Yet I cant stop. I have tried so many times to quite drinking, yet I keep going back to it. I am in so much pain, and I am destroying my life and that of those I love and yet that is not enough to make me quit.
GET YOUR LOCAL PHONE BOOK AND LOOK UP ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS. CALL THEM, PLEASE. TELL THEM EXACTLY WHAT YOU POSTED HERE. SOMEONE WILL TALK TO YOU. SOMEONE WILL HELP YOU. THEY TRULY CARE. I TRULY CARE.......... YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I'M PRAYING FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.
DOLL
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* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
well dying, i sure know what u r talking about!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i was trying for 20 years without success for any length of time. couple of questions; do u go to aa?
found a sponcer ?and start working the 12 step program? for me these things had to be done first to even have a chance.there are lots of good people in here that really care and have been where u r also we are here to help and support u. may god bless you and stay sober today wagon
Step One "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable."
Who cares to admit complete defeat? Practically no one, of course. Every natural instinct cries out against the idea of personal powerlessness. It is truly awful to admit that, glass in hand, we have warped our minds into such an obsession for destructive drinking that only an act of Providence can remove it from us.
No other kind of bankruptcy is like this one. Alcohol, now become the rapacious creditor, bleeds us of all self-sufficiency and all will to resist its demands. Once this stark fact is accepted, our bankruptcy as going human concerns is complete.
But upon entering A. A. we soon take quite another view of this absolute humiliation. We perceive that only through utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength. Our admissions of personal powerlessness finally turn out to be firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built.
We know that little good can come to any alcoholic who joins A. A. unless he has first accepted his devastating weakness and all its consequences. Until he so humbles himself, his sobriety--if any--will be precarious. Of real happiness he will find none at all. Proved beyond doubt by an immense experience, this is one of the facts of A. A. life. The principle that we shall find no enduring strength until we first admit complete defeat is the main taproot from which our whole Society has sprung and flowered.
When first challenged to admit defeat, most of us revolted. We had approached A. A. expecting to be taught self-confidence. Then we had been told that so far as alcohol is concerned, self-confidence was no good whatever; in fact, it was a total liability. Our sponsors declared that we were the victims of a mental obsession so subtly powerful that no amount of human willpower could break it. There was, they said, no such thing as the personal conquest of this compulsion by the unaided will. Relentlessly deepening our dilemma, our sponsors pointed out our increasing sensitivity to alcohol--an allergy, they called it. The tyrant alcohol wielded a double-edged sword over us: first we were smitten by an insane urge that condemned us to go on drinking, and then by an allergy of the body that insured we would ultimately destroy ourselves in the process. Few indeed were those who, so assailed, had ever won through in single-handed combat. It was a statistical fact that alcoholics almost never recovered on their own resources. And this had been true, apparently, ever since man had first crushed grapes.
In A. A.'s pioneering time, none but the most desperate cases could swallow and digest this unpalatable truth. Even these "last-gaspers" often had difficulty in realizing how hopeless they actually were. But a few did, and when these laid hold of A. A. principles with all the fervor with which the drowning seize life preservers, they almost invariably got well. That is why the first edition of the book "Alcoholics Anonymous," published when our membership was small, dealt with low-bottom cases only. Many less desperate alcoholics tried A. A., but did not succeed because they could not make the admission of hopelessness.
It is a tremendous satisfaction to record that in the following years this changed. Alcoholics who still had their health, their families, their jobs, and even two cars in the garage, began to recognize their alcoholism. As this trend grew, they were joined by young people who were scarcely more than potential alcoholics. They were spared that last ten or fifteen years of literal hell the rest of us had gone through. Since Step One requires an admission that our lives have become unmanageable, how could people such as these take this Step?
It was obviously necessary to raise the bottom the rest of us had hit to the point where it would hit them. By going back in our own drinking histories, we could show that years before we realized it we were out of control, that our drinking even then was no mere habit, that it was indeed the beginning of a fatal progression. To the doubters we could say, "Perhaps you're not an alcoholic after all. Why don't you try some more controlled drinking, bearing in mind meanwhile what we have told you about alcoholism?" This attitude brought immediate and practical results. It was then discovered that when one alcoholic had planted in the mind of another the true nature of his malady, that person could never be the same again. Following every spree, he would say to himself, "Maybe those A. A.'s were right..." After a few such experiences, often years before the onset of extreme difficulties, he would return to us convinced. He had hit bottom as truly as any of us. John Barleycorn himself had become our best advocate.
