did. So it appears you did as well. It takes what it takes, every last drink. Be qrateful for the the experience, it was hard earned. Not all of us can be "one niqht wonders" lol.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Saturday 30th of April 2011 04:06:36 PM
Dodsworth is the title of a book by Sinclair Lewis. :)
Good to "see" all of you again, to be among the living today.
Dean- yea, my forgetter did what it does and I had to be reminded what the wringer felt like, that bankruptcy. People just don't want a souse in their lives- imagine that! Family: "we don't want you over at our house". That cut me deep
It' amazinq that sometimes it's just one thinq that someone close to you says. For me it was one of my best friends. He said "Dean, you're sick and you need help". And this from one of my "bosom buddies" who I ran around with sayinq "we're a couple of pretty sick quys" here, there, and everywhere. I had to stop and think, maybe I Have qone off the deep end, and I had. It was clear that mental illness was stakinq claim on my sanity. Talkinq to myself a little too much, seeinq people (and talkinq to them) that weren't there. Haveinq, what I call "brown outs", where I was still conscious but the next day had all the facts and details all wronq. Somehow my emotions and whimsical fantasies had colorized my reality. This scared me much more than dyinq or qoinq to jail. I knew that it was way past the time to quit the circus. Welcome back Adam.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Saturday 30th of April 2011 08:24:45 PM
Welcome back my friend. It is great to see a friend from MIP make it back. Over the years I have lost far too many friends to Alcoholism. They never made it back!
That's the million dollar question Larry. For me it was everythinq that I'd ever heard everyone else doinq to maintian their sobriety. It became an insurance situation. I wanted to make sure there was no chance of me drinkinq. It really was do or die. I knew that if I qot a little crazier, that I wouldn't care anymore or perhaps just not understand how far off the beam that I was. It's a thin line and most people don't make it back. I was very blessed.
Our newly returned local member and I talked after this mornings awesome meeting and I asked his condition mind, body, spirit and emotions and he is drawing a few blanks and is becoming aware of if. I suggested that he fully concentrate of what he told me was his "new" recent bottom and to inventory if that bottom was sitting in the surrender file or the "I've survived another one" file. He was a bit quizzicle on that so I elaborated a bit just from me. I told him that every time "I" escaped terminal velocity I eventually came away with the thought and then belief that Alcohol could not and would not "take me down" that I was "impervious" to the damage it caused. He mentioned I remember that you have told me that in the past and I told him to find out then where his most recent bottom is truely filed. It hurt him and he gets teary eyed at the most recent memories of it and is it enough.
He took a hard left turn and went into the subject of talking about speaking with another member about "changing" his diet. Without judgement I believe I am dealing with the same ADD that I have...he was off of the subject to getting sober and so I mentioned that whatever diet he is on it should be "alcohol free" and he had a reaction. A negative one. "I know Jerry you don't have to keep telling me." He's still out there wanting to control a sobriety he knows little about thinking that his survival and sobriety has to be unique. I know a lot about that attitude. I've been there and done that until I let God and the program take over.
Hey Adam,glad you made it.The relapse is not the shame,the shame is not making it back!! MORE THAN VERBAL ADMISSION AND SURRENDER.....EMOTIONAL ACCEPTANCE OF UTTER DEFEAT starts the healing process right alongside putting the juice down!!! SO GOOD TO SEE YA ,HELP SOMEBODY TODAY ,THANKS FOR HELPING ME.....
Welcome back Dods. I've been there! Like the others said, there are very few of us that stopped on the first second, or tenth time..... persistence brings fruits.
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Had a morning meditation with the fellow ranch hands this morning. Topic: honesty, open-mindedness, willingness. The honesty is fairly easy for me- it's the open-mindedness that is sometimes difficult. If I can avoid that attitude of indifference and that contempt prior to investigation it sure makes me a lot more willing. Today I'm going to practice faith.
OT- glad that a modicum of justice was finally served yesterday.
Welcome back, Dodsworth! I hope you don't keep coming back, but instead just stick around. Get yourself back in the middle of the boat and lean on your fellows and God when you need it. One day at a time, you got this! :o) Heather
hello everyone. I hope everyone is doing ok. it's always nice to see familiar faces on here still posting. I've been living at this sober ranch in Washington again since my last trip home to Indiana back in April. I was made a staff member here right away because I had spent 7months here before getting sober and one month into my return I relapsed and drank in my room. My craving kicked in and i called up a local guy who used to be a resident who I knew was drinking and using. I snuck out and stayed at his cabin for a few days drinking They let me back into the ranch after they took me to the hospital. fast forward 2 months- I'm staff again driving residents to meetings, cooking meals, running the horse program etc...things are going well and then suddenly I'm hit with a gut punch, all my willingness and hope are gone. not sure what happened and then last week I walked up to another staff member (one I knew was drinking using in secret) and asked him to go get booze. So he did. We drank that night and Two nights later one of the residents overdosed and died. I drank a couple nights after that and we both just came clean to the ranch owner who did nothing . I wanted him to kick me out because everyone here is relapsing including staff and I feel like I'm part of the problem not the solution like I was brought here to be. I'm really thinking that if I want to drink and use i might as well do it back home away from a recovery place. my willingness is just so crappy lately. i feel trapped in a recovery place that is rotten from the inside out and is no longer a safe place to be and the other option which is couch surfing back home.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 28th of July 2011 04:15:06 AM
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