Ive expressed here a couple of times that Im uncomfortable with the meeting after the meeting and many have encouraged me to get over that and participate. I guess I just need some practical advice on how. I do share in meetings and THINK I treat everyone cordially, smile at them, etc. When they ask me a question or say hello I try to respond cheerfully. Ive given my number to a couple of people for specific reasons ("call me if you visit X in the hospital", "call me if you want to talk" etc), and theyve usually responded by giving me theirs. But nobodys ever asked for mine without being prompted.
So, my question is, how do I go about this? When people split up into their knots after the meeting and start talking, do I just walk up to a knot and stand there until I detect a break in the conversation? That seems a little creepy / intrusive. Do I scan around for somebody standing by themselves and pounce on them? Ive tried to listen for things I have in common with people, but when I charge up to somebody and blurt "I've been to Walla Walla too!", it seems shallow / desperate. I guess Ive just gotten the impression that my company is somewhat burdensome, and that I should just keep to myself.
I know social skills are kind of like selling yourself in a way, but Im just not sure how. So, hows that for a confession from a grown man?
-- Edited by zzworldontheweb on Monday 28th of March 2011 07:41:40 PM
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
Don't feel bad. Most people drink because it make socialization easier. Hence, the problems you are having are so common. What feels desperate or cheezy to you is normal. Take my word for it. People just want to connect. You could say anything at an AA meeting and folks would identify and talk to you. Just try not to worry about it. Personally, I tend to make friends with people who seem sincere and often times older becaue I respect their wisdom. It is not out of the ordinary for you to even say "Hey is anyone going out to coffee or dinner?" You have nothing to lose here and just like everything else in sobriety, it will get more comfortable the more you do it, even though it feels awkward.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I am very proud of you, if you were here I'd give you a big manly lumberjack hug, we do that in AA
OK, first of all this is AA, most all of us suffered from being shy around people when we get/got sober, it's very common, so truthfully I have/could/ tell the truth about this stuff, like walk up to a group of people and when you get that pause, when they turn and look at you, say, "Hi, I'm uncomfortable talking to groups of people in sobriety, I'm afraid you'll find me boring and burdonsome, and I could use some help with that"
You think tall, good looking, young people are popular? nu uh, you say that, you'll be popular, everyone will relate, and everyone will tell you similar stories, and everyone will reach out to you, this isn't the "real world", this is AA where we help each other learn how to do life sober.
It's kind of like the first few times I went dancing in sobriety, at first it's like I'm doing the fat white suburban dad akward thing, I look like that guy from Talking heads, next thing I know I'm Patrick Swayze saying "No one puts baby in the corner" and letting er rip. just takes practice
My favorite definition of "ego" is "the feeling of conscious seperation from"
that, my good friend is ego...the feeling of conscious seperation from
I can and do do that, walk up to a group of people at any meeting in the world and tell them what's going on, i'm feeling shy, I'm in my head, I need someone to talk to, this isn't a cocktail party, these are people trying to save our and each others lives, they will take you very seriously, and then make you laugh and wonder what took you so long to reach out
I have sponsored a LOT of guys, some of things I did, so make them do:
listen for a newcomer share something or watch when newcomers raise their hands, pick one and go up to him after the meeting and ask him how he's doing, and then listen, ask other pertinant questions as they come up, then listen
that shit saves peoples lives, yours for one
take commitments, greeter, stand at the front door of the meeting and shake every single persons hand when they come in and say "welcome to the meeting" old timers will talk to you, tell them you are doing this to overcome your shyness, tell them what you told us
chair clean up commitments, any sort of commitments where you arrive early or stay late, you can't help but talk to people
last but not least, get a sponsor and work the steps, they are there to remove ego, which is, oh that's right, the feeling of conscious seperation from
step five for instance:
What are we likely to recieve from Step Five? For one thing, we shall get rid of that terrible sense of isolation we've always had. Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness.Even before our drinking got bad and people cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling we didn't quite belong. Either we were shy and dared not draw near others, or we were apt to be noisy good fellows craving attention and companionship, but never getting it--at least to our way of thinking. There was always that mysterious barrier we could neither surrmount nor understand. It was as if we were actors on a stage, suddenly realizing we did not know a single lines of our parts. That's one reason we loved alcohol too well. It did let us act extemporaneously. But even Bacchus boomeranged on us; we were finally struck down and left in terrified loneliness.
When we reached A.A., and for the first time in our lives stood amoung people who seemed to understand, the sense of belonging was tremendously exciting. We thought the isolation problem had been solved. But we soon discovered that while we weren't alone any more in a moral sense, we still suffered the pangs of anxious apartness. Until we had talked with complete candor of our conflicts, and had listened to someone else do the same thing, we still didn't belong. Step Five was the answer. It was the beginning of true kinship with man and God.
Sound familiar? it should, this is a cross we all bear, and we all share, almost without exception, so when you walk up to that group of sober alcoholics and describe this feeling, and how you are trying to change it, you will be talking to a group of people that understand, they might give you a hug too, and they MAY drag yer ass out to coffee
-- Edited by LinBaba on Monday 28th of March 2011 10:53:46 PM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Lin below echoed what I was thinking, especially about getting involved in the group (homegroup), greet everyone as they arrive.