Why all this insistence that every A. A. must hit bottom first? The answer is that few people will sincerely try to practice the A. A. program unless they have hit bottom. For practicing A. A.'s remaining eleven Steps means the adoption of attitudes and actions that almost no alcoholic who is still drinking can dream of taking. Who wishes to be rigorously honest and tolerant? Who wants to confess his faults to another and make restitution for harm done? Who cares anything about a Higher Power, let alone meditation and prayer? Who wants to sacrifice time and energy in trying to carry A.A.'s message to the next sufferer? No, the average alcoholic, self-centered in the extreme, doesn't care for this prospect--unless he has to do these things in order to stay alive himself.
Under the lash of alcoholism, we are driven to A. A., and there we discover the fatal nature of our situation. Then, and only then, do we become as open-minded to conviction and as willing to listen as the dying can be. We stand ready to do anything which will lift the merciless obsession from us.
__________________
Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
Im afraid to pick up the phone, afraid to talk to anyone, afriad to leave my bedroom, afraid to live one more day. I hate myself when I drink, but after being sober for a few days I feel so good, I can't help but drink then the vicious cycle continues.
I did go to AA on christmas day last year. I never went back. I kept thinking I could do it on my own. I have had more relapses than I can count. I am staring at all the phone numbers of women who wrote them down for me to call,,,,, and I cant do it. All I can do is sit here and cry.
I don't have the pysical or emotional strength to go to a meeting. I cant bear to break down anywhere other than in my bedroom.
I just wish someone in my life would just hold me and take it all away. But I can't bring myself to tell anyone.
I need help, and I know the first step is asking for it but I won't. Why won't I? asking for help is the hardest thing to do. All I can do is sit here and cry.
We all hated ourselves when we drank. That's why we've come to AA. To learn to love ourselves. To learn to live in sobriety. It ain't easy. But it's worth it. You're worth it.
We're all the same here.......and no longer alone.
Much love to you
Doll
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But upon entering A. A. we soon take quite another view of this absolute humiliation. We perceive that only through utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength. Our admissions of personal powerlessness finally turn out to be firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built.
-- Edited by Doll at 14:26, 2005-09-24
__________________
* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
Hi Dying, I'm Chris. Welcome here. Sounds like you've hit bottom, this is where your life starts to improve. Trust us, we have all been where you are now.
If you don't want to leave your room, phone the AA and there is a good chence that they could send someone out to you. If you don't like that idea, do what I did, Phone your emergency services number and get to your local A&E / ER. Detox helps.
If you don't want to do that you could try the samaritans as a first step or if your in the UK or don't mind expensive phone bills give me a call: UK 0161-432-6430
Keep on coming back, there is usually someone here to help, and thats what we are here for.
Chris.
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"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989"
Most of us have been there one time or another. When i first came back to AA I kept thinking it would be better if i was dead. I stayed sober a while then things got to good and back out i went. Gotta get off the merry go round. One day at a time. I just got in from working and the thought crossed how good a beer would be. Checked in here for a minute, Now i can go and pick up my tools. Had a glass of water, read these posts, and decided a beer wasn't even agood thought!!!!!! Call some help or post where your at as Phil said.
I spent 9 months trying to get sober. I knew that I needed to stop drinking but I couldn't face giving up the one thing that seemed to make my life bearable. I began going to meetings but I was still drinking. At that time all AA meetings were at 8PM. Sometimes I couldn't make it until then and went to the meeting drunk. God bless the man who told me that I would get more out of the meeting, if I drank after the meeting! My goal became to wait until after the meeting to drink. Eventually, I strung together a few days of sobriety. I continued to drink off and on, until I got a sponsor and began to work the steps. I had my last drink in August of 1977 and have been sober ever since. I worked for me, and it will work for you. Go to meetings, get a sponsor, and work the steps.
