So, I have what is kind of a funny situation. My ex-boyfriend (we are friends) has a very difficult relationship with alcohol. His father has been a life-long alcoholic, was abusive to him and his mother, and is now dying.
He is somewhat obsessed with avoiding following in his father's footsteps, and rightly so. Since I've known him, he has twice made the choice to go for a set period without alcohol, about 3-4 months at a time, and has done so successfully. He says he could only do it because he knew there was an end point.
He was drinking for part of the time we were dating, and he would literally have one beer with dinner, and that was it. For the whole night. To my knowledge he doesn't go on binges. I don't know whether he drank heavily at any point in the past, we've never talked about that. He's 39 now.
Anyway we talk about alcohol a lot, given our respective situations, and he is thinking about stopping drinking permanently. I shared my perspective of how I have seen him drink and mentioned that, "I couldn't only have one beer the way you do. If I had one I would want six." His response was, "Well maybe I want six but I can see that it's not appropriate." I didn't say that an alcoholic wouldn't make that assessment. :)
I have offered more than once to accompany him to an AA meeting. He has been to one once before. But the thing is, I don't think he's an alcoholic. I would never say this, because I believe everyone has to decide for themselves, and I don't want to dissuade him from not drinking since I certainly think it is a positive thing even for non-alcoholics.
But I'm not sure I am giving him the right advice. Does anyone have any experience with or perspective on this, and what did you say?
Who cares if he's not a "real" alcoholic? If he has the desire to stop drinking, that is the only requirement for AA membership. I can think of a dozen or more "normies" I know who would benefit from the steps, meetings, sponsorship, etc. I do know it is not for me to judge anyone's alcoholism but my own. AA is a program for living, and anyone who wants to live life without alcohol is welcome, in my heartfelt opinion.
Two other things to consider: some people hide alcoholism really well, and alcoholism is a progressive disease- with lots of gray areas, there is no black and white. This friend may recognize something within himself that you do not see. He might be able so see where he is going with alcohol, or where he could go, and doesn't want to go there. If I were you, I would tell this person, "only you can decide if you are an alcoholic" and leave your judgment entirely out of it.
My two cents, for what it's worth. Pretty new to sobriety, but here goes. When I was drinking, I could have one glass of wine, one drink, if I wanted to. I usually didn't, but I could. I could go for a week, maybe two without drinking at all. But I thought about drinking much more than I actually did it. I used other mood altering chemicals, and then, to fill in the gaps, used alcohol. I'm sure I would have drank much more if I didn't use other things to get high. I drank for the high. For the way it made me feel and the escape I thought it provided me. Turned out to be more of a prison. As I looked into my future, I saw myself drinking more and more than I was. I saw myself losing all that I was, all that I had, as the result of my drinking. I am the daughter, the granddaughter, the niece, the cousin, and the sibling of alcoholics, some dead as a result of this disease, some still in active alcoholism. When I looked at this picture and asked myself, am I an alcoholic, my answer was "Yes, I am an alcoholic". I answered the questions in the pamphlet you can get from AA, and the answer was "Yes, I am an alcoholic". I struggled at first with going to AA meetings because alcohol was not my primary choice for getting high, but a "supplement", for lack of better terms. I went there because the meetings were closer to my home, the times were right, and my treatment slip could be signed by any fellowship, as long as I went to two meetings a week. What I have learned through AA is that I don't have to drink all day every day to be an alcoholic. I don't have to lose everything I own, everyone I love, to be an alcoholic. I have learned that some alcoholics can abstain from alcohol, at least for short periods of time, and some cannot even have it in their lives in any way, shape or form. I have learned that everyone has a different bottom. I continue to go to AA meetings, no one has ever told me I don't belong there, that I am not an alcoholic. I gain much experience, strength, and hope there. You said your friend has gone to an AA meeting, and he thinks he has a desire to stop drinking. Does he think he is an alcoholic? Is he worried about his potential to be one? Maybe he should fill out the pamphlet AA offers. Peace.
__________________
I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
So, I have what is kind of a funny situation. My ex-boyfriend (we are friends) has a very difficult relationship with alcohol. His father has been a life-long alcoholic, was abusive to him and his mother, and is now dying.
He is somewhat obsessed with avoiding following in his father's footsteps, and rightly so. Since I've known him, he has twice made the choice to go for a set period without alcohol, about 3-4 months at a time, and has done so successfully. He says he could only do it because he knew there was an end point.
He was drinking for part of the time we were dating, and he would literally have one beer with dinner, and that was it. For the whole night. To my knowledge he doesn't go on binges. I don't know whether he drank heavily at any point in the past, we've never talked about that. He's 39 now.
Anyway we talk about alcohol a lot, given our respective situations, and he is thinking about stopping drinking permanently. I shared my perspective of how I have seen him drink and mentioned that, "I couldn't only have one beer the way you do. If I had one I would want six." His response was, "Well maybe I want six but I can see that it's not appropriate." I didn't say that an alcoholic wouldn't make that assessment. :)
I have offered more than once to accompany him to an AA meeting. He has been to one once before. But the thing is, I don't think he's an alcoholic. I would never say this, because I believe everyone has to decide for themselves, and I don't want to dissuade him from not drinking since I certainly think it is a positive thing even for non-alcoholics.
But I'm not sure I am giving him the right advice. Does anyone have any experience with or perspective on this, and what did you say?
Thanks in advance,
GG
Maybe...he views excessive drinking as being inappropriate, given the paternal relationship with his father and how he was victimized by both his Dad and this disease. Having more than one drink might constitute 'having a problem', like his father, and you know full well how this disease affects us all -especially children. ACOA is a program that helps the victims of these abuses and promotes recovery using the same format as AA does, all within the confines of a mutually respectful and safe environment -just like AA. I hope he can find some much needed closure...soon; for his sake and yours, as well as his father's -before time expires on them both.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Friday 22nd of April 2011 02:02:23 AM