Do you have a sponsor? If so, tell him your concerns and maybe he will introduce you to some people, that's part of what a sponsor is supposed to do.
Other than that, you do need to be connected, but don't beat yourself up about it, all people are different and have different social needs etc. You have done a good job getting connected on this forum and I know your being active hear has helped others, most people in the rooms don't contribute online.
You just might be doing what your're supposed to be doing, just keep making effort and progress.
LinBaba:
listen for a newcomer share something or watch when newcomers raise their hands, pick one and go up to him after the meeting and ask him how he's doing, and then listen, ask other pertinant questions as they come up, then listen that shit saves peoples lives, yours for one take commitments, greeter, stand at the front door of the meeting and shake every single persons hand when they come in and say "welcome to the meeting" old timers will talk to you, tell them you are doing this to overcome your shyness, tell them what you told us chair clean up commitments, any sort of commitments where you arrive early or stay late, you can't help but talk to people
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Getting over our shyness is not an easy task, especially in an intimate setting -like after meeting conversations. I too, tend to be very shy, especially in the presence of strange company. Laughter, has been a good ice breaker for me, over the years, and can lighten up any conversation to a point where everyone can feel more relaxed. If a good joke cannot ease the tension, then maybe a simple "thank you" to someone within that group for what he/she said in the meeting can break the ice -leading to a conversation, as well. Anything...that can draw you closer towards a meaningful conversation, with anyone, is key here.
I used to shy away from any conversation, because of embarrassment issues, but that's changed -thank God. I would rather enjoy myself within the confines of any group setting, regardless of how awkward they may make you feel, than too shy away for personal reasons and remain silent and unnoticed as a result. Keep us informed about your progress and keep taking with people on this forum, as well, we can be an ice breakers too. Starting here, just might be your first step towards achieving your mark -one conversation at a time.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Tuesday 29th of March 2011 12:14:42 AM
-- Edited by Mr_David on Tuesday 29th of March 2011 12:15:53 AM
-- Edited by Mr_David on Tuesday 29th of March 2011 12:17:56 AM
-- Edited by Mr_David on Tuesday 29th of March 2011 12:19:08 AM
I have heard people who have shared that they are shy at my home group. They would simply share that they have a hard time getting to know people and that they did not want anyone to think that they are stand offish. They had a problem with being shy and shared that problem. I am not shy but boy if you let me know you are I am there to pull you into a conversation or what ever is going on. It is my duty as an AA fellow to keep my eye out and include people I see that might be having a hard time getting comfortable. So this sorta brings up another subject......when the hand of AA.....etc.......
Thanks guys. I do talk to newcomers and try to listen to them, but since most of them come once and then disappear, it hasn't gone anywhere. I guess I just need to keep plugging away at it and also try some of these other items.
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
During the meeting theres a fairly good chance I'm going to hear at least one person share something I really like. The good thing here is I don't have to fake anything I can be genuine, and I'm always the most relaxed when I am telling the truth. I find simply going up to another member and saying " Geez I really liked what you shared " always hits the mark, I mean lets be honest most people like it when people say something nice about them.
Side note tushay on deciding to fellowship, it's "IT" for me and I'm sure you'll have a wonderful journey in this area too.
Much love and support coming your way in the form of good thoughts
Wow, I'm very shy and used to feel the exact same way. I used to stand there and watch as everyone seemed to fall into natural conversation and I was feeling like a major outcast and outsider...then I would grab my stuff and run out of the room. It's awesome that you're willing to step out of your comfort zone and try to talk to people. Breakthrough, indeed!
Here's what I do NOW, after much trial and error. When the meeting ends, and as we are getting in a circle to hold hands and say the serenity prayer, I always choose to stand by someone I don't know. Then I smile to the person and say, "What is your name? I refuse to hold hands with strangers." The person always says they're name and often after the circle breaks up, a conversation often ensues.. I always wait and let the other person start the conversation, as I have already initiated by introducing ourselves. If they wish to talk, they will. If not, they won't. You have your answer without facing any rejection! Sometimes all it takes is an icebreaker. This worked so well that soon I knew lots of people by first name and it became easier and easier to talk to them. At first I would pick people who seemed friendly as they were easier to approach, then I started picking the most unapproachable or quiet person in the room...because they most likely are newcomers or feel as awkward as I used to. Over time it has become about giving back- encouraging other shy people to talk.
When that doesn't work, I get busy with service work after the meeting- folding chairs, wiping tables, etc...while smiling and making eye contact with people. If you are friendly- people usually respond and you find your self being approached by others after meetings to talk.
The great news is, once you've made a connection, at future meetings you can say, "Hi Bill, how are you doing today?" Once connections are made, it's much easier to approach people. The best thing that can happen is you meet and make some lifelong friends. You increase your fellowship and maybe start doing social things outside of meetings with great people. The worst thing is that you make acquaintances and get to know lots of people. That's not a bad thing either!