Keep in mind that some of the most famous and well-known disciples that God chose to walk with Jesus were those who had inadequacies and faults.... Moses, that God had chosen to lead people felt that he was a sinner and not worthy of such a task-- furthermore, felt that God had made a mistake on calling him. The same holds true for a tax collector named Zechariah, and also Judas, the man who ultimately betrayed Jesus and in turn led Jesus enemies right to him, resulting in his death.
Although, I am not an alcoholic I am someone who struggled in other ways-- in abusive relationships, in which at one point I sat on a train track comtemplating dying also just to escape so much emotional pain. I knew that as much as I tried, I was an emotional roller coaster with no control over gaining my strength. I also knew that I was going to die if I didn't make a change. THAT WAS MY BOTTOM!!! As it sounds like you are at yours. Just remember BEFORE doing anything foolish, that God has a plan for you and His plan may very well include you reaching this bottom for you to realize the effect you've had on others and yourself. Not such a bad thing because with that realization comes freedom-- FREEDOM for YOU finally. You know the pain, you know the mistakes you've made and NOW you know that YOU need to change. Give all the emotions you are feeling to God-- if you must, ask questions... Many of times, I was in deep, deep pain with tears flowing at my emotional, mental bottom and with each time I broke down and prayed all my emotions to God, there was an immediate peace that followed.
God loves you-- the life you've led so far makes Him weep, as it does you... He wants to give you all that you desire in this life here with healthy relationships and peace surrounding you-- Don't be afraid of that, be strong.
I will close on two scriptures that I hope you continue to keep with you..... Yet, before I write them I will say this...
It is usually before the dawn that we are faced with our darkest hour. If you gave up now you could miss out on a life that is incredibly peaceful, happy, and stable. Just in ONE day your life can change to something that you've always dreamed---- Don't give up on YOU and more importantly Don't give up on God because He works EVERYTHING for good.
May God hold you in the palm of his hand and offer you peace and comfort as you experience all of your emotions. He will NEVER dissapoint you. :)
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29 11-13
Also, one IMPORTANT thing I want to say is that you may question where God is through all of this and I want to conclude in saying that God is closest to us during our trials and tribulation. We may not feel that way because of how this earthly world has an effect on our life. This is because Satan wants us to believe that God is not there for us and in turn, we have no hope-- no sense of peace and so much doubt in who God is and how He works in our life. One of Satans BIGGEST lies is that we are to be focused on this world and that the guilt we feel means we are an awful person, particularly when we live a life that causes harm to ourselves or others....
God however DOES NOT feel the same-- He loves YOU for YOU, with all your inadequacies and He WILL NEVER give up on you. Just give Him a chance to talk to your heart--- Put on the FULL ARMOR OF GOD so Satan will flee from you.
HUGGGGSSSSSS, Hang in there----- You just never know what tomorrow holds, as it could be everything you've dreamed it to be. With all your struggling, why miss out on the best life has to offer.
Oh, and by the way--- I had no strength as well, isolated myself and found that in doing so, I found God-- it was as if he was there holding me, comforting me and ever since my life has been changed. So, close your eyes as you lie in your bedroom and take some deep breathes, imagine a balloon (any color you'd wish), and you placing all of your emotions and what you are thinking into this balloon, tie it up and then picture yourself releasing it up into the air further, further up to eternity where God will receive it all and take your pain from you. :) Then once you've done that, as you lie there in your room, talk to God---- He WILL answer you.... Just trust him.
My journey to a healthy life believe it or not was in a bathroom while I was in a shower-- I had NO strength, felt the world was against me and one time in the bathroom I did all I just told you in so much pain with tears flowing.... It was at that moment it occured a feeling I had never experienced in knowing God was there for me and ever since, when I am presented with difficulties in my life, I always find myself in the bathroom in tears. God has a place for each of us to talk with Him and perhaps it is while you are lying down in your bedroom.
:) You'll be fine because we have to experience our emotions BEFORE we can heal them RIGHT? Now you know what you have to work with and have MANY people that can help you through it.
There is no shame in asking for and seeking help. I am on my tenth day of sobriety. I thought I could do it on my own too. I started going to AA and checked myself into a detox center. With the support of a sponser, I have been able to stay off the alcohol for more than a week and I feel great! AA is a great group. They will not judge you. We have all been through the same thing you are going through and are here to help and support each other.
Call someone right now, while you are feeling your worst! You don't even have to ask someone for help right now. You just need to talk. Just talk to someone. Anyone you talk to who is in AA, won't push you. They will just listen and let you talk. We've all been where you are right now. Looking for a person who knows how you are feeling right now? Call one of those numbers, RIGHT NOW! They will not judge you, they will just listen....maybe offer to meet you for a cup of coffee if you would like.
Thank you everyone for all of the support and caring, it has helped make this day just a bit more bearable.
I am going to a meeting tonight at 8pm, and made the call to kaiser today to get into their cdrp program. That was the hardest call I have ever made. I have been reading online all day about alcohol, its effects, and treatments. I do hope they prescribe naltrexone since I have read so many wonderful things about how it helps people fight the cravings whic are overwhelming when they hit me.
I am rock bottom, but hoping I will start to see the light and climb my way out.
Always remember, that as you climb out, you'll have good and BAD days-- this is ALL part of recovery. Not only that if you REALLY think about it, don't be too hard on yourself because it took you a LONG time to get where you're at. Give yourself time to reverse it all. The thoughts that go along with your learned behavior is something you need to reteach yourself. Just don't give up because each day, it will get easier and easier for you-- just practice, practice, practice, and when you feel to weak on your own have a support system to pull you through. For every negative person in our life, if you just continue to turn to God for support, you will begin to notice that He brings positive people in your life to surround you with love and compassion to help you through. :)
My name is Cheri and I'm an alcoholic. Your post cried out to me...5 years ago I was at the same place as you. I was alone in my house, drinking to get through the night. I never left my home unless I had to. I would try and not drink but could never make it without my "medicine". I had to drink or I would die. I didn't want to drink any more...I had too.
Those phone numbers you got will save your life. Call them. If you can't get to the meeting they will bring the meeting to you. Call them. You don't have to ever be alone again. Call them.
I am sending you my phone # and email in a private messae. I will be home all night tonight if you need to talk.
I'll do the same thing cheri call me anytime, If I dont answer right away I'll call you back as soon as I get your message. I'm a night owl.
Hang in there!!!!You've reached the end of your rope...grab the rope and hang on for dear life...if not for your-self, do it for your the people in your life who love you.
Take Care
Nancy Jo
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Life is full of ups and downs
But the faces of love will
ease the pain and suffering
from:My Mother
I to have been in your shoes, i just didn't want to live anymore, i didn't think i had the strength or the courage to stop putting that poison in me. Like Cheri says, i didn't want it anymore...i needed it
my name is Wendy, I am a drug addicted alcoholic in recovery
the toughest road for me was staying where i was. It took all my energy and gave nothing in return. It took everything i loved, everyone i loved and nearly killed me.
I went to detox, a 28 day treatment program and another 3 month treatment program , all in succesion. It wasn't until my brain and body had detoxed some to see that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. And what i found afer some more time clean and sober?? More light, and more tunnel. Today i See the sky, the sun, the moon, the rain, the lakes, the butterflies, the birds and the bees.
this journey is the hardest thing i've ever done. I've tripped, but i've gotten back up. Today my strength and courage is in my heart, its my girls, my home( i lived on the streets for 3 years)
i have a job, and most of all faith and hope. And my friends here on this board who share their experience, strength and hope along with my Aa meetings. AA has saved my life
I hear hope in your last post. Faith the size of a mustard seed is all you need to start with.
You are worth the fight
you don't have to drink anymore, you are not alone
All i know today for sure is that my life has gotten better with out the booze and other crap.
100 times better!!
keep coming back
one day at a time, one minute, one hour if need be
"On the other hand -- and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand -- once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules."
~Alcoholics Anonymous
Sounds like your doing good Wendy-- I like your honesty in your posts
I stumbled too--- there is a better life than using--I enjoyed the night with my little grandaughter. She's a gift from God. God pulled her thru a real bad time.
